Chapter 58: A Big Fat Woman

As for Cai Xiao’e’s aunt, well, she chanted Buddha for half her life and only in old age did she come to realize the pleasures between men and women, but she didn’t care for ordinary folk. She could only take a fancy to a monk, another person under Buddha.

She had only just gotten involved with the head monk from the nearby Stone Temple, Master Yuanji, and that afternoon as dusk fell the monk rushed over to Cai Xiao’e’s aunt’s house, grandly calling it transmitting dharma before the Buddha, and the moment he arrived, he was in such a hurry he stripped down completely, saying, “Sister, just yield to this humble monk.”

“Amitabha, the old nun has arrived!”

Cai Xiao’e’s aunt, in a few quick moves, was down to her undergarments and was about to get serious when suddenly someone outside began smashing at the door like mad, and between the bangs could be heard shouts and curses, “Ugh, you old nun, do you have any shame? How dare you hide someone! Hand them over now or we’ll break in!”

“Exactly, a decent old nun doing bad things! Open up or we won’t spare your face when we come in!”

“Ugh, you shameless—”

The curses outside were so nasty that Aunt’s heart trembled, and the old monk turned ashen, thinking his little affair had been exposed and that these people had come to catch them in the act, trembling with fear.

“What do we do, what do we do!”

Aunt proved herself a heroine. Seeing the situation she said, “Enough, you roll yourself up in a blanket and stand behind the door. When they come in I’ll reason with them and drive them off, then you can come out and there will be no problem.”

Master Yuanji eagerly agreed, “Amitabha, good, good, come, help this poor monk wrap up.”

“Oh my, you are really fat.”

The two of them fussed and wrapped Yuanji up, then he stood behind the door so that when it opened he would be hidden. As for the kasaya and monk’s robe, the aunt kicked them under the bed, and at that moment with a bang the door was kicked open.

Sitting on the bed Aunt demanded loudly, “Who are you, and why do you trespass into the pure grounds of our Buddhist household?”

But unexpectedly the ringleader spat with contempt, “I spit on your pure Buddhist grounds. Pure grounds hiding people, how are you even able to say that with a straight face?”

The way he said it, sounded like she was a immoral person for hiding another man’s bride-to-be.

Aunt’s face changed in an instant. She seemed to have realized what was going on. Hadn’t she told Master Yuanji to be clever and not let anyone notice his actions?

“Search!”

At his command a group of people grabbed clubs and began searching the whole room while cursing, “If you want to play this game, fine! If I find you I’ll dunk you in a pig cage and make you ride a wooden donkey!”

The house-searchers were mostly just throwing empty threats, but the fat monk Yuanji hiding by the door was terrified, thinking: how awful, do these people have no humanity, I’m a man, how could I be made to ride a wooden donkey, wouldn’t that embarrass me?

Thinking this, Master Yuanji began to tremble. At first the searchers had not paid attention to the doorway since it was a blind spot, but soon a few people heard the doorframe creak and looked over, discovering a tightly rolled blanket.

“Ah, here it is!”

The men shouted, and Aunt’s heart sank. She thought her life was over. She had been lonely in her first half of her life, finally finding sexual happiness in her later years, only to be caught red-handed now. She feared she might lose her life.

Aunt closed her eyes to wait for fate’s judgment, but after a long while no one paid her any heed. When she looked up she saw several strapping young men hoist the blanket-wrapped fat monk onto their shoulders and walk out the door.

“Holy crap, this big fat woman has some weight to her.”

“No kidding, that big round butt will surely be able to bear a son in the future.”

“Come on, let’s go tell Master Zhao the good news, we’ve caught the person.”

The strong lads carrying the fat monk found Zhao Baili. When Zhao Baili heard someone had been captured he said, “Good, bring her back, put her in bridal clothes, have them marry at the altar. I refuse to believe there’s anything I can’t arrange.”

So the lads strained and carried the big fat monk back to town, and throughout the trip the fat monk was so terrified he did not dare utter a word, and they brought him straight to the Sun household.

At the Sun household Zhao Baili had people toss the monk and his blanket into the back courtyard’s women’s chamber. Zhao Baili stood guard at the door and summoned several women in their forties and fifties.

“Are you women strong enough?”

Zhao Baili asked the women, and they patted their chests and replied, “Don’t worry, Master Zhao. Whether it’s a young girl or a big fat monk, we can hold them down.”

“Good, fine. After you go in, put bridal clothes on her and then lead her to the front yard to wed.”

“Understood.”

The women were determined and rushed into the room, and inside they saw a rolled blanket, faintly sensing a person inside.

“Oh, Sister Wang, this Miss Cai is really quite fat.”

“Yeah, she doesn’t look slim. Enough talk, get Miss Cai out first.”

The women started unwrapping the blanket, and when it rolled open the person inside was unwilling to come out and even tried to roll back in. The women laughed, “The little miss is being stubborn, you won’t get your way this time.”

“Oh my Miss Cai, even an ugly bride must meet her in-laws, come out now.”

The women heaved and unrolled the blanket, revealing something pale and white inside.

Whoa~~

All the women gasped, their eyes popping wider than an ox’s, staring at the pale white mass before them, stunned into silence. After a long moment one woman clicked her tongue and said, “Sister Wang, this is Miss Cai…?”

“This is Miss Cai? Miss Cai, my ass! Master Zhao, we’ve got a problem!”

The woman yelled, and Zhao Baili, who had intended to go drink in the front yard, was startled and returned the same way, pushing the door open.

Whoa~

Zhao Baili’s eyes went wide. The big fat monk was a pale, fleshy mass. The women nearby glanced sheepishly while the monk sat dumbfounded staring at Zhao Baili, both at a loss for words.

After a long while Zhao Baili recovered and said, “W-who the hell are you?!”

The monk, now ashamed and angry, retorted that a monk should not be toyed with like this. Being roughed up might be tolerable, but what was the meaning of this posse of old women gaping like that?

“Amitabha, who are you to ask who I am?”

“Oh dear, you bald goat, how dare you speak like that! I’m asking you about the daughter of the Cai family! Where is Cai Xiao’e?”

“Why do you care? Cai Xiao’e? How would I know? Hurry up and let me go.”

The monk was furious. Anyone stripped and put on display would be in a foul mood. He braced himself to leave, and Zhao Baili, seeing this, became enraged and grabbed a knife nearby.

“Goddamn you! If you don’t hand over Cai Xiao’e today, don’t think you can leave this door!”

“I’m leaving whether you like it or not.”

“If you try to leave, I’ll gut you alive!”

“Come at me then! Stop trying to threaten me, I’m not afraid of you!”

The two squared off, each stepping forward, and with a sudden scrape the knife plunged into the fat monk’s chest.