Chapter 55: Frightened

Fang Rui had not yet shown his face, but when that voice came out, he had basically admitted to being Fang Rui.

Shen Yu’s breathing grew increasingly rapid. The thoughts in her head felt twisted like a large braid of rope. Not that they couldn’t be sorted out, but she had no idea where to begin.

Her head felt dizzy.

“Ah Yu?” When Shen Yu fell silent, Fang Rui cautiously called out once.

Hearing the two syllables “Ah Yu” in a voice familiar and gentle, Shen Yu snapped back to herself, pushed Fang Rui away, stepped down from the bed putting her weight on her right foot, bowed with both hands and lowered her head, “I, your subject, pay my respects to His Majesty!”

Fang Rui looked at the figure in white standing before him, shoulders still trembling slightly, clearly truly frightened by him.

Originally he should have given Shen Yu time to calm down by herself, but Fang Rui was truly afraid: if he gave time, they would drift further and further apart until no amount of filling could level it.

Fang Rui took a breath, removed the mask from his face and set it on the bed, his tone full of helplessness, “Ah Yu, lift your head.”

Shen Yu knew Fang Rui had removed the mask and her heart thudded like a drum. Though she already knew Jia Ming’s identity, when she raised her head and saw that beneath the mask was Fang Rui, she still gasped, then immediately lowered her head again and fell back on her knees.

“Your Majesty, my impersonating a man and deceiving Your Majesty are entirely my own reckless acts and have nothing at all to do with my grandfather! If Your Majesty intends to punish anyone for it, then please punish me!” Shen Yu spoke, her voice urgent and hoarse, as if suppressing the shock she had suffered.

Fang Rui’s expression turned unpleasant upon seeing Shen Yu’s reaction, his brows knitting together. Though he had long imagined Shen Yu would react this way once she discovered his identity, he would rather she unleash her anger at him than swallow it and submit.

But Shen Yu would not. She would consider the bigger picture. That was the way Shen Yu was.

Fang Rui stood, then crouched down to Shen Yu’s level and said, looking straight at her. “When I put on the mask, just treat me as Jia Ming, not the Emperor. Is that not possible?”

Shen Yu buried her head lower, her voice trembling, “His Majesty is His Majesty.”

At those words, Fang Rui reached out and lifted Shen Yu’s chin. She did not resist. As he raised her chin he saw her eyes slightly reddened and misty with tears, and he was momentarily stunned.

Previously Fang Rui always believed Shen Yu was exceptionally strong, able to handle anything. In his previous lifetime, in his impression she had never shown weakness or fragility toward anyone. But in this life, Fang Rui realized it wasn’t that Shen Yu didn’t reveal weakness. She simply couldn’t, and didn’t know before whom she could.

The first time he saw Shen Yu cry was when she got drunk for the first time. This time, though tears did not fall, it was still the second time.

Fang Rui knelt before Shen Yu, meeting her gaze, frowning with a grave expression. “Your foot wound hasn’t healed yet, so don’t kneel. The one at fault is me, not you.”

Shen Yu’s complexion and lip color were paler than when Fang Rui had first entered, yet she barely maintained composure. “Your Majesty, tomorrow I will go to the Great Yuan Hall to voluntarily resign and beg forgiveness. I will not make things difficult for Your Majesty.”

After hearing Shen Yu speak, Fang Rui’s face grew even darker. He reached out and drew her into his arms. Though she did not resist further, Fang Rui could feel how rigid her body was.

As Fang Rui held Shen Yu, her mouth parted slightly, her eyes widening and the look of shock deepening.

Fang Rui buried his head on Shen Yu’s shoulder with a trace of helplessness. “Ah Yu, I can’t let go anymore, otherwise I wouldn’t have resorted to this. But regardless of how you want to treat me, don’t resign yet. If you resign now and lose the position of Minister of Ceremonies, you will be in greater danger.” The Empress Dowager was determined not to let this go so easily. If she learned Shen Yu was a woman and considered how favor had been shown to Shen Yu over the years, she would suspect his feelings and then surely find ways to use Shen Yu to threaten him.

Shen Yu did not respond to Fang Rui. Her expression was tightly drawn, like a bow pulled to its limit and about to snap.

Fang Rui knew Shen Yu could not hear his words now. She was probably focused only on keeping the Grand Guardian’s house safe.

“You allowed me to give you three conditions. Now there is one last condition. Once that last condition is stated, I will pretend I know nothing. I will not know that the Grand Guardian’s house deliberately deceived me nor that you are a woman.”

Fang Rui’s words were spoken right into Shen Yu’s ear, so she heard them especially clearly. She fell silent for a long while, then asked in a stiff voice, “Your Majesty, you mean that?”

“I do.”

“Your Majesty, please state your last condition.” Shen Yu now utterly did not know what attitude to take toward Fang Rui. This His Majesty was no longer the stern, upright ruler she had seen before. Since she wasn’t sure, she decided to treat him as the Emperor, the one who held life and death over the entire Grand Guardian’s house.

“For now, do not resign, and do not expose your identity. At least not within a year.”

Shen Yu fell silent again, and after a long moment she compromised, “I will obey the imperial edict.”

“Let me hold you a bit longer.” Even though Shen Yu had conceded, Fang Rui still did not release her.

Shen Yu, held by Fang Rui, remained utterly rigid, not one bit relaxed.

“If I told you I liked you for many years before I knew you were a woman, would you believe me?”

When Shen Yu heard Fang Rui’s confession, she closed her eyes. Not because she didn’t believe it, but because she dared not think about it further.

Shen Yu had always thought Fang Rui valued her out of appreciation for talent, which explained his regard for her. But now it seemed there were other, improper feelings. The Emperor’s emotions toward her felt like a huge stone pressing on Shen Yu, threatening to suffocate her.

“I know masquerading as someone else to get close to you and deceiving you was despicable. I also did not expect you to forgive me immediately upon learning the truth, but I still must say this: Ah Yu, I’m sorry.”

When those words ‘I’m sorry’ were spoken, Shen Yu’s erected wall of defense immediately collapsed, and the grievance she felt surged out like a flood.

Her voice choked as she said, “His Majesty is not at fault; Shen Yu is at fault. His Majesty only deceived me for over a month, whereas I deceived His Majesty for a full five years.”

Five years? It was more than that. It was ten years in total, and he believed she was a man with all his heart and no longer questioned it.

Fang Rui shook his head. “It’s not the same. You hid it out of necessity from the whole world, whereas I had ulterior motives and only hid it from you.”

“It’s the same, it is the same…” Shen Yu didn’t finish. Her vision blurred and a wave of dizziness hit. Her full weight collapsed onto Fang Rui.

Fang Rui sensed something wrong and called out, “Ah Yu? Shen Yu?!”

He immediately let go and scooped her up, carrying Shen Yu to the bed. When his hand reached for her forehead, the heat of it terrified him.

Shen Yu had already had a fever, so after such a fright she fainted.

Seeing Shen Yu unconscious with a high fever, Fang Rui’s worry burned, yet he could not expose his identity by calling for help or a doctor. He glanced at Shen Yu and then put his mask back on.

He opened the window, grabbed a vase, and as he jumped out the window he hurled the vase hard to the ground. A loud crash reverberated beyond the bedchamber. Soon frantic knocking followed, then Cuizhi’s voice, “Young Master, are you alright? Young Master?!”

With no response, they burst in and found they couldn’t wake Shen Yu. Although her face was pale, her body was scalding, and they immediately sent for a doctor.

Fang Rui did not leave. He stayed behind the house standing for three full watches of the night. Only when it was nearly too late did he depart.

As soon as he climbed from the Grand Guardian’s residence wall onto the General’s residence and his feet hit the ground, the white cat, who seemed to have stayed awake all night guarding Fang Rui, rushed over and rubbed against Fang Rui’s trouser leg.

Fang Rui looked down at it, bent down and picked up the little white cat, a hint of sadness in his eyes.

“Ah Yu will probably return to the way she was when she first learned I was the Emperor, for a long time.” Before Shen Yu became the Top Scholar, she often met with him as a true friend, speaking without much formality. But since she learned he was His Majesty, she never joked with him again. At first she was cautious and guarded, then only slightly more relaxed over time.

Fang Rui sighed deeply, extended a finger to tap the little white cat’s pink nose and said, “The night is long and I’m bored in the palace. Since you’re so clingy, why not come back to the palace with me? I’ll feed and house you.”

The cat seemed to understand and replied with a “meow.”

Looking at such an obedient cat, Fang Rui couldn’t help another sigh. “If only Ah Yu would so readily agree and come to the palace with me, how wonderful that would be.”

Fang Rui turned his head back toward Shen Yu’s bedchamber in the Grand Guardian’s residence as he thought to himself, I hope Shen Yu will be alright.

Fang Rui had not returned all night. Rong Tai hurried out of the palace early to the usual spot to wait for him, and when he arrived and saw His Majesty cradling a cat, he took a small step back.

In an awkward tone he said, “Your Majesty… what is this?”

At that, Fang Rui glanced down at the white ball of fur in his arms and replied, “Doesn’t it look like a cat?”

Rong Tai gulped. Of course he knew it was a cat!

“Your Majesty, I’m asking…where did this cat come from?”

“This one? I picked it up from Lei Shengda’s residence.”

Rong Tai was speechless.

The emperor didn’t pick the cat up! He stole it!!!

As if seeing through Rong Tai’s thoughts, Fang Rui added, “Don’t worry, no one knows I took it.”

Rong Tai’s eyes widened. His Majesty had really stolen it!!!!

Rong Tai intended to persuade Fang Rui to return the cat, but seeing the exhaustion on Fang Rui’s face he said, “Your Majesty, you look as if you didn’t sleep all night.”

Fang Rui smiled weakly. “Enough, no more talk, let’s return to the palace. Hold it.” Saying that, Fang Rui handed the cat to Rong Tai.

Rong Tai looked at the little white cat.

The little white cat looked at Rong Tai.

Both man and cat radiated awkwardness. Fang Rui, not noticing the awkwardness, furrowed his brow slightly and looked at Rong Tai.

Rong Tai immediately put out his hand to receive the cat, but… his hand was super stiff.

Cradling the cat, Rong Tai felt his insides collapse. He used to fear nothing, only the Emperor’s antics. But now he feared one more thing besides the Emperor’s mischief. He was afraid of cats too…