Get Lost

My teeth ground together. Just how much of a pushover did he take me for, to say a thing like that to my face? I nearly laughed out loud.

“You truly must have thought me a joke.”

I curled my hands into fists and ground out each word, one by one. My nails stung where they bit in through my gloves; without them, they would surely have broken the skin of my palms and drawn blood. Come to think of it, that wouldn’t have been such a bad thing. A fine bloody streak raked across Cedric’s cheek held a certain appeal, in fact.

“Do you know something?” I asked.

“In everything you’ve just said to me, there wasn’t a single word of apology.”

“Mari.”

“Please — just shut that mouth of yours. The mere sound of you putting my name in it makes my skin crawl.”

His voice, calling to me with that feigned tenderness, grated like a metal skewer dragged down a pane of glass. I’d sooner have Herman call me ‘Gloria’ a million times over than hear it.

I honestly have no idea what I’ve just been made to sit and listen to.

So only now that he’d lost me did he finally understand. And I was supposed to just come back to his side? I turned the wretched thought over and over, then quietly closed my eyes.

For the briefest moment, I let myself think that if I danced to Cedric’s tune, I might just win my name back.

Once I’m back in my rightful place, I can simply divorce Cedric and be done with it.

But how could I ever trust a word from this man? Nothing said that someone who had betrayed my trust once wouldn’t do it a second time.

Above all, one thing was certain: I had no intention of remaining at Cedric’s side a moment longer. Every minute, every second spent facing him turned my stomach. It struck me anew how deeply those days at his side had gnawed at me, how raw the wounds still ran.

“I decide where I belong. And I’m telling you — even if I died and woke again, it would never be at your side.”

“I’ve explained the whole of how it came about. Is that still not enough for you?”

“Not enough? Hardly. If anything, it’s more than I could ever need.”

“Then why are you being like this? Surely you don’t mean to live out your whole life under Gloria’s name?”

As if I would.

“Wasn’t this the very situation you wanted — me clutching Gloria’s name to my chest and dying all alone in that ducal castle?”

I fully intended to reclaim my name and see every last one of them punished. But there was no need to announce a resolve so firm aloud, so I swallowed the words rising in me and barely kept hold of my composure.

“No, Mari. I’m telling you — what I want now is to set everything back the way it was.”

This maze of a conversation showed no sign of ending. So much so that I half-wondered whether he wasn’t dragging it out on purpose.

I’d clap that mouth shut this very instant if I could.

No. If I could, I’d have sewn it shut. So this was hatred, then. My head swam, dizzy with a feeling I was meeting for the very first time.

I had no more time to waste in this place. I needed to get back to Herman as fast as I possibly could.

“I’ve nothing more to say, so go on your way.”

“What?”

“I said get lost.”

Even after I barely kept hold of my reason long enough to say it, Cedric Drake showed no intention of stepping aside.

“G-get lost? That’s — that’s so unlike you, to say such a—”

The man gaped, mouth opening and closing like a goldfish’s, thrown by what I’d said, and the sight of him filled me with revulsion. I shot him a single glare and made to stride straight past.

“…Is it because of Herman Ernst.”

Cedric said it pointedly, as though to be certain I heard.

“I asked whether that man is the reason you — you, who once had eyes for no one but me — have turned out like this.”

Ah. My old nurse used to have a saying for a moment like this, I think. What was it now… something about losing your head entirely.

“Hah.”

I stopped in my tracks and looked back over my shoulder.

“So even the way you think is exactly what I’d expect of you.”

I was about to pour a stream of abuse over him for only ever thinking in his own terms. In that instant, Cedric Drake seized my wrist with brute force.

“!”

Then he cupped the back of my head and pulled it hard against his chest.

“What is this—!”

It was ghastly. Foul.

His hand pressed flat to the small of my back, and a revolting sensation went crawling up my spine. I wanted to wrench myself free, but my strength was no match for his.

“Let go of me! Let go while I’m still asking you nicely—!”

“I’m sorry, Marienne. I’m truly sorry.”

“What are you even saying?! Honestly — the sort of man you are—!”

“I said I’m sorry. I mean it, Mari.”

Cedric only repeated his meaningless apologies over and over.

“I don’t need your worthless apologies — let go of me!”

No matter how I thrashed, Cedric would not let go, so I stopped struggling and ground my teeth. And just as I lifted one leg to stamp my heel down onto his foot…

“…Don’t forgive me.”

Cedric muttered it, low and ominous.

“Ah!”

In that same instant a violent force shoved me back, and I pitched forward onto the floor. Before I could so much as spit out a cry of pain, Cedric’s voice rang out.

“I told you not to do this, Duchess Ernst!”

Slumped there on the corridor floor, I looked up at Cedric as he shouted like a man gone mad. And in that instant the thought that something had gone terribly wrong came climbing up through my veins.

“Oh my — whatever is going on here?”

At that same moment the door through to the banquet hall swung open, and a shrill voice carried out. My neck had gone so stiff it would scarcely turn, and it was all I could do to seek out the voice’s owner.

“Why on earth is the Duchess on the floor…”

“My word — so the unthinkable really does come to pass, just as they say.”

A whole cluster of noblewomen stood gathered there. They were the ladies of the reading circle, a carefully cultivated set of long-standing acquaintances.

“M-Mari. It isn’t what it looks like. Don’t misunderstand.”

Beside the knot of noblewomen stood a familiar face. Gloria had gone white as a sheet, only her lips trembling.

“I’d only stepped out for a moment to visit the retiring room when, all at once, the Duchess Ernst planted herself in my path. I tried my very best to talk her round and send her gently on her way, but there was simply no reasoning with her.”

In an instant, Cedric transformed into the faithful husband, rushing over to Gloria in a fluster to make his excuses.

“And then, out of nowhere, she threw her arms around me, and I had no choice but to pry her off. I’m truly sorry you had to see me like this.”

At Cedric’s plea in his own defense, an uneasy stir ran once more through the noble ladies.

“She really does seem to know no shame.”

“One could hardly grow a face so thick.”

Slander and reproach beat against my ears. Drawn by the ladies’ commotion, the other nobles nearby began to gather, one by one.

“Whatever is all this uproar at a triumphal banquet, of all places…”

“What on earth happened?”

“Well — they say Gloria Ernst went and pulled that same disgraceful business on Count Drake again.”

The sidelong glances brimmed with relish for fresh gossip to chew over and with disgust in equal measure. And in that moment, Gloria’s frail little voice poured oil on the flames of their sport.

“No. I believe you, Cedric.”

She arranged the most piteous expression and murmured softly.

“The truth is, I saw that girl go chasing after you. But I hadn’t the courage to follow on my own, so I asked the few ladies I’m on good terms with to come along with me…”

The stares raining down over my face were like needles. Past mere stinging now, they seemed to pierce the skin and stab clean into the deepest part of my heart.

I tried my hardest to look away from those suffocating stares and hold on to my calm. But I had already been cast as nothing more than the madwoman who would fling herself at her twin’s husband, and at her own husband’s triumphal banquet, no less.

…This was what they’d been scheming for from the very start.

However was I to get out of this? My head was brimming over with that one question, when…

“I ask purely out of curiosity — but whatever is the matter with you, to carry on like this, Gloria?”

The name ‘Gloria,’ flung out by Gloria herself, brought my thoughts to a halt.

That’s right. I’m Gloria now.