Chapter 25

Bell was a cute girl.

That was partly due to her outward appearance, of course, but above all else, I loved the way Bell would open her mouth and laugh out loud, entirely uninhibited.

After becoming engaged to Bell, my days were filled with joy.

It was so genuinely fun and happy that there was no room for doubt.

‘Won’t you become friends with me?’

Those were the words Bell spoke when she was showing me around the garden. Bell had insisted it wasn’t pity, but I was certain I could see the unmistakable color of pity in her eyes.

You couldn’t help someone unless you pitied them, and mercy was nothing more than an extension of sympathy. I knew that all too well. Human beings never did anything without a purpose. They only acted when there was something to be gained.

Gains differed from person to person, and for Bell, trying to save me was undoubtedly a way to protect her own conscience.

Insisting she didn’t pity me was nothing but a lie.

I looked at Bell with cold detachment, and though I felt a slight twinge of remorse after saying such cruel things, I didn’t regret it.

Yet, seeing Bell try so desperately to win me over was somehow amusing. I figured I might as well play along, and so we grew close.

The boat I had boarded on a whim turned out to be far more comforting than I expected, and before I knew it, we were playing games together and even dragging Schwarz into the mix. For the first time, I felt like I had a world of my own.

A secret base hidden away by the four of us—Bell, myself, Schwarz, and later Will, who joined us. Our own little kingdom of happiness.

Bell forgave me no matter what I said. She would sense my moods with delicate sensitivity and act to stay one step ahead. She walked on eggshells to avoid provoking me. Glancing sideways at me, she would look immensely relieved and happy whenever I smiled.

It felt like those feathers of a bird were tickling my long-lost sense of superiority.

Bell would always follow right behind me. She would chase after me, calling out to wait, and whenever I flashed a smile, Bell would smile back as if reassured.

A sense of superiority masquerading as romance.

I thought I loved it. I never knew it could feel so wonderful, so happy, to be wanted, recognized, and forgiven by someone like this. It felt like I had Bell all to myself, and that made me happy. It made me glad to feel like I was the only one for her.

The royal palace was stifling, and though I cast a barrier over my room and lived holding my breath, this place offered a paradise.

No one rejected me here. No one shrank away from me in aversion.

It felt so blissfully unreal that it was almost enough to make me want to cry.

Every time, Bell would smile, and her scent would fill my chest.

Bell was the symbol of my happiness.

Like a patch of warm sunlight, she was always by my side. Everything precious to me was right here. Day by day, those feelings grew larger, and that sense of superiority eventually morphed into genuine love.

I longed for her so intensely I wanted to scream I love you, utterly infatuated. Even though I knew I would see her again tomorrow, parting with her felt agonizing.

That was why, truly, I really did love Bell. Without any pretense or artifice, I truly did. I thought of her from the bottom of my heart.

And yet, the more I thought of Bell, the more terrified I became.

What if she drifted away someday? What if she went off to someone else?

What would become of me then? If she left me behind, what should I do?

I didn’t want to lose anything anymore. I didn’t want my precious things taken away from me. The mere thought of her disappearing twisted my insides with pain. The thought of her belonging to someone else was utterly unbearable.

Yet, despite being consumed by this unbearable anxiety, Bell never gave me peace of mind.

It wasn’t Bell’s fault. I knew that.

After all, Elder Brother was the crown prince. Ignoring him when he spoke to you was entirely out of the question.

I knew that, and yet, the moment it happened, it felt as though I had been cast headfirst into pitch-black darkness, accompanied by that sensation creeping up behind me… no, crawling straight up my spine.

It was the precursor to despair.

Don’t talk to her. Don’t touch her.

She was my, my precious treasure.

Don’t take her away.

Before I realized it, I was driven to unhinged actions. I had to take Bell back, no matter what. I had to eliminate Elder Brother (the enemy) who was trying to take Bell away from me. If I didn’t, she would be stolen from me all over again.

Holding Bell against my shoulder for a little while gradually brought my usual consciousness back to the surface.

What on earth was I doing? Putting Bell in danger like that. Elder Brother’s piercing gaze stabbed right into my heart.

“Dylan, you ought to thank your fiancée properly.”

Elder Brother’s words sent a chill through me.

As I gasped, Bell’s body suddenly went limp, and I caught her in a panic. Breathing in her ice-gray hair and her familiar scent made the fury surge back up inside me.

Even though Bell had done nothing wrong, my anger inevitably pointed straight toward her.

I was filthy.

I despised the part of myself that remained trapped in the past, struggling in agony. It was unsightly, dirty, and something I wanted to wipe out of existence. And yet, I didn’t want to lose Bell. I was being selfish. I was being egocentric.

And yet, even so, I loved her.

I adored her, I yearned for her so much it drove me mad.

I had fallen in love.

I had gone and fallen in love.

After being rejected by my father, rejected by my brother, and growing utterly despairing of the world, I should never have held onto hope for anything ever again. I had thrown away jealousy, resentment, hatred, love, and happiness alike. I should have discarded them all on that day.

Even though I prayed to be loved by you, could I ever truly be anything to you while I kept hiding my hideous true nature?

If you were to push me away, I could finally die in peace. I could die feeling utterly disappointed in humanity, but you wouldn’t throw me away. Because you cared, because you acknowledged me, because you told me thank you for being born, Bell became my everything.

I hid my greedy, repulsive emotions behind the excuses of romance and love, using them as absolution. I wanted to love Bell more impulsively, more emotionally, letting my desires run wild, and greedily, selfishly demand Bell’s love in return. Having had my love stolen from me, I deserved at least that much right. As long as Bell stayed by my side, that was enough. As long as she looked at me, that was enough.

Anyone who threatened the relationship between Bell and me would face no mercy, whoever they might be. Anyone who stood in my way could simply vanish from the earth.

I had to cherish her, cherish her deeply. I had to enclose my precious things, hide them away so no one else could ever lay eyes on them. So no one else could ever take them from me.

I couldn’t stand the thought of her not being by my side. No, no, no, no, no.

I wanted to confine you in a world where I could make you happy.

I wanted to abduct you so I could keep loving you forever.

I would do anything, so please, just love me.

“Bell, how do you think we can stay together forever?”

My mind was filled entirely with thoughts of you.

Thinking of you made my chest ache with a poignant longing.

I wanted to see you, I wanted to see you so badly it hurt.

I wanted to tell you I love you and whisper words of affection. I wanted a world that belonged only to the two of us—modest and beautiful. No one else. Nothing else. As long as Bell smiled and stayed by my side, that was enough. As long as your everything belonged to me.

This emotion spreading through my chest—that, surely, was madness (affection). If this wasn’t called love, what was?

“By getting married… I suppose?”

“…That’s true. But don’t you think that’s not quite enough?“

Not enough, not enough. Nothing was ever enough.

I wanted to love you more, so much more.

I wanted to be loved more, so much more.

Jealousy and desire tangled together, throwing the gears out of alignment bit by bit. Something inside me was breaking. Was it really that strange to beg you not to leave? I loved you this much. Your existence took up an overwhelmingly massive space inside me.

So much so that it could no longer be undone.

“I always think about it. How can we stay together for eternity?”

I wanted to steal you away.

I reached the room where the barriers had been cast all alone.

Panting, huff, huff, the heavy sound of a beast breathing echoed strangely through the room. Blood dripped steadily down from my thigh.

My ragged breaths were swallowed by the room and instantly vanished. I stared blankly down at my own blood.

“I wanted to escort you, you know.”

What trailed down my cheek was not the blood flowing from my head.

Drop by drop, it left invisible stains upon the fine carpeting.

Why were my feelings so twisted? I just wanted to love normally. I just wanted to experience a normal romance. But tell me, what on earth was normal? It wouldn’t stop. My feelings overflowed, making my chest ache with pressure.

Yet, painful as it was, it felt intensely, overwhelmingly joyous.

Being in love with you felt like an ungodly, supreme bliss I couldn’t help drowning in.

Feigning ignorance of my aching, creaking chest, I chose to look only at the present. I wanted to steep myself in a lukewarm bath, casting aside both past and future. I wanted to turn away from myself and just be held without having to think about anything at all.

And if my chest continued to grind and ache with pain, I would just bind it tight and put a lid on it. Closing my eyes to the sickening, mounting madness (affection) piling up inside me, I would wish only for a future where she wrapped even that pain in her embrace.

Accept everything about me, and love me. Without knowing anything about my ridiculously filthy obsessions, become my one and only family. Marry me, bear my children, and let’s live out our days in a rotten world within a terrarium built for us alone. Even if we died and turned to bones, let our souls remain together beneath the same soil.

My darling, my beloved Bertia.

I would take my time and slowly fence you in. Before you even realized it, you would have nowhere left to run.

A shiver of thrill ran through me at the thought of you thinking of me alone, smiling for me alone.

My mind was filled entirely with thoughts of you.

Thinking of you made my chest ache with a poignant longing.

I wanted to see you, I wanted to see you so badly it hurt.

I loved Bell. I loved her more than anything.

I wanted to have her all to myself. I never wanted to let her go. I didn’t want anyone else to look at her. I didn’t want anyone else to touch her. I wanted to love her. I wanted to be loved.

I wanted to cherish her gently, so gently, yet I wanted to break her with my own hands. I would kill every single person who dared to come near you.

I would give you everything your heart desired. If you wished for it, I would burn the world down. If you died, I would die right along with you.

I wouldn’t let you escape. I would never forgive you for running away from me.

Ah, I loved you so hopelessly (to the point of madness)…