First Assistants

At the academy’s early-morning assembly.

There, the vice principal handed out something.

Wearing the bizarre combination of a tuxedo and a bandanna, the vice principal began his speech.

“Yes! Now that the residential district has been properly set up, all students will begin exploring the surrounding area, zansu! But exploration is an act that comes with great danger, zansu! So, in case of emergency, I’ll be giving you this, zansu!”

It was a palm-sized red cylinder.

“What I’ve just given everyone is a signal flare, zansu! Point the head upward and press the bottom hard, and it will launch a firework into the sky, zansu!”

Fireworks could also be used as communication “signals.”

If you could launch it into the air, it would be visible even from far away.

“However, this isn’t a communication flare signal—it’s a rescue flare signal, zansu! When the flare goes up, a rescue squad will rush to that location, zansu! Use it when you can’t make it back on your own during exploration, zansu! But…!”

With a sly grin, the vice principal set the stage, then glanced at me at the very back and continued.

“If you get rescued by the rescue squad, it will be treated the same as ‘being sent to the infirmary,’ and you will be demoted by one rank, zansu! So think very carefully before you use it, zansu! And by the way, this flare is a launch-type trick firework, so we’ll be able to tell immediately who launched it, zansu!”

To demonstrate, the vice principal raised the sample flare he was holding and pressed the bottom.

“Click, zansu.”

The flare hissed, belching flame, and shot out a glowing projectile.

The glowing projectile went wheee-ing into the heavens, and then exploded.

With a BANG, it scattered tiny lights and began writing out letters.

Across the entire blue sky:

The students in front of me burst into roaring laughter.

“Whoa, it writes that if you launch it!?”

“That’s embarrassing as hell! If people saw that, you couldn’t come back to school!”

“But we’ll be fine! We’re not some hopeless trash who’d screw up while exploring!”

“Yeah, yeah! Bet the next one launched will be the same flare!”

The vice principal accepted one student’s remark with,

“Exactly so, zansu!”

“All of you at this academy are excellent, so normally you wouldn’t need something like this, zansu! Therefore, for the first student who uses it, not only will there be a one-rank demotion—there will also be additional punishment, zansu! All prize money you’ve received so far will be confiscated, zansu!”

Applause and cheers erupted from the students—“Ooooh!”

A simple question occurred to me.

…Had prize money ever actually been given to anyone besides me so far?

Well, whatever.

Even if I had prize money, I didn’t really have anything to spend it on.

At the end, the vice principal tacked on one more explanation.

“Ah, just in case, zansu—if you try to launch someone else’s rescue signal without permission to get them demoted, it’s pointless, zansu! To prevent fraud, we confirm not only the name that appears in the flare, but also the person who launched it using a magical device, zansu! Only if we determine it’s not a prank will help be dispatched, zansu! Also, the size of the rescue squad and how quickly they arrive depends on the rank of the student who launched the flare, zansu! If you want help to arrive quickly, you should use the rescue signal of a high-rank student, zansu!”

After assembly ended, the morning class was the “general subject” of Physical Education.

Teacher Nickbacca looked over the entire student body and said,

“Niku! Today we’re doing a ‘special marathon’ as a class-versus-class competition! This is a pretty hardcore marathon, so only a limited number of boys are allowed to participate! But if you endure it, it’ll earn a big score! Each class must choose exactly one boy who excels at endurance running! Classes 1-2 and 1-19 are all-girls classes, so they don’t need to participate!”

Since I was a class of one, I obviously had no choice but to participate.

When I joined the selected boys, Teacher Nickbacca continued, holding a long rope.

“Now then, those chosen—wrap this rope around your waists! And run while all of you are connected by a single rope! This rope has an ‘Ignore Weight’ magic effect on it!”

Teacher Nickbacca then took out two cork earplugs.

“And every participant will wear these earplugs and run without looking aside! Know what happens then!? Anyone who falls behind gets dragged by the rope, and no matter how much they cry or scream, the lead runner won’t hear a thing! This is the ‘Hell Marathon’ that was practiced in the army I served in!”

A wave of shrieks—“Eeeek!”—rose from the students.

I didn’t really react, and silently started tying the rope around my waist.

That’s when the vice principal appeared out of nowhere and latched onto me with a “NO!”

“Hold it, zansu! Leopin-kun, why aren’t you wearing gym clothes, zansu!?”

I answered honestly.

“Uh… I didn’t receive any at the entrance ceremony, so…”

“Not wearing gym clothes—what an outrageous delinquent student, zansu! At the very least, take off that filthy coat before you take P.E., zansu! I’ll generously hold onto it for you, zansu! …Forever…!”

I couldn’t make out his last words clearly, but I got a bad feeling.

While I was wondering what to do, my coat was smoothly slipped off from behind.

“Leo-kun, we’ll hold onto your coat for you!”

“We shall protect our master’s precious garment, even at the cost of our lives!”

It was Monaka and Kotone—in bloomers.

“Kyeeeeh! That’s not allowed, zansu! For the Saint and the Miko to take care of an unemployed nobody is unthinkable, zansu! And on top of that, such filthy clothing…! Be a good girl and hand it over to me, zansu!”

“No, Vice Principal! We’ll be the ones to hold onto this coat! Because we’re Leo-kun’s assistants!”

Monaka declared it flatly.

Since when did they become that?

“Indeed! Assistants! It is the natural duty of assistants to look after one’s attire!”

Kotone couldn’t quite pronounce “assistant.”

The vice principal glared at me, his face turning beet-red like he was about to explode.

“Ggh…! Gigigigi…! A-Assistants, zansu!? Having beautiful assistants has been my dream…! Even I, the vice principal, haven’t achieved it yet, zansu—nor has that pig, zansu…! A-An unemployed brat like this… two of them…! Gigigigigigigigi… gigigigigiiiiii—!!”

I had a feeling it was about to happen, so I put an arm around Monaka and Kotone’s shoulders and hurriedly retreated away from the vice principal.

Behind us, a shriek like an explosion thundered out.

“Ky… KYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!”