What I Had Actually Already Realized

“Over here.”

After work, I entered the tavern where I’d arranged to meet Riichi-san, and he beckoned to me from a seat in the back.

I gave him a nod, walked over, and sat across from him.

“Good evening.”

“Good work today. Farm work again?”

“Yeah. Apparently someone hurt his back, so it sounds like I’ll have to keep filling in for him for a while.”

“That’s rough.”

“Seriously. Back pain isn’t exactly somebody else’s problem for me either. Not something I like hearing about.”

When I rolled my neck, it cracked. When I twisted my back, that cracked too. I’d spent most of my life doing desk work, so my whole body was starting to fall apart.

“You can drink too, right, Roku?”

“Yeah. To a reasonable extent.”

“Let’s look at the menu and order whatever sounds good. We can get into the details after a drink.”

“Sounds good.”

We called over a server and ordered beer and some snacks.

After we toasted and got some alcohol into our systems, I finally brought up the subject.

“—About lap pillows.”

I’d reached the conclusion that maybe she’d given me a lap pillow while I was cleaning the guesthouse.

I’d stripped the sheets and pillowcases off the beds, put them into the washing machine downstairs, and while staring at it churning away, something suddenly clicked.

Maybe I’d been sleeping on a different kind of pillow last night.

From there, I started digging through my memories.

Yūha’s unnatural reaction that morning immediately came to mind, and I began to wonder if that was what had happened.

Something had been off about her lately.

Before, even if the words lap pillow had crossed my mind, I could’ve dismissed it as the delusion of a single man who’d gone too far.

But now—

I couldn’t dismiss it.

Riichi-san happened to call me at just that moment, which turned my suspicion into certainty, and that was how we’d ended up here.

“You asked what the person giving the lap pillow is feeling, right?”

“Yeah. Sorry about earlier. I know you were working, and I asked you something weird.”

“No, it’s fine. I was the one who called you in the first place.”

Riichi-san took a swig of beer and exhaled.

With slightly unfocused eyes, he cleared his throat once.

Fidgeting with an edamame pod in his hand, he muttered,

“I think someone gives a lap pillow because they… l-like the other person.”

“Huh.”

“W-what’s with that face, Roku? You look like you want to say something.”

“No, I was thinking there might be some kind of scheme behind it.”

“A scheme?”

Riichi-san furrowed his brow.

Explaining this part was a little difficult.

…Though at this point, he probably already knew the person I was talking about was Yūha.

He must have called because she’d been acting strange too.

There was no point hiding it.

“It’s Yūha… She’s been acting kind of weird lately. Wanting to be spoiled, wanting to spoil me. I can’t figure out what she’s trying to do.”

“R-really…”

I wet my throat with a lemon sour, ate some fried chicken, then washed it down with more lemon sour.

Riichi-san poked at the fried chicken on his plate with his chopsticks, wearing a complicated expression.

“Maybe you and I are similar, Roku.”

“What do you mean?”

He laughed self-deprecatingly and put a hand on his dark-brown hair.

“Give me a break. I’m not drunk enough to say that out loud yet.”

“Want another drink?”

Maybe because drinking culture was so deeply rooted in the countryside, Riichi-san had a strong tolerance.

Even now, only his cheeks were faintly red. Otherwise, he seemed no different from usual.

I wasn’t particularly weak either, but I’d have to slow down soon or I’d be in trouble.

We made small talk until Riichi-san had downed three more alcoholic drinks, then returned to the subject.

By then, the alcohol seemed to have started working, because his responses had become much more cheerful.

“So what did you mean earlier?”

“Roku, what do you think of Yūha-san?”

“What do you mean? Yūha is Yūha.”

“Exactly. I get that feeling.”

For some reason, Riichi-san nodded vigorously.

He agreed intensely.

But with which part?

I thought about it with my dulled brain, then something occurred to me.

“Kagari?”

He responded with a nod.

“Misuzu is Misuzu. Just like that’s what she is to me, Yūha-san is probably the same to you.”

“Maybe.”

I more or less understood what he meant.

But because I knew Kagari, it was difficult to accept.

If Yūha was to me what Kagari was to Riichi-san—

Then that painfully straightforward woman’s love life wasn’t going to be simple.

“Actually, Riichi-san, you do know how Kagari feels, don’t you?”

“No matter how dense I am, of course I know. Even when I went abroad to study, Misuzu called me internationally. If that wasn’t affection, what else could it have been?”

He smiled with a complicated expression and lowered his gaze to his glass.

Just from that, I could tell he had no intention of returning her feelings.

Somehow, I understood.

Probably because Riichi-san and I were the same kind of person.

“You’ve actually realized it too, haven’t you, Roku? Don’t think you can make me confess everything while you run away.”

“What are you talking about now?”

“There’s only one reason she’d give you a lap pillow.”

Letting his alcohol-loosened tongue carry him, Riichi-san continued.

“Because she likes you. That’s not something you do for just anyone.”

“…………”

I let out a shallow sigh and gently swirled the small glass in my hand.

Fruit liquor on the rocks.

The ice had melted, and the condensation felt cold against my fingers.

“You’ve known that already, haven’t you, Roku?”

“…………Yeah. I guess I have.”

“I’m not going to blame you. You two must have complicated circumstances. A brother and sister your age living alone together isn’t normal.”

I thought it was probably because of this unusual environment.

Maybe Yūha understood somewhere deep down that we weren’t related by blood.

Maybe not consciously, but instinctively.

“I was hoping that wasn’t what it was.”

Riichi-san quietly nodded.

“Let’s drink. At this point, drinking is all we can do.”

“Yeah. Seriously, all we can do is drink.”

The two of us nodded and toasted with glasses whose number we’d long since lost track of.

“…I screwed up.”

I somehow steadied my swaying head and made my way home one step at a time.

Riichi-san had work again tomorrow, so I couldn’t stay over at his place.

I had to get home in this condition.

All the way home.

There were no taxis in a countryside place like this, so walking was my only option.

Even if there had been one, I didn’t have the money to pay for it anyway.

Fortunately, I had tomorrow off.

Even if I ended up with a hangover, I’d have plenty of time to lie around.

The immediate problem was whether I could actually make it home like this.

I’d been stopping to rest along the way, but at this point I honestly wanted to just fall asleep by the roadside.

It was midsummer, so even if bugs bit me, I probably wouldn’t catch a cold.

Fighting that temptation, I somehow dragged my body onward.

About halfway home stood the guesthouse White Snake.

Apparently, the travelers were having some sort of drinking party on the first floor, because the lights were still on.

Right.

I could just slip in there and sleep somewhere.

Even without a bed, I could sleep on one of the cushions in the living room.

Like a moth drawn toward a lamp, I staggered toward the entrance.

Then a voice called out from behind me.

“Rokurō.”

It was such a clear voice that it instantly cut through my alcohol-clouded thoughts.

I turned around and saw Yūha standing there in a tracksuit, using her phone as a flashlight.

Her cheeks were flushed, and she was breathing heavily.

“You weren’t coming home at all. I was worried.”

“Sorry. …But why are you out this late?”

The date had long since changed, and the sky would start brightening in only a few hours.

Normally, Yūha would’ve been asleep ages ago.

“Riichi-san contacted me. He said you looked like you’d have trouble getting home, so maybe I should go meet you.”

“You were still awake?”

“That’s my business.”

“Fair enough.”

“Water.”

She handed me a plastic bottle, and I drank as instructed.

It wasn’t something that would work immediately, but even so, I felt a little better.

I could probably make it home now.

“Thanks.”

“For what?”

“For today. And yesterday too.”

At the mention of yesterday, Yūha’s expression stiffened.

I didn’t know what to do either.

But I couldn’t cut this off.

The one thing I didn’t want to lose was my relationship with you, so I’d wrapped it in lies and carefully protected it.

Even now that those lies no longer meant anything—

I still wanted to stay here.

I reached out and gently patted her head.

Just once, lightly, like a brief tap.

Then I put my hand back into my pocket and walked past the girl.

“Come on. Let’s go home.”