Chapter 58: Clear Thoughts

After Fang Rui entered, he felt out of place standing anywhere, so he stood by the window. He watched as Shen Yu walked to the bookcase, opened a drawer, and took out five small bamboo slips.

Shen Yu walked in front of Fang Rui, placed the bamboo slips in her palm, and handed them back to Fang Rui. “Your Majesty, you dropped these.”

Fang Rui looked at the hand splayed before him, the five bamboo slips lying flat as if never opened. He raised his gaze, and though wearing a mask, he lifted the veil over his eyes and looked at Shen Yu with a complex expression. He did not take the slips, but said very earnestly, “This isn’t the only thing I’ve dropped here.”

Hearing this, Shen Yu immediately looked away, awkwardly bent down, picked up the white cat, held the cat out in front of Fang Rui, while looking at the window. “Then take this cat as well.”

Fang Rui frowned and took the cat from her, but in the next moment he opened the window and let the cat out of the room.

After being thrown out the window, the cat was about to come back in when the window suddenly shut.

“Meow…?” The cat’s cry sounded a bit bewildered.

Seeing Fang Rui toss the cat out, Shen Yu had wanted to stop him. Her mouth opened, but no sound came out.

Fang Rui turned his gaze back, and Shen Yu immediately averted hers. Not long ago she had realized she had feelings, at least in part, for Jia Ming. But when facing Fang Rui she inexplicably felt guilty and couldn’t look him in the eye.

Fang Rui stepped forward and Shen Yu instinctively stepped back. He stepped closer, she retreated again. This repeated until her waist hit the table and she could no longer back away. She lifted her eyes to Fang Rui and warned aloud, “Your Majesty… behave yourself.”

But no sooner had she said “behave yourself” than Fang Rui took the final step, leaving only half an arm’s length between them.

“I’ve also dropped my heart here, Ah Yu.” Fang Rui said the romantic line with a plaintive air, so plaintive it was like the courtyard mongrel whining to Shen Yu: I’ve gone a long time without meat.

Shen Yu felt increasingly that Fang Rui resembled that big mongrel in the yard. Once she thought so, her guard unconsciously eased considerably.

Shen Yu pretended not to understand and said, “Where exactly did Your Majesty drop your heart? Let me—”

Before Shen Yu could finish that “look for it,” Fang Rui moved in swiftly. Before she could react he steadied her waist and kissed her lips.

Shen Yu was taken by surprise, her almond-shaped eyes wide open, filled with astonishment.

Their lips met only for a breath. Fang Rui’s thin lips slowly left Shen Yu’s pink mouth, leaving a faint scent. He looked down at Shen Yu’s stunned, dazed expression and, in an unusually low voice, said, “My heart fell right on you,” paused, then added, “Ah Yu, if you’re angry, you can just hit me.” Fang Rui intended to provoke Shen Yu, to make her erupt.

When Fang Rui loosened his hand around Shen Yu’s waist, her legs weakened and she was about to fall, and Fang Rui immediately steadied her again.

After a long moment, Shen Yu recovered from the surprise and shock, saw those familiar eyes of Fang Rui and immediately reacted: she pushed him away and covered her mouth.

The third time!

This was already the third time he’d kissed her!

Fang Rui was shoved by Shen Yu and took two steps back. Fearing a misunderstanding, he hurried to explain, “Last time I said I had only kissed you and that was true. I have never favored any consort. The whole Great Qi knows this fact!”

Shen Yu’s ears were flushed. The first kiss had happened when she was drunk, the second occurred before she knew Fang Rui was the emperor. Now that she knew, the shock was far greater than before, and hearing Fang Rui say he’d never favored any concubine made her heart pound like a drum.

Jia Ming and Fang Rui’s temperaments weren’t fundamentally worlds apart, Fang Rui was just better at hiding it! Only now did Shen Yu realize that the shameless, untrustworthy one was the truest form of the emperor!

They had clearly agreed to set boundaries, so why did it now feel like those boundaries had already been crossed?

What was she going to do? She had told herself to endure whatever the emperor did, because this shameless person was the emperor, so she must restrain herself and not be rash. But ever since her exposing of his identity, the emperor seemed unrestrained and he shamelessly behaved as he pleased. She had never before felt such a strong urge to take up a riding crop and beat someone.

After a long silence, Shen Yu asked in a trembling voice, “Your Majesty… when did you know I was a woman?” The tremor was almost from anger.

Fang Rui was taken aback that Shen Yu would suddenly ask that. If he said he only learned five years later, the window would surely be fitted with three or four big locks by tomorrow. Thinking it over, he said something more believable, “Shortly before the first time I barged into your bath, Ah Yu.”

Shen Yu lowered her gaze and then asked, “Your Majesty, you say you liked me before you knew I was a woman. Was that true or false?”

“It’s true.” Fang Rui answered without hesitation.

Shen Yu kept her eyes lowered and the tremor in her voice had disappeared. She said calmly, “Then that painting album I saw in the Great Yuan Hall the last time… It’s not really about sumo, is it?”

Fang Rui didn’t want to talk about that.

“Ah Yu, let’s talk about when you can forgive me.”

Fang Rui’s obvious change of subject was a tacit admission that what Shen Yu saw last time really wasn’t sumo. After seeing the fire-avoidance charts, many things had become self-evident to Shen Yu. Thinking it over, she understood what was going on.

If Fang Rui knew he had brought this upon himself, he’d surely slap himself: such albums should have been shown to Shen Yu after marriage.

Shen Yu lifted her eyelids and looked at Fang Rui with a new, particular meaning in her eyes, as if she were looking at someone…abnormal.

She shifted her feet slightly to the left, then again. Once the table was no longer behind her, she quickly retreated to the doorway, watching Fang Rui warily and lowering her voice, “Your Majesty… I’m absolutely not afraid of you.”

Fang Rui raised an eyebrow. It was obvious she was very afraid of him…

“Ah Yu, what I’ve always cared about isn’t your gender but you as a person. If I didn’t care, I’d have used the Grand Guardian’s house to threaten you, to threaten you into entering the palace, threaten you to become mine. Why would I lower my status and masquerade as a thief to approach you?” Fang Rui lowered his voice too, like coaxing a child not to be afraid of him.

Shen Yu looked troubled and did not hide her truest thought, “I… am the young master of the Grand Guardian’s house, bound with the duty to continue the family line. It’s impossible for me to be with Your Majesty.”

Fang Rui’s gaze suddenly cooled and he said menacingly, “Continue the family line?! How will you continue it? Do you truly intend to listen to that old man and just have a child with any man?! I’d like to see which man dares throw away his life for that!”

Shen Yu shook her head repeatedly. “That’s how I thought at first, but in the end I thought I’d just pretend to accept my grandfather’s arrangement, pretend to conceive for ten months…” She suddenly lowered her head, feeling guilty. “I’ve also looked into it: in some places you’ll inevitably find orphans, so I thought I’d adopt an orphan as a son, deceive my grandfather, and after my grandfather dies a natural death, I’d tell the adopted son his true identity.”

Hearing Shen Yu, Fang Rui was stunned for a long while before asking, “Have you always thought this way?”

Shen Yu nodded. To be honest, she had the courage to order the executions of corrupt officials without blinking, but she truly lacked the courage to do intimate things with a stranger as depicted in those albums.

Fang Rui instantly felt as if a great stone in his heart had been lifted by Shen Yu’s words. His only worry had been that the Shen Yu of his previous life might have become another man’s woman after his death. Now that Shen Yu had revealed her plan to deal with the old master’s pressure, his worry was directly resolved.

A smile appeared in his eyes as he looked at Shen Yu and even his voice brightened. “Whether it’s possible, no one can say for sure. As for whether you’ll forgive me, that can take time. We have a lot of time. You should rest, the palace gates are about to close, I’ll come again tomorrow.” Saying that, Fang Rui didn’t turn his head. He continued looking at Shen Yu as he retreated to the window, smiling absentmindedly, when he suddenly turned and bang! Hit his head straight against the tightly closed window.

Shen Yu instantly covered her eyes… she truly felt the emperor she once knew must have been an imposter. How could she have been blind all these years to such a silly emperor…

“Young Master?!”

Because of the noise Fang Rui made, Cuizhi’s exclamation immediately came from outside the door.

Startled, Shen Yu hurriedly said, “I accidentally bumped into the window, it’s nothing.”

Fang Rui also dared not stay. Fearing discovery, he immediately opened the window and jumped out.

Hearing Shen Yu say she had hit the window, Cuizhi grew more anxious, “Young Master, did you hurt yourself?! Is it serious?!”

Shen Yu said, “It’s nothing serious, just a little bump. I need to rest, don’t disturb me.”

“Yes, Young Master.”

Shen Yu opened her hand and realized the bamboo slips were still there. The corners of her mouth involuntarily lifted. Days of gloom were swept away simply because Fang Rui had just bumped into the window.

After a breath, her eyes suddenly cleared.

The Emperor was Jia Ming, and Jia Ming was the Emperor. They were the same person: someone thick-skinned and shamelessly clingy toward her.

Upon reflection, Shen Yu thought the fact that the Emperor was Jia Ming wasn’t a bad thing. When she held office before, she was cautious, always afraid her identity would be exposed. After all, as the saying goes, paper can’t cover fire. Even if the paper were thick, it would only give the fire more to burn. She would be accused of deceiving the sovereign and her entire household would be sentenced to death for her crimes. It’s better like this: the Emperor already knew she was a woman and she needn’t live in constant fear.

Most importantly, the Emperor had other feelings toward her.

They say being with a ruler is like being with a tiger, but no one knows that if you win the tiger’s heart, even a fox can use the tiger’s might.

Shen Yu’s thoughts had never been so clear.

The honor and decline of the Grand Guardian’s house was the old master’s fate, not hers. She only wanted to protect everyone there, to keep those people safe.

If the Shen household had no heirs, the old master would die with regrets. But if she were trapped in this mansion for life for the sake of producing an heir, she would live with many regrets and resentment.

The only solution was to speak frankly to the old master. Otherwise things would only be delayed and the situation would worsen.

Now there was a chance to legitimately become her true self again, to revert to being a woman. She didn’t want to miss it or regret it. Otherwise, the identity of being the young master of the Grand Guardian’s house would follow her through life, aging, sickness, and perhaps even on her tombstone it would read that she was the eldest son of the Grand Guardian’s house.

Shen Yu’s mouth held a smile as she looked down at the five bamboo slips she had already opened. A bold idea formed in her heart.

She would revert to being a woman and enter the court as an official in that female identity, and the opportunity for that to happen was the Emperor.

If Fang Rui knew that Shen Yu’s lack of resistance to his approach was solely to regain her status as a woman in order to remain an official of the court and not to become empress, he would probably spit blood and ask himself: Is my charm really less important than an official’s rank?