Changes (3)

“Miss Na! I am truly in love with you! I have been, for a long time—ever since before I even met you!”

Clenching my fist, I forced the words out with a burning gaze.

My heart pounded like mad, excited by finally voicing my true feelings.

Then, after a moment, I let out a deep sigh.

“Ah, is that going to sound completely ridiculous? Maybe I shouldn’t say I loved her even before we met?”

Before going to see Miss Na, I had come out to a deserted clearing and was agonizing over what to say when I confessed.

“Then how about this? Miss! In my eyes, you are the most beautiful woman in the world! Far more than Miss Cheong-yeon! Far more than Lady Tang!”

But after saying that aloud, I shook my head again.

“Sigh, no matter how much I love Miss Na, that just sounds like an outright lie, doesn’t it? Maybe I should say looks aren’t what matters. That I fell for her kind heart instead?”

I had already come up with and tried out dozens of lines, but not a single one felt right.

They all felt either horribly childish or overly dramatic.

I let out a long sigh and thought,

‘Am I really supposed to go through with this?’

The confidence that had seemed to fill my whole body when I reached eighty years of internal energy had vanished like air, along with the dozens of imagined confessions, leaving behind nothing but bare, rattling bones.

Internal energy and confidence, it seemed, were completely different things.

No matter how I thought about it, I just could not believe Miss Na would accept my confession.

I could no longer tell whether this confidence-less judgment was clear self-assessment or just cringing cowardice shriveled by fear.

Above all, I was terrified that if I confessed and failed, things might become awkward between us.

I sighed again and muttered,

“Maybe I should just not do it?”

I had said it without thinking.

But the moment the words left my lips, they became a terribly powerful temptation.

Yes.

If I did nothing, then nothing would change, would it?

Then I could go on being exactly the same with her as I always had.

I could go on looking at her alone, just as I always had.

I could go on agonizing by myself, just as I always had.

And nothing would change at all.

Yes, just like it had been until now…

As I was thinking that, I realized that at some point I had slumped down where I stood.

Only after noticing it did I finally understand what the real problem was.

Right now, I was trying to run away.

From an unknown, frightening future.

From a change that might destroy the current me.

And that feeling was very familiar.

I let out a hollow laugh and murmured,

“Hah, like this I’m no different from the Seonu Jin of my last life.”

That was it.

This was exactly how I would have thought in my previous life.

Just like the cowardly pig Seonu Jin who had given up acting because he was afraid of unpredictable outcomes.

“Phewwww.”

I took a deep breath.

Only then did my head feel clear.

Whether my confession succeeded or failed might not actually be the important part.

What really mattered was whether I could confess in the first place.

Whether I could stand proudly before her.

To trust myself, and to stand on my own two feet and face my fear head-on.

That was what I truly needed.

If I could not do that, then it would make no difference whether I stayed in the Seventh Squad or moved to another.

Wherever I was, I would always remain in the back, only watching her from afar.

I sprang to my feet on the spot.

And I began to walk.

Toward where Miss Na would be.

It would be fine even if I did not manage to confess.

Right now, I just wanted to stand proudly before Miss Na, look her properly in the eyes, and speak with her.

I did not want to let this hard-won realization slip away.

Lost in those thoughts as I walked, I soon found myself standing in front of the women’s quarters of the Seventh Squad.

“Phewwww.”

I took a deep breath.

Just because I had realized what my problem was did not mean my fear had vanished.

I was still afraid and still wanted to sit down and stay where I was.

But even so, now I could move.

No, I had to.

I carefully knocked on the door of the quarters.

Knock, knock, knock!

Then I heard Miss Cheon Jueun’s voice from inside.

“Yes! Who is it?!”

I swallowed hard.

Then, squeezing my eyes shut, I spoke.

“It’s Seonu Jin. Is Miss Na inside by any chance?”

I said it.

I had actually said it.

I had asked for her to be called out.

My heart pounded wildly.

Then the door opened at once.

Creak.

For a moment, I thought my heart would stop.

“Young Master Seonu?”

But fortunately—or unfortunately—the person who opened the door was not Miss Na.

Inside, Miss Cheon was staring at me with her big, cute eyes round.

“Big Sister Seoyu just went to headquarters. It looked like a message came from her family home.”

“Ah, I–I see?”

Hearing that Miss Na was not inside, all the strength drained out of me at once.

Along with heavy disappointment, I also felt a small flicker of relief in one corner of my heart.

Then Miss Cheon Jueun suddenly opened the door wide and spoke.

“You can come in. Would you like to wait inside for a bit?”

I hurriedly laughed and shook my head.

“N–no, that’s fine. I’ll just go to headquarters.”

With that, I started walking toward headquarters.

I was afraid, but I could not give up here.

If I let this chance slip, I was not sure when I would be able to muster this kind of courage again.

Today, I had to talk with her, no matter what.

And in another sense, it seemed better to meet her outside rather than in front of the quarters.

At least then I would not have to worry about other people watching.

I was thinking that as I walked toward headquarters when I suddenly saw someone running quickly in my direction.

It was Miss Na—the woman whose image had been carved deepest into my mind since my past life.

Gulp.

I stopped walking without realizing it.

My resolve from earlier had vanished somewhere, and my mind went blank.

I was not ready yet, but she was coming toward me far too quickly.

She was running and calling my name.

“Young Master Seonu!”

I reflexively straightened up and answered,

“Y–yes, ma’am!”

Then she stopped in front of me.

There was no one else around.

Just the two of us.

So I had to speak now.

“M–Miss Na!”

Forcing my suddenly broken mouth to move, I managed to squeeze out my voice.

And I tried to say my next words.

But—

“Young Master Seonu! I think I have to hurry back to my family home!”

“So I was saying, I, w–wait, back to your family home?”

As the meaning of her words sank in late, I looked at her face.

Only then did her expression truly register.

I had been too out of it to notice, but Miss Na now looked extremely flustered.

It even seemed like tears were welling up in her eyes.

She spoke in a desperate voice, looking as though she might burst into tears at any moment.

“Father is very ill! There was nothing like that in the last letter, so I don’t know what could have happened all of a sudden…. So I requested leave. I’ve been granted a month for now, but how long I’ll actually stay will depend on what I find when I get there. I know I really shouldn’t be leaving when the captain is away on the search and all, but… ah, I really shouldn’t be doing this…. What should I do?”

Seeing her rambling like that, my mind finally started working properly again.

And I realized what I needed to do now.

First, I calmed her down.

“Miss Na, it’s all right. Don’t worry about anything and just go. The captain’s search for the Iron Fiend won’t take that long, and even if it does, I’ll take care of everything else.”

“…Young Master Seonu.”

Seeing that she finally seemed a little calmer, I smiled and spoke.

“Trust me, Miss Na. Believe it or not, I’m the kind of talent everyone wants to drag off to be their captain or vice-captain. Nothing will happen. I’ll explain everything properly to the others, so don’t worry about us and hurry to your father.”

She wiped her tearful eyes, now looking more composed, and said,

“Thank you so much. I’ll just grab my things and leave right away, then.”

“Yes. Travel safely. Take good care of your father and come back once he’s recovered.”

Miss Na sprinted off toward the quarters.

She looked terribly anxious.

Watching her retreating back, I thought,

This could not be helped.

Perhaps this was Heaven’s way of saying the time was not yet right.

“Hah, hah… ugh, I’m dying here. Looks like the captain’s not coming back today either, huh?”

Bi Sayoung, who had been pounded to his heart’s content in a spar with me, lay spread out flat on the ground and suddenly asked out of nowhere.

I snorted a laugh as I answered.

“Well, it’s only been two days.”

Panting for a moment more, he asked again,

“Miss Na is supposed to come back in a month, right?”

“She was granted a month’s leave for now, but it’ll depend on how her father’s illness goes. Why? You missing the captain and Miss Na because you’re stuck dueling just me?”

At my words, he flinched as if I’d hit the mark, then cleared his throat and replied,

“Hrmm, well, not exactly. I just think it’s more fun to fight a variety of people, that’s all.”

Since returning to the front, Bi Sayoung had been training with renewed intensity.

He really seemed to want to catch up to Brother Hwa Yeong-bin.

So I had been taking our spars seriously to match his enthusiasm, but seeing that he missed other opponents, it seemed it had been a bit hard on him.

As he lay there blankly, he suddenly asked again,

“By the way, can we really use up to a month of leave now?”

“Yeah. The Sword Saint elder apparently changed the rules. We can now take up to three weeks for regular leave, and up to a month for major family events.”

He let out a sound of admiration, then lamented at the same time.

“Wow, if our leave hadn’t already passed, we could have taken three weeks too. That’s a bit of a shame.”

“Shame, my foot. Have you forgotten that the Fifth Squad, whose turn it was this time, hasn’t been able to take leave at all because of our deployment—and now because of the Iron Fiend?”

“Mm, is that so?”

During the month while we were away, the Sword Saint elder—Miss Cheong-yeon’s father—had changed many things at the front line.

One of those changes concerned leave.

The vacation period, originally limited to a single week, had been extended to up to a month.

In our case, we had only taken a week and come back, since we had gone in place of Fourth Squad thanks to Ma Yugyeom’s concession. But from our turn’s successors, Fifth Squad onward, they would be able to go on leave for three weeks.

However, that Fifth Squad had just had their leave delayed again, because too many of their people had died during this Iron Fiend incident and their captain, Dok Sugwang, had gone out on the Iron Fiend search.

I suddenly thought of the face of Captain Dok Sugwang of Fifth Squad, who had always looked at me with dissatisfaction.

I did not exactly like him either, but I could not help feeling a bit sorry for him.

I had begun to understand that his behavior toward me and Captain Seol Pung was an expression of inferiority.

Except for that, he was a captain trusted in his own way by his squad members.

A thought crossed my mind.

‘It’s already been two days. I wonder if he’s getting along with Captain Seol Pung during this search.’

It had been two days since the Thirteenth Unit’s captains had left to search for the Iron Fiend.

That also meant it had been two days since Miss Na had hurried back to her family home.

Nothing in particular had happened in that time.

Even without the captains, we had kept to our usual routine of training and patrols, maintaining daily life on the front.

There was just one small thing that bothered me.

And that was…

I glanced over at Bae Jonggwan and Miss Cheon Jueun, who were sparring right next to us.

Both of them had grown a great deal since the last deployment.

The problem was that the number of us from our squad currently training here stopped at four.

Bi Sayoung remarked casually,

“Looks like Miss Hae isn’t coming out today either.”

“Yeah, looks that way.”

What concerned me was Miss Cheong-yeon.

Her condition had been very strange lately.

These days, whether on patrol or during downtime, she was always lost in thought and rarely spoke up.

No matter what you asked her, she only gave brief, clipped answers.

She did not even try to join training, to the point that Miss Cheon Jueun had come to me in worry.

After thinking for a moment, I muttered,

“I guess I should go talk to her, huh?”

I felt I needed to set aside some time and speak with her.

After all, we had entered the front together, and I was probably the one she had known the longest here.

Bi Sayoung looked at me for a moment, then let out a small snort of laughter.

“You seem pretty full of confidence these days, you know?”

At that unexpected comment, I looked puzzled and asked,

“Huh? Me?”

“Yeah. You always used to be really uncomfortable with that kind of thing, remember? Approaching people first. If you thought of someone as an enemy, you’d be ruthlessly merciless, but when it came to people close to you, you treated them like they were made of glass and might break at a touch. Back then, even if you were close to Miss Cheong-yeon, I don’t think you would’ve ever thought of approaching her first to talk about her problems.”

I suddenly thought, ‘Was I really like that?’

And then I admitted it.

He was probably right.

I had always been terrified of emotionally clashing with the people close to me.

In the Seonu Clan, I had feared clashing with my family, siblings, and friends. On the front, I had feared clashing with my squad mates.

I was always anxious that the few people I had might drift away from me again.

So I had constantly fretted at a distance, unable to take the first step toward them.

‘Even in my last life, I chose to play the fool rather than fight with my brothers, didn’t I.’

I had thought I’d changed a lot in this life, but perhaps my attitude toward people was not so different from before.

Maybe it was because I had lost my mother young and, ever since, had only watched people drift away from me.

Whether in the Seonu Clan or on the front, my past life had always been one of losing people.

So I had always been afraid I would lose the ones beside me now as well.

‘And yet…’

If there was something that had changed even a little, it was probably because I had resolved to confess to Miss Na.

Even though I had not actually confessed, my decision to face the fear within me might have begun to influence my actions.

That was what I thought.

I smiled faintly and asked Bi Sayoung,

“Why? Do I seem like I’m overdoing it?”

He shook his head with an unusually serious expression.

“No. You finally look all right. It’s like you’ve shed your shell. A guy who’s got everything and shouldn’t envy anyone, always looking anxious and worrying about what other people think—it just didn’t suit you. I used to think, ‘Ah, this guy must have led a life really starved for people. I went through a lot and had a rough time, but at least I was always loved by my martial brothers. Maybe this guy never had even that.’ That kind of thing.”

“……”

It was something I had never heard before.

Words about me, from a friend, that I was hearing for the first time.

They stabbed through my chest like blades and made it ache, yet somehow they also felt refreshing.

He went on.

“You’re allowed to be a bit arrogant. You’re a pretty amazing guy. Good-looking face. High-level martial arts. Smart to boot. If someone like you has no confidence in himself, then someone like me, who only has baseless confidence, is going to feel pretty embarrassed, you know? And… you’re not alone anymore, are you? You’ve got this many friends now who like you and are rooting for you.”

Something swelled up inside my chest.

His words that I was no longer alone, and the sincere look in his eyes as he said them, felt so warm that I could not open my mouth.

As I stood there blankly staring at Bi Sayoung, he scratched his head in embarrassment and got to his feet.

“Ah, that was a good rest. Time to train again, I guess. Hey, Jonggwan! Miss Cheon! How about a two-on-two?”

Even after he fled the scene with a face that screamed embarrassment, I remained standing there for quite some time.

I wanted to hold onto this warmth a little longer.

A thought crossed my mind.

I was truly glad to have come back.

So glad that I had been able to return and save my friends.