My Childhood Friend And The Naked Heart

According to my childhood friend, “Sometimes I catch myself wondering whether me getting in the bath with everyone the way I am now really counts as mixed bathing or not, y’know,” apparently.

Well, I mean, even supposing she really does carry a man’s memories from a past life, those live only inside her own head. And if her gender now is female, then personally I don’t think it counts as mixed bathing anymore.

And that childhood friend of mine, the one weighed down by such one-of-a-kind worries, Sakura Ayuri…

— Shaaaa…

I stand under a warm shower, wetting myself head to toe. With the two of us bathing together, one of us has to hurry up, rinse off, and climb into the tub first.

— Bam.

Here she comes.

The changing-room door opens and shuts, the sound reaching my ears. She must have brought along whatever “good thing” she’d been raving about.

I did bring a towel in to wrap around myself, just in case, though who knows how this’ll go.

— Shff…

Faintly, I catch the rustle of cloth as she undresses too. Not a trace of hesitation in it; she must be awfully sure of whatever she’s scheming.

“Coming in~, Gin!”
“Yeah, sure—… huh?”

I turn toward the bathroom door flung open behind me.

Standing there was a stripped-down Ayu… well, stripped down she was, but standing she was not. There was Ayu, down on all fours like an infant.

“Whoa-whoa… even crawling, this is honestly kinda scary, huh.”
“Well, obviously it’s dangerous going in wearing something like that.”

What really deserves mention is Ayu’s eyes… for some reason she’d come in blindfolded, wearing the sleep mask she uses at night. By any measure it was far too dangerous, not something anyone should have on in a bathroom.

“Ah, so you’re over there, Gin!”
“Gah, idiot! Don’t come over here!”

Ayu crawls closer across the tiled floor. Between the danger and the sheer sight of it, it’s quite the little horror show.

“Stop! …Here, I’ll take your hand, so settle down.”

I take her hand and sit her down on the mat. Even Ayu grasps the danger, apparently; she does as I say and plops down primly.

…Now then. What to do.

“Gin, where’s the shower~?”
“Ah, idiot! Don’t reach out, you’ll hit me!”
“S-sorry.”

I’d said it was fine as long as she didn’t stare, but being pawed at is honestly a bit much. Nothing for it, then. I’ll just hurry, get her washed, toss her in the tub, and do myself after.

“I’m pouring water, tip your head back.”
“Mm…”
“Hold out your hand, I’ll give you some shampoo.”
“Okay.”
“I’ll wash your back while you’re at it.”
“…You’re being awfully attentive.”
“If you don’t hurry up and get in the tub, I can’t wash myself. And you’re so wobbly I can’t stand to watch.”
“Izzat so.”

I scrub Ayu’s back with a lathered-up body towel while she washes her hair… and whether it’s thanks to coaching from Hina or our senior, or her own upkeep, her back is smooth under my hand, pleasant to the touch. Pretty.

…

“…Hey, Gin.”
“What.”
“I appreciate it, but you’re scrubbing my back too much. Instead, could you hold my blindfold while I wash my hair? It’s kind of in the way and hard to wash…”
“Then just take it off from the start.”
“But then I’d see!”
“That’s not a line for the one who’d be doing the looking… Here!”

I catch myself staring a beat too long at her back, and snatch the blindfold away to break the spell.

Robbed of it with no warning, Ayu squeezed her eyes shut and yelped, “Wagh! Don’t just yank it off like that!”… It’s not that I want her to look, but being this thoroughly not-looked-at kind of stings.

◆◆◆

“Phew… this is a good soak~”
“Why are you facing away?”
“’Cause like this I can see just a teeny bit down by my feet…”

One way or another, washed up at last, the two of us are soaking in the tub together. Roomy as the tub at Hina’s place is, though, Ayu isn’t getting much of a soak. She’s off in the corner, turned to the side and leaning forward besides, all so I won’t come into her line of sight.

“…Ayu, could you face the other way for a sec?”
“The opposite side from you, Gin? Sure.”

Ayu turns her back to me as I asked, and then…

“Heave-ho.”
“Whoa!”

I grab her by the shoulders and pull her toward me. Caught completely off guard, Ayu topples backward against me with a great splash of water, and I gather her in, folding her almost entirely into my arms.

“G-G-Gin?! What’s the big—?!”
“You’ve at least got to soak to your waist. This way you can stretch your legs out without minding me, right?”
“…U-um… against my back, there’s…”
“Don’t put your mind there, you perv.”
“Y-yes’m… sorry…”

It’s not as though my chest is anything to speak of, not like Hina’s or our senior’s, and even pressed against her back it’s hardly worth getting worked up over. It’s just…

If she realized I’m doing this with my heart pounding like mad, it’d look like I’m the perv doing it on purpose.

If the state of my heart right now ever got out, Ayu would probably get the wrong idea. So, to keep her attention off my chest, I snapped at her like that.

…It’s not like I mean anything by it.

Naturally, it’s not as though I’m pressing myself against her because I want to.

If, out of everyone here tonight, Ayu alone went and caught a summer cold, the cause would be this bath, the one where she never got to soak properly. From the outside it’d look like nothing but the two of us getting up to something weird in here… well, granted, Ayu actually is doing something weird.

If that happened… yeah, I’d hate it.

More than that, Ayu catching a cold because she was busy being considerate of me is the one thing I absolutely won’t stand for.

Normally I’d have eased her into the water more smoothly than that, but with all the fuss just now, it seems I’m not entirely level-headed myself. In my right mind, I’d never in a hundred years hug her naked like this.

“…What’s wrong, Gin, hugging me like this… Did something happen that made you feel lonely?”
“…It’s not like that or anything.”

In the end, maybe pulling her into the hug was the misstep. Whether or not she caught my heartbeat, it seems I’ve gone and made her misunderstand something. I can’t see her face, but the question came gently, like a soft nudge.

Ah… but, yeah, true.

I’d denied it out loud, but now that she’d said it, it wasn’t as if I had no idea what she meant. Ever since that fireworks festival, I’d caught myself thinking that maybe, someday, Ayu too might find someone special. In that sense, maybe I really was lonely somewhere, deep down.

“…Maybe there was, a little.”
“Like what?”
“Absolutely not telling.”
“Ehh~? Tell me~”
“…”

Ayu tips her head back against me, leaning in, and peers up at my face. She’s blindfolded; she shouldn’t be able to see a thing. And yet I feel her gaze pierce me straight through the mask, and my heart leaps.

“…”
“I mean, I won’t force you or anything…”
“Ayu, you…”
“…Hm?”

Ah, whatever. Ayu’s blindfolded anyway; she can’t see my face.

“…Isn’t there… anyone you like?”

And so, since she can’t see whatever pathetic face I’m making, I let this mouth that’s opened on its own go ahead and ask… or that’s how it went, and I ended up blurting it out on impulse.

“Someone I like… I love everybody, you know?”
“Not like that. I’m asking whether there’s anyone you’d want to go out with.”
“…Why?”
“…The other day, Kengo confessed to you and you turned him down, right? So I figured… if your past life was a man’s, maybe you’re more into girls.”

The instant it was out, I regretted asking on impulse. Because this was cheating.

Long ago, Ayu made me a promise: “I’ll never lie about anything to do with my past life.” So even though, back then, I’d told her “you know, it’s fine to lie,” she’d still give me an answer, probably, after agonizing over it seriously. Even a question this delicate, one that cuts deeper than the whole reincarnation business… yeah, probably even that.

“…I’m sorry, Gin.”
“…Why are you apologizing?”
“That, even I don’t know. So, I’m sorry. I promised I wouldn’t lie, but… when I don’t know, there’s just nothing I can do about it.”

Ayu answers with her head bowed. It has to be guilt, because she tried to answer honestly and couldn’t. Even though the one at fault is me, for asking in such a cheating way.

“…Sorry.”

Before I knew it, I’d tightened the arms holding her. Because through the feel of her against them, I felt like I could truly know that Ayu is still within reach.

“Wawah, I thought you were being a fusspot, and now you’re a clingy little baby, huh.”
“Oh, hush.”

Ah, this is bad. The moment I let myself ease up even a little, telling myself it doesn’t matter what face I make since she can’t see it, I just get more and more pathetic.

This is nothing like the “cool, pretty lady” Ayu once told me I’d become.

“…I see. So you thought that if I got someone I liked, I’d wander off somewhere, Gin.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Then I’ll just decide that’s what it is and say so all on my own, ‘kay? …It’s okay.”

Ayu slips free of my feeble hold… and then, the very instant I felt a pang of loneliness at her pulling away, she hugged me back, wrapping me up.

“…What’s this, all of a sudden.”
“It’s okay. Sure, I can’t say we’ll be together our whole lives, and there’s the future and everything, so we might end up apart once college comes… but at least while we’re in high school, we’re together.”
“Don’t just decide that on your own.”
“Nope, I’m deciding on my own. …I’m selfish, y’know, so if anything, I’m the one who wants to be with you, Gin.”
“…Isn’t that way too high-handed?”
“Yep. I’m selfish, and sneaky, and a hopelessly high-handed person. So if you really, truly can’t stand it, Gin, tell me straight out, okay? If it comes to that… I’ll be the one to pull away from you, properly.”

…It honestly gets to me. Every single time I let her see a pathetic side of me like this, Ayu goes and makes some strange new vow to me, all on her own. “I won’t lie about my past life.” This time it’s “we’ll be together the whole time we’re in high school.” And “if I ever truly come to hate it, Ayu will be the one to leave.” Every one of them was a vow she made out of consideration for me after I let some pathetic side of myself show, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that each one was proof of what a pathetic existence I am.

“…Let go.”
“You okay now?”
“I never asked you to do this in the first place.”

Because if I keep doing things like this, I’ll never become that “cool, pretty lady.” I’ll never become the kind of person Ayu could feel at ease with, someone she’d let draw close to her heart, someone she’d no longer need to make strange vows for. So I can’t keep leaning on her like this forever.

“…Then maybe I’ll head out first. What’ll you do, Gin?”
“…I’ll stay in a bit longer. I want to stretch my legs out and take it easy…”
“Okay, then soak nice and slow.”
“…Hey.”
“What?”

Ayu turns toward me and tilts her head. Her eyes are still hidden behind the blindfold, so I can’t see them, but… she’s probably wearing that same tender, cherishing look.

“The blindfold — it’s dangerous, so make sure you take it off before you climb out of the tub… And besides, if you’d keep from looking my way until you’re back in the changing room, that’d… help me out.”
“Okay. And you, Gin, don’t go getting dizzy or dozing off in there, all right?”
“I’m not you, so I won’t do anything like that.”

To my cheeky reply she gave back an “Ahaha… true. Well then, take your time,” in her usual tone, and climbed out of the tub. She’d already taken the blindfold off, and I gazed steadily at that small back, the one that wouldn’t be turning to look at me again.

“Haahh…”

A soft clack, the sound of Ayu leaving the bathroom, echoed through the room, and with it a deep sigh escaped me.

Right up until we climbed into the tub together, everything had been normal. And yet…

The instant I truly felt Ayu was close enough to touch, the instant I felt her gaze pierce me through the blindfold, my mouth opened of its own accord. My head gave the go-ahead to blurt it out, and before I knew it, I’d put such a sorry sight on display…

“…”

…and I’d ended up wrapped in Ayu’s arms.

“Really, what am I even trying to do…”

The “cool, pretty lady” Ayu once told me I’d surely grow into. The “me who understands her loneliness, even a little, and stays close to her” that I one day swore I’d become. I won’t pretend my everyday self manages to be either of those, but at the very least, the me from a moment ago was worlds away from both. If anything, I think Ayu was the one being that.

At this rate, I’ve got no right to laugh at Hina…

Hina had come completely undone at that fireworks festival, and there I’d been, chiding her with a face that said “what’s the big deal, really.” But right after that, Kengo laid his own feelings bare to Ayu.

If, just as senior Hotaru hoped, this lets Ayu come to recognize her own worth, and someday she grows able to accept someone’s “like”… then surely, the “me who stays close to her loneliness” won’t be needed anymore.

I’ve no intention of saying Kengo did anything wrong. I don’t know why he confessed even after everyone tried to stop him, but even so, being able to lay your own “like” bare head-on like that is surely an incredible thing.

And me, by contrast…

Really… I’m pathetic, and way too uncool.

In the end, I came apart even worse than Hina. Clinging to the very friend I’d wished to be a rescue for, making her make strange promises, getting saved myself. Without a doubt, it was the moment I’ve felt the most uncool about myself in my whole life so far.

Even though surely the “me who stays close to her loneliness” is better off no longer being needed at all.

Am I already getting lightheaded, I wonder.

That has to be it. Even at night, in the dead heat of midsummer like this, thrown off my rhythm by Ayu pulling something as bizarre as bathing blindfolded, I’d probably been running a fever without even noticing.

In a little while, I’ll cool my head off and get out.

A cold shower over my head should bring me back to my usual self, at least a little. Or rather, it had better, or I’m in trouble.

Until I heard the sound of Ayu leaving the changing room, I sat there spacing out in a tub far bigger than the one back home.