I Want To Spill What’s In My Heart

When we returned to the royal capital from the County of Sheen, I was swallowed all at once by a whirlwind of busy days.

As I rushed through wedding preparations, greetings, arranging security during the interval, and all the rest at a furious pace, a few months passed in no time.

And now, the banquet and parade were already upon us tomorrow.

All this time, thinking today for sure, today for sure, there was something I had never managed to say.

It was true that I myself had been terribly busy.

Even if the wedding had been simplified, there were still formalities.

Take three steps and bow, sign the vow here, and so on.

There was a mountain of things to remember, and crowds of guests who could not attend the banquet came one after another, so I had to go through endless rounds of “Congratulations” and “Thank you.”

The same was true for Lady Shitoen.

She, on her side, had dress fittings.

Thinking about it now, I was made to realize that we really had not had time to take a trip to Vandel’s place in the first place.

I’m busy today, so tomorrow.

Tomorrow Lady Shitoen is busy, so I’ll find a free moment and talk to her.

Ah, it looks like she’s already asleep, so another time.

By repeating that over and over— the words I wanted to tell her smoldered inside my chest, fermented, and began to give off an unpleasant stench.

I wanted relief. I wanted to spit it out.

But even more than that, I was terrified.

All I had to do was ask Lady Shitoen one simple question.

“Who is Atsuhito?”

And then all I had to do was tell her how I felt.

And yet, I could not do it.

And so it kept rotting inside me, making me feel foul.

For all I knew, Atsuhito might have been a dog she had adored.

There was no reason it had to be a person. It might have been a large dog that resembled me.

That was how I tried to soothe myself, and then I went and imagined on my own, “No, but what if the dog’s owner was a handsome man, and she was actually in love with him,” and ended up feeling dejected again.

But— agonizing like this over and over was not really in my nature to begin with.

At the very least, I wanted to settle it before the wedding.

I steeled myself and knocked on the bedroom door.

“Yes?”

And yet, somewhere in my heart, I had been wishing she would be asleep.

So when that bell-like voice came from inside the room, my heart began pounding.

“I-it’s me.”

Pathetic as it was, my voice trembled a little.

“Ah… please, come in.”

I heard the sound of something being hurriedly put away.

Even while regretting that she probably had some preparation for tomorrow after all, I still slowly opened the door.

“Were you busy?”

I spoke to her in the language of Tania.

She was already in her nightclothes.

I was still in my shirt and trousers.

Still, perhaps she had not intended to sleep just yet. On the writing desk sat letter paper and an inkpot.

“No. I was only writing a letter home.”

Lady Shitoen smiled.

Just the two of us.

Especially at night, our conversations now naturally took place in the language of Tania. By now, Lady Shitoen had also begun speaking to me more casually, and I found that pleasant too.

“I’ll have Eaton bring some tea or—”

When she reached for the bell, I hurriedly shook my head.

“This won’t take long. I just wanted to talk a little.”

I closed the door behind me.

“Then, the sofa—”

Lady Shitoen gestured for me to sit, but I felt that if I sat down, I might start talking about something else instead, so once again I shook my head.

“Um… I thought maybe I should keep quiet, or maybe it would be better not to ask. But somehow, I wanted to make it clear before the wedding.”

The moment I began to speak, the gentle expression Lady Shitoen had been wearing stiffened.

“What… is it?”

“When we went to Vandel’s estate… on the way back, you fell ill, didn’t you?”

“Yes.”

Lady Shitoen nodded timidly.

She had remained standing to match me.

I felt bad about that.

But— but, but, but.

Anyway, all I was doing was spilling this thing inside my heart.

Just saying it, I told myself desperately.

“When you were groggy from the medicine, Shitoen, you said something to me.”

“…What was it?”

Her voice was stiff.

“You said, ‘Atsuhito.’”