Worthless, And Therefore Best Friends

“I can’t invite Nako-chan on an overnight date, Sabu.”

“You’re still gonna be saying the same thing a hundred years from now.”

I let out a deep sigh. Apparently, my dear asshole of a friend, Keiji Nitta, was being tossed around by the girlfriend he adored as usual.

“I wanna go on an overnight date…”

“Did you even manage a date at home in the first place?”

“Don’t underestimate me, you pathetic forever-alone loser.”

“I’m driving over to run you down. Meet me in five hours.”

From the sound of things, it seemed he had at least managed to invite her into his place. The sense of helplessness from having her come over and then nothing happening afterward was easy enough to imagine.

Having her come all the way to his house and still having nothing happen had to hurt…

Not that I felt sorry for him.

“You managed to kiss her in the end, so it’s probably just a matter of time.”

“You think…?”

“Why do you sound so hopeless every single time? Are you unstable or something?”

“You might not understand this, Sabu, but falling in love makes people unstable.”

“What a pain.”

“Don’t call it a pain! This is a major crisis for your best friend!”

“Yeah, yeah. A major crisis for my esteemed best friend.”

“What’s wrong, Sabu? Why aren’t you laughing…? I’m suffering this much, so why aren’t you laughing your ass off?”

“What the hell is your definition of a best friend?”

If he wouldn’t be satisfied unless his friend burst out laughing when he was in trouble, then something was seriously broken in his head. Even if you searched the entire world, I was probably the only person qualified for the job.

…Ugh.

“When my life is at its absolute worst, it’s your job to laugh at me!”

“I’m saying your life isn’t at its worst when you’ve got a girlfriend like Nako-san!”

“Heh heh.”

“Murderous… urges…”

Keiji laughed with an obviously bashful look on his face. Genuinely disgusting. That expression should be illegal.

“Well, you’re right. The fact I’m dating Nako-chan already means I’m winning at life. A victor. The ruler of the world.”

“I hope she dumps you as soon as possible and you fall into despair.”

If Keiji got dumped in his current state, I seriously wondered whether he would ever recover. I could easily picture him showing up at my house with alcohol and spending night after night drinking while crying.

When I lived alone, I could’ve just made him bring the booze and food himself… but I wasn’t living by myself anymore. In the end, it would actually be better for things to work out between him and Nako-san.

Why the hell did I have to wish for my best friend’s happiness? I missed our high school days, when we did everything in our power to sabotage each other.

Keiji laughed lightly and dropped the joking tone. In a voice somewhat more serious than before, he muttered,

“If Nako-chan dumped me, I might not be able to go on living.”

“Everyone says that while they’re still dating.”

“You think?”

“No matter how important someone is, if you break up, eventually you get used to it.”

I had accidentally said something sincere to Keiji, which wasn’t like me at all. We had an agreement that we only spoke seriously to each other during emergencies or while drinking.

Maybe sensing the gloomy mood, Keiji returned to his usual flippant voice. It was the overly casual tone he had picked up right after reinventing himself in college.

“Then I’ll do my best not to get dumped.”

“Knock yourself out. It gives me more satisfaction cursing you that way.”

“How’re things over there? Countryside treating you well?”

“Even if I were still there, I wouldn’t have money to go out anyway. If anything, there might actually be more to do here.”

In places with just enough stuff around, almost anything you did cost money. This village, on the other hand, had nature even if it didn’t have much else.

Since I liked driving and walking and didn’t have money to spend on entertainment, maybe this place suited me better.

“What are you doing over summer break, Keiji?”

“Working, working, working, and working. All so Nako-chan and I can take our dream trip together, and so I can buy her a ring someday.”

“Gross. What are you, a middle schooler?”

“What’s wrong with having an innocent view of romance?!”

“I bet you give her heart-shaped necklaces and stuff.”

“How did you know?!”

“Guys like you hand out hearts immediately. It’s written in introductory biology textbooks.”

“So it’s an instinctive behavior…”

Keiji was stunned by this shocking revelation, but quickly recovered and cleared his throat.

“Nako-chan is cute, so hearts suit her. That’s the only reason I buy them!”

“…Ghk.”

I, a hideous monster, took damage from the holy radiance emitted by someone in a happy relationship. The only saving grace was that I didn’t cough up blood.

Clutching my side where the pain had struck, I somehow managed to get a proper grip on my phone again.

“Besides, Sabu, you’ve got Yūha-chan.”

“Don’t compare her to what Nako-san is to you.”

“Isn’t being a siscon kinda like having a girlfriend?”

“Have you read so much porn manga that your brain rotted?”

“So it’s different, huh.”

Keiji said something utterly nonsensical without a care in the world, while I let out another deep sigh.

“If it were that simple, I wouldn’t be struggling this much.”

Even patting her head once was a struggle.

I had tried because she told me I could, only for it to turn into another weird situation. It made me wonder what the hell I was even doing.

That was just how younger sisters were. Probably. Was it? I had a feeling my case was pretty unusual, but either way, it wasn’t what Keiji was talking about.

“So, Sabu, do you still want a girlfriend?”

“My yearning for a sexy older woman is eternal.”

“For people like you, there are dating apps.”

“I don’t use it anymore. My paid membership expired too.”

“So you never caught anything in the end. Tough luck, lol.”

“…………”

There was no way in hell I could let it slip that I had technically caught Yūha, so I just pretended to be frustrated. Please. I had gotten over that wound ages ago.

The app, now useless since I couldn’t exchange messages anymore, still sat in a corner of my phone.

I regretted the money I had spent, but those stupid exchanges with Yūha had become good memories. I felt nostalgic for the days when I owned five different kinds of olive oil.

“Well, maybe what you need isn’t a girlfriend in the first place, Sabu.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing deep. Anyway, I’m hanging up. It’s time for my phone call with Nako-chan.”

“Yeah, yeah. Later.”

The call ended, and silence returned.

I had been talking in a corner of the garden because if I called from my room, Yūha would be able to hear every word.

I hadn’t expected to gain anything from talking to Keiji, and I hadn’t. Yet strangely enough, I still felt a little lighter afterward.

Even the awkward atmosphere with Yūha felt like something I could somehow work through if I tried.

I yawned softly as a lukewarm night breeze passed by. Above me were the moon and countless stars.

—Spending an entire summer somewhere with beautiful stars sounds like a dream.

I pressed a hand to my forehead and thought for a moment.

“Maybe I’ll invite her.”