My Childhood Friend And The Study Session

According to my childhood friend, “Thinking studying like this won’t do you any good down the line! That it’s all pointless! …slack off on logic like that and you’ll live to regret it. Better to knuckle down and do it properly, if only to build yourself a head that can actually think,” apparently.

Looking back on it now, that line carried an awful lot of hard-won conviction.

Now, as for that childhood friend of mine who so passionately preaches the importance of hitting the books while you’re still a student, drawing (or so it seems) on her past-life experience, one Sakura Ayuri…

“I don’t geeet iiit!”
“You can do it, Ayu~ come on, fai-oh!”
“…Aren’t you just adorable, Hina.”

Today the three of us are holding a study session at Hina’s place to prep for midterms: me, Ayu, and our other childhood friend, Momozono Hina. Mostly, that means Hina and me teaching Ayu.

“So which part don’t you get~?”
“Japanese history, all of it!”
“You have got to be kidding me.”

She’d have covered at least some of this back in elementary and middle school, so how does she wind up here? To an outsider, she’d look like the very picture of an idiot.

“Well, it can’t be helped! Old people’s names and systems and dates are just hard to remember! Right~?”
“Right~?”
“Don’t get all shameless about it. And Hina, no coddling her.”

I mean, Hina manages just fine, so she really shouldn’t be agreeing with her there.

And so, for someone who privately swears to me she’s a reincarnator, Ayu is a fair bit of a dunce. If this is her second go at life, then just how bad was the first one?

“Well, joking aside, Gin’s got a point~? Let’s buckle down and memorize it, hm?”
“Ehh? Isn’t there some easier way to remember it all?”
“Hmm~… like just reading and writing it over and over?”
“The three of us finally got together and that’s so plain and boring!”
“Don’t go looking for flash in studying.”

Studying, training, whatever it is, it’s all a pile-up of unglamorous grind, and she of all people ought to know that better than I do. Besides, sitting through lectures at school is about as unglamorous as this anyway.

“But three cute high-school girls in the flower of youth are all gathered together, you know? You’d think there’d be more of a ‘I just don’t get what the author was feeeling here,’ or ‘I don’t get this formulaaa,’ or ‘this grammar’s got meee’—all giggly and teaching each other, right!”

“That cutesy wheedling voice is gross.”
“Ayu, is there anything in Japanese lit or math you don’t get?”
“…Well, for those I’ve still got some momentum left over from entrance-exam cramming, so I manage… also, did Gin just casually slip in something kind of awful?”
“You imagined it.”

Beside the point, but the way she says ‘I can’t tell what the author was feeling’ makes her sound like one of those creepy characters who can’t read other people’s emotions.

Anyway, dumb Ayu aside, the midterms are bearing down on all three of us the same. If I’m going to post a score, I’d rather it be a high one, and for the very first test of high school, beating Hina wouldn’t be a bad thing to aim for. So I decide to handle this idiot on the side and turn my attention to my own studying.

“Ayu, Ayu, teaching each other isn’t the only thing a study session’s for, you know?”
“Ohh, meaning?”
“Look at Gin? Normally Gin would’ve knocked off somewhere and be messing around on her phone, but right now she’s actually being diligent, right? Why do you think that is?”
“Umm… because we’re all doing it together?”
“Exactly~ By checking in on each other studying, we get to keep our motivation up and keep watch that nobody’s slacking~”
“Oh! Mutual surveillance… that’s the whole Five-Household Group thing, right!”
“Right, right, something like that~”

For “mutual” surveillance, aren’t I the only one actually studying right now? Aren’t I the only one being watched here, with nobody watching me back?

Well, my secret goal for this test is to beat Hina, so if the all-important Hina herself is busy chatting away with Ayu, that only works in my favor.

“Still, it’s a shame Sumire couldn’t make it too.”
“She had some family thing to take care of, apparently~ To make up for it, let’s plan a day out, all four of us sometime, hm?”
“Sounds good — once the test’s over, let’s think it up together with Sumire.”

These two got together to study for the test, didn’t they? Hina’s a natural at it, so fine, whatever, but Ayu shouldn’t have the spare capacity to be indulging in idle chatter.

“Oh yeah, Hina, did you change your aroma oil? The last one was nice, but this one’s nice too.”
“Oh, you can tell? I found it at a shop the other day and thought it seemed like something you’d like too, Ayu, so~”
“Mm-hm, mm-hm, this kind of gentle scent is just lovely~”

“…Hey, you two.”
“Hm~? What’s up, Gin?”

When I looked up at them, the two of them were, technically, studying. At some point I had heard something like the scratch of writing, and sure enough, their hands had been moving. But…

“Hina’s… studying English, huh. Impressive you can pull that off while yakking away.”
“Ehehe~ well, when I do it while talking I slip up now and then, so I know it’s not ideal~”
“You can just go back over that, and you’d fix it no problem, Hina. And as for Ayu…”
“Wh-what?”
“…What is this? You’re just writing out great figures’ names and the names of events over and over.”
“I-it counts as studying, doesn’t it? Hina said so earlier too.”

It’s not that it doesn’t count. But done while chattering away like that, it probably doesn’t count for much.

The way I see it, a history class is about learning the events of the past, about grasping what buildup of things led to the present age and shaped the society we live in. Which is to say…

“Ayu.”
“…What?”
“This is less studying history than it is studying kanji, isn’t it?”

Studying history has to be about summarizing the key points and committing them to memory.

For Ayu, who has trouble remembering names in the first place, maybe it wasn’t a total waste. But if that’s all she can manage while chattering away, then at the very least she ought to knuckle down and focus.

“Don’t do it while talking — actually focus and memorize the events and the dates too. Like this, it’s not history you’re studying, it’s Japanese lit.”
“…Nnngh.”

While I was busy lightly lecturing Ayu, Hina had at some point quietly settled into her own studying.

◆◆◆

“…Let’s take a little break, hm? I’ll go grab us some drinks~”
“Hold on a sec… pwaah! Yes, please!”
“Mind getting one for me too?”
“Sure~ I’ll brew some black tea this time~”

— Ka-chak.

“Ughhh~”
“Isn’t it a bit early to be slacking off?”

The instant Hina left the room, Ayu went limp and flopped down onto the floor. She’s the same in my room, but seriously, how does this girl get this relaxed in someone else’s place?

“Come on, that was me working hard, by my standards? I was quiet, wasn’t I?”
“Well, true… but you’re the one, Ayu, who once said something like, ‘even if it’s not directly useful in the future, it still means something, so let’s work hard at studying.’”
“I did say that… but it’s history, y’know? As long as you’ve got the general flow, do the fine little names really matter?”
“They matter, which is why they teach them.”
“I mean, that’s true, but… still, you know…”

Surprisingly, Ayu’s always been the type who, when push comes to shove, gets things done one way or another. And her refusal to warm up to certain subjects, history especially, has been every bit as consistent for as long as I’ve known her.

“You know why, don’t you, Gin? The reason I hate studying history.”

Right. The reason only I know. Which, at its root, ties back to Ayu’s past life.

As she tells it: ‘the world of Ayu’s past life and the world of this one are subtly different’… apparently. Mostly the same, but place names, the names of historical figures, and so on are sometimes just slightly off, and it throws her into confusion. Or something to that effect.

“It’s not like remembering the old version does me any good anyway, so I know I ought to study it from scratch — but so much of it overlaps that the two just can’t help getting tangled up in my head.”
“Wouldn’t it be better to just forget it entirely?”
“Hmm…”

Silence. For all that she usually plays the fool, Ayu turns serious the moment a topic brushes up against her past life, and this quiet was exactly that.

It’s surely because Ayu once promised me she’d ‘never lie about anything to do with her past life.’ Back then I’d told her she didn’t have to say what she didn’t want to, that it was fine even to lie. But because the question brushes up against that old promise, she takes it seriously anyway.

“No, I don’t think I could. If something’s tied to a memory, no matter what it is, I want to forget it as little as I possibly can.”

Her answer was no.

No matter how much her past life had tormented her, even if someday just holding onto those memories became nothing but pain, the one thing she absolutely never wanted was to throw them away. So Ayu had told me, once upon a time.

So this was an answer I’d more or less seen coming. And yet…

“…I see. Then quit throwing a fit and get to studying, don’t you think?”
“…You’re right. Okay! I’ll push myself at least a little before Hina gets back!”

It’s in moments like this, when she lets slip an expression or a thought she shows no one else, that it really hits me: Ayu is a reincarnator, someone who carries the memories of a past life.

A little. Just a little, really, but I feel like there’s some utterly unbridgeable gap between Ayu and me… a wall, maybe… something like a distance between our hearts.

And every time I picture that distance, a loneliness settles into me all over again, just a little, really only a little, like a gust of wind blowing through my chest.

◆◆◆

“Oh, welcome back, Gin~”
“Welcome back~”
“…What are you two even doing?”

It’s about time we wrapped up this study session.

After Hina came back with the tea and we studied a while longer, that end-of-session sort of mood started to settle in, so before we got ready to head home, I ducked off to borrow the bathroom. But what greeted me on the way back was the sight of Hina stretched out flat with her head pillowed on Ayu’s lap. No, seriously, what are they doing.

“Wanna come too, Gin? It’s fine~ come on over~”
“No fair, Ayu, your lap belongs to me right now.”
“What is this.”

Just what am I being made to look at here? Weren’t Ayu and I in the middle of a slightly bitter little conversation a moment ago? And now, barely any time later, here I am being treated to the sight of Hina snuggling up to Ayu, and I’m left with nowhere to put my feelings.

Not that I’m jealous or anything, not in the slightest. And besides, Hina doesn’t know about that conversation, let alone about Ayu’s past life, so there’s nothing to be done about it.

“Ayu~ do the usual~”
“Huh… u-um, okay…”
“Stop it. Quit sneaking glances over here.”

Coaxed by Hina, Ayu strokes her head while offering up the lap pillow. She’d said ‘the usual,’ but this was the first time I’d seen the two of them do anything like this, so they’ve probably been at it whenever they hang out, just the two of them.

And judging by the way Ayu keeps shooting me pleading looks, that invitation to come join just now might have been less a joke and more a genuine cry for help.

“Heh-heh~ you’re jealous, aren’t you, Gin~?”
“No, not in the least.”
“Gin, help~ I can’t move~”
“Why don’t we just make it a sleepover? Tomorrow’s a day off, and it’s more fun with everyone together~”
“No, I haven’t brought anything for that.”

Maybe I should just abandon Ayu here and head home… but if I do leave her, and by some slim chance it reaches our senior Hotaru’s ears…

(Ayu complains at me → Hotaru, having caught wind of it somewhere, gets jealous and forces a sleepover of her own → and this time I genuinely can’t save her, so Ayu complains at me all over again.)

Ugh, that’d be a total pain, guaranteed. I’d catch Ayu’s complaints and sulky griping twice over, once for leaving her and once for failing to save her. I can already see it coming, and it’s a genuine pain.

A sleepover’s no big deal, as far as I’m concerned. But according to Ayu herself, it’s a case of ‘it feels like I’m deceiving everyone, so I hold back, and the guilt is intense,’ apparently. Was this girl seriously a grown man in her past life?

“…Actually, you know what, maybe I’ll get one too. A lap pillow.”
“Ehhh~”
“Mm-hm, mm-hm, good idea — it might be a bit cramped since I’ve only got the two legs, so you’ll just have to bear with that.”

Well, if I take Ayu up on that invite of hers, the whole thing will just dissolve into chaos and break up. Sorry to Hina, who looks put out, but that sort of thing I’d rather she save for when I’m not around.

“Or what do you want to do? It’s late, so maybe another time when we’ve got the—”
“Hmm… oh, I know!”

Seizing the opening, Ayu’s angling to call it here and head home. But Hina, looking like she’s just hit on a brilliant idea, is flat-out ignoring her. A little sad, really.

“Upsy-daisy.”

Hina, having apparently landed on her clever idea, sat straight up off the lap pillow, shoved aside the little table we’d been studying at, and promptly lay back down on Ayu’s lap. The whole thing took maybe a dozen seconds, and Ayu, caught flat-footed, hadn’t managed to escape.

“…Okay, so, Gin, could you face that way and sit down right there?”
“? …Sure, I guess, but— whoa!”
“One guest, riiight this way~”

The instant I registered that my shoulders had been grabbed, my view spun dizzily. I’d apparently been hauled down into a sort of collapse onto the floor, but my head never hit it. Something soft caught it instead.

“…What are you doing, Hina.”
“Ayu’s lap is reserved just for me right now, so you, Gin, get shown to my lap~ …And Ayu, stay seated and turn your back that way~”
“Huh, u-uh, okay.”

With my head still resting on her lap, Hina propped her upper body up and started giving Ayu directions. If this is what makes her happy, I’ll just watch, I figured, and I was eyeing the whole thing sidelong. But the moment the back of Ayu’s head swung into view, I caught on to what Hina was scheming.

“All right then, Ayu, lie down and rest your head on Gin’s lap.”
“Huh… can I really?”
“…Sure, fine.”

If it keeps Hina happy and, in a roundabout way, spares me a future full of Ayu’s complaints, it’s a cheap price to pay.

After mulling it over for a moment, Ayu timidly lowers her head onto my lap where I lie. Unlike Hina and the rest, I’m going along with this fully aware of Ayu’s secret, so there’s no real deception involved on my end at all.

“Compleeete~ I hereby dub it the ‘Lap-Pillow Triangle’~”
“…Seriously, what even is this.”
“Who knows…”

The three of us, pillowing each other’s heads in a triangle in the middle of Hina’s room. Ayu and I are nothing but bewildered, but the mastermind Hina looks thoroughly satisfied, so I suppose this is fine.

Before long, complaints started surfacing: ‘even looking up, all I see is the same old ceiling, so it’s kind of underwhelming,’ ‘this isn’t relaxing in the first place,’ ‘I want to go home and play games.’ And so the Lap-Pillow Triangle came to be dismantled in under ten minutes.