The Doomed Fief’s Dying Lord (26)

I asked Ronari.

“Ronari. What on earth is that…”

“No, Young Master. I’m sorry. Please forget it.”

She avoided my gaze.

The aftershock of that shocking remark was still lingering.

I instinctively checked the Status Window.

[Personnel Resource Information Update]

[Second Personnel Resource]

[Ronari Arenta]

[Current Trust: 122/200]

[…]

[First Perso…]

I skimmed only the necessary information and closed the Status Window.

Trust 122.

When did it rise like this?

‘This is dangerous.’

It was both how I felt right now and what Ronari had said.

In a way, it was praise.

Do I deserve such praise?

I didn’t think so.

But at the same time I thought this too.

‘I am the protagonist.’

I had never doubted that.

Although I’m Shane and ranked E, I was, after all, a foreigner transmigrated into this world.

I naturally assumed I was the protagonist.

So I took Alejandro’s retainers as I pleased and didn’t hesitate to use the authority I had.

I had no qualms about acting like the protagonist.

But in domain stories, the protagonist is the Lord.

I was acting that way despite not being the Lord.

‘Maybe I had been treating becoming the Lord as a foregone conclusion.’

Because I was the protagonist.

Because I would save this domain.

I would have to replace Alejandro’s position.

Maybe I had been thinking that.

Let’s concede a hundred times that such a thing could be allowed.

Everyone has ambitions.

I have pride, competitiveness, and a desire to rise.

But someone like Ronari appearing is a different matter.

I can control my desires and actions.

No matter how arrogant I get, I wouldn’t desire rebellion.

Alejandro is someone qualified and capable of ruling Denabi.

‘But what if others don’t think that way?’

The moment that sentence popped up.

“Never…!”

I grabbed Ronari’s shoulder.

“I absolutely won’t allow you to say things like that.”

She still avoided eye contact.

I held her more tightly.

“Ronari. Look me in the eye.”

She didn’t.

She only said.

“I’m sorry. It was a slip of the tongue.”

“Don’t ever say something like that again. They are my respected father and brothers.”

“…It hurts.“

I jumped back in surprise.

I had been holding her too tightly without noticing.

“…I’m sorry.“

At that moment, footsteps were heard from afar.

It was a servant from Limone Castle.

“A room has been prepared for your rest.”

“Please show me.”

Ronari answered that way.

I had no chance to intervene.

My gaze hurriedly flicked between the servant and Ronari.

I still had things to say to Ronari.

But it wasn’t something I could say in front of people from Limone Castle.

I couldn’t even figure out exactly what to say.

In the end, I had to follow the servant to the room.

Ronari stood before my eyes.

I couldn’t control even her thoughts.

I could try to persuade her next time.

But what if the number of people following me grew to ten, twenty?

If they all thought like Ronari? Then…

’…I would never be able to stop it.’

And I would truly become a threat to Denabi.

Not Denabi’s salvation.

Then someone inside me whispered softly.

‘Would that really be a bad thing?’

I lay down on the bed in the room.

It’s quiet.

It was a silence that had come after a long time.

‘I’ve been too busy until now.’

I had been falling asleep as if chased, with no time to rest.

Rest felt unfamiliar.

Truly, it’s laughable.

Even now.

I couldn’t rest comfortably and was restless.

I wanted to go find Ronari right away and persuade her.

But what would I say?

Should I repeat what I already said?

‘I’m not as great as you think!’

It was something I could do because everyone helped me.

Why don’t they know that?

“Aaargh…! Damn it!”

I tore at my hair.

Ah. Calm down. Calm down, Lee Jungwoo.

Maybe you’re overthinking it?

Ronari is a sensible person.

There’s no guarantee her thoughts will truly become treasonous.

And just because other talents’ trust levels rise doesn’t mean they’ll share Ronari’s mindset.

Isn’t that a more rational way to think?

But then, why can’t I think only like that?

‘Why…’

Because of this.

[First Personnel Resource]

[Shane Astrier]

[Self Trust: 50/200]

That was information updated during the conversation with Ronari.

I had brushed it off because I was busy then, but looking now, it was real.

[Self Trust]

The sudden appearance of that information meant only one thing.

My suppressed pride, self-esteem, ambitions, and desires had awakened.

The Status Window seemed to be saying to me.

‘You also have ambitions. You want to think you’re more fit to be the Lord!’

I couldn’t deny it.

This information was updated right after Ronari declared this.

‘The Lord of Denabi must be the Young Master. Not Jin, not Reno, not Alejandro 6 you. It must be Shane Astrier.’

Isn’t that praise for me no matter how you look at it?

It means they don’t want to serve any ruler other than me.

I was flustered. But I was happy.

How could I not feel good when someone said that much?

They were acknowledging my ability.

They were saying they’d follow only me.

How.

Self Trust.

In any sense, it’s the same as self-esteem.

When was the last time I looked after my self-esteem?

I don’t even remember.

All along, Lee Jungwoo’s self-awareness had been curled up at the fringes of his heart.

‘But everything changed when I became Shane.’

People praised me.

It was intoxicating.

There probably wasn’t anyone as thirsty for praise as I was.

But equally, I was afraid of praise.

Do you know that?

Praise is addictive.

At first it’s nice.

Thanks to praise you’ll work harder and become desperate for achievements to earn more praise.

Just like Lee Jungwoo in his school days.

“Dad, look at this.”

“What’s this? A dictation test?”

“No, not that. Today. Look.”

“Wow, our Jungwoo got a perfect score?”

“Yeah.”

It was the first praise I remember.

I was happy.

“Our Jungwoo. Promise me. Get a perfect score next time too.”

“Okay!”

‘Dad is the best! I have to get praised again!’

I promised myself.

And I kept that promise.

I received praise.

But what about when it happens a second, third time?

Then praise becomes something taken for granted.

As natural as oxygen.

“How about math?”

“Grade 1.”

“Korean and English will be obvious. Social studies?”

“1, 1.”

“All first ranks? Not bad. Keep it up next time too.”

I wanted to do that too.

But where is anything eternal?

Achievements and praise can’t go on forever.

The Lee Jungwoo in my memory shook his head with a pained expression.

“No.”

“?“

“English is a three.”

“…What?“

Lee Jungwoo squeezed his eyes shut.

Yeah, there are days like that.

You might not get praised.

But here’s the thing.

At that moment you experience a truly suffocating feeling.

“Last time I let the English three slide. But what is this? Huh?”

A rolled-up mock Korean test paper with a second grade smacked my head.

“I just made a mistake.”

“You make a mistake on a three-point question? In a test where everyone else got 100 and one wrong turns it into second grade? Are you kidding me?”

“…It was a mistake.“

Wow.

How much I worked at that time.

You all know how I felt.

Everyone has probably embarked on the journey to reclaim lost praise, right?

It must have been hard for you too.

You must have painfully chased achievements.

But what can you do.

As you know, no matter how hard you try, that day will come.

A day with nothing.

A day that will never come again.

The fall then is like hell.

“Do you know what happens if mistakes repeat?”

The television sound.

“It’s skill. Skill.”

“…“

“Enough. Go.”

That day, Dad never looked back at me.

The future looked pitch black.

It was a despair I didn’t even want to imagine.

But actually, that despair has a companion.

When the despair subsides, that companion arrives.

That one is nastier.

Who is it?

Anger.

We can’t withstand that anger, and we end up hating the unpraised self.

“…“

-Knock. Knock. Knock.

“What on earth are you doing? Are you protesting me right now?”

-Knock. Knock. Knock.

“Yeah. Keep going. Do as you please. If breaking things makes you smarter, do it ten thousand times.”

-Knock. Knock. Knock…

I rubbed my forehead.

Nothing came out of it.

Of course not.

This is the present, this place is Limone, and I’m Shane.

‘Now is the present.’

“Ha.”

I let out a hollow laugh.

It’s a ridiculous phrase.

It’s both right and wrong.

Even after so much time has passed,

After coming to this world,

Even after becoming someone else…

Still, now is the past.

Because I’m trapped in the past.

“Sigh, yeah you. No matter how cheerful you act, you’re still that same Lee Jungwoo from back then.”

Ronari once called me humble.

That was wrong.

I’m simply rejecting praise.

“What do you know about me to praise me?! How much do you think you’ve seen me!”

You’re going to be disappointed in me anyway.

Like Dad.

Honestly, I was afraid of that.

It was the same while I was working.

It’s not that I was bad at my job.

I did well enough.

Still, I refused praise.

It was a gesture telling people not to expect things of me.

Why did I do that?

But I would fall out of line someday too, right?

If I had received so much praise and expectation and then fell at that time?

The drop of disappointment would be absurdly large, proportional to the praise received.

Ugh, I really don’t even want to imagine it.

“But why, why, why… why do you keep shaking me?”

I must be a nobody.

Don’t expect anything of me.

Don’t put your trust in me.

Praise makes me dream.

Absurd dreams.

It makes me dream of becoming the Lord, a true protagonist, worshipped by everyone.

But I know.

Dreams are eventually broken.

Big dreams leave bigger cracks.

I detest that.

“If I fail anyway, you’ll betray me! You won’t even look at me then!”

I curled up and pressed my forehead to my knees.

And I scolded myself.

You idiot! You’re not cut out to be a Lord!

Don’t be arrogant!

Don’t be addicted to praise!

But no matter how much I chanted that, there was an unchanging fact.

‘Praise is addictive.’

The taste of praise that once wet my lips.

It still lingered on my tongue.

What am I going to do about this.

My throat was already dry.

I’m ravenously thirsty!

‘Get lost, you monster of recognition craving…!’

And then, that line from the Status Window flickered before my eyes once more.

[Regular Contracted Talent]

[…]

[…Also, they will never betray the Overseer until the contract expires.]

That line whispered to me.

‘Perhaps, if I’m with them, there might be no moment of falling.’

It was a sweet voice.

“Never… you really won’t betray me?”

…Really?

And the monster lifted its head.

-Thump thump thump

-Screeech

Through the crack of the door, Ronari’s pale face appeared.

“…Young Master?“

“I came because I had something to ask.”

She still avoided eye contact.

She spoke softly.

“I’m sorry about what happened earlier today. I apologize again. I think I got too excited.”

“No. That’s not why you came.”

Only then did she look up at my face.

That gaze carried an unspoken question.

‘Then what is it?’

“You said I was dangerous.”

She hesitated.

The answer barely slipped past her lips.

“…Yes.“

“Has that thought not changed yet?”

“Yes.”

This answer was concise.

Finally, the time had come.

It was time to ask the proper question.

I asked.

“Could you tell me once more why you think I’m dangerous?”

Then she pushed my chest.

It made me step back.

She gently closed the door and leaned against it.

And she said.

“Shall we go back to the beginning?”

She asked.

“The chief Administrator’s embezzlement. Who stopped that?”

“Me.”

“Who planned the business with that money?”

I answered immediately.

“Me. But that was something I could do with Ronari Administrator’s help.”

“I only provided information. I showed you around the market. Who in the world would see that and think to dominate the alcohol market?”

She continued speaking without giving me a chance to object.

Of course I no longer intended to argue.

“It’s not just that. The Young Master saw through many things 6 from the existence of moonshiners to my father’s true feelings. Then you captivated Denabi Castle’s staff and even persuaded Lord Alejandro. Shall I continue?”

“…“

I urged her on with silence.

“Who recognized talents in me that even I didn’t know? Who came to this Limone land and unmasked the Lord of Limone? Who made the Lord of Limone hurry without revealing Denabi’s urgent situation?”

It was all me.

These were things I had done.

I clenched my fist tightly.

I brought that fist to my chest.

And as if squeezing something out,

I asked her.

“…Then, Ronari. Could someone else have done those things?“

“No.”

She shook her head.

“Because it was the Young Master, we were able to come this far.”

“What will you do if I disappoint you? I’m not as… as you think…”

She grabbed my arm.

And with a determined expression she told me.

“That won’t happen. Don’t doubt yourself anymore.”

At that moment, rain fell on land that had been parched for over a decade.

‘Yes. This is it.’

This is what I had hoped for.

No matter how much I denied or rejected it, I was back where I started.

The boy Lee Jungwoo who yearns for praise.

Lee Jungwoo, the monster of craving recognition.

The Lee Jungwoo who harbors ambition only for the moment of being praised, willing to trample everything to climb up.

He met the moment of relief he had long forgotten.

But there was no time to savor that aftertaste.

That guy 6 no, I asked.

“Where are the other staff?”

“They should be in the room just below. Why suddenly6 ah…!”

I grabbed Ronari’s hand and headed toward the window.

Outside it was night, but still noisy.

They seemed busy gathering troops scattered across Limone.

I moved toward the stairs.

Ronari, held by me, called out in a flustered voice.

“Young Master?“

“Let’s take the others and return to Denabi immediately. It’s best to go while the Lord of Limone is busy assembling troops.”

“What do you mean…? Weren’t we supposed to go with the army?”

I answered as I walked.

“If the Lord of Limone’s mind changes, we immediately become hostages. They might not even send troops. It’s better to make them follow us.”

“Ah…”

“And didn’t you say earlier?”

She tilted her head.

I turned to her and said.

“The Lord of Denabi must be Shane Astrier.”

Her eyes widened.

They say praise makes even whales dance.

I really intended to dance.

A dance that would never end.

“Ronari. I will return to my land. I’ll return and become the Lord of Denabi. No, I’ll become a grand sovereign with a domain so vast that Denabi would be considered a mere handful of land.”

Ronari once called me a monster.

Looking back, that assessment was accurate.

I am a monster.

A monster thirsty for others’ recognition, thus capable of doing anything.

I will no longer deny the monster within me.

Because I will prove myself.

I will make it so everyone has no choice but to acknowledge me.

I will become the protagonist of this story.