My Childhood Friend And The Illuminations

According to my childhood friend, “there’s a certain loneliness to the aftermath of a festival,” apparently.

Though, well… Christmas Eve is the night before the Nativity Festival, so today isn’t so much the aftermath of a festival as the eve of one. Just a moment ago, my childhood friend, one Sakura Ayuri, had said as much to Hina as she lingered over the goodbye. And as for what Ayu was up to now…

“Bye-byeee!”
“See ya.”

For all the shrieking and racket, the Christmas party had been fun in the end, and now it was over. Hina and Sumire-san’s parents were coming to collect them, so we walked the two of them to the station, and with that, today’s gathering broke up.

The meat I’d been given as a birthday present, incidentally, I’d dropped off at my place as we passed it.

“…”
“Well, guess we head home, then… Ayu?”
“Ah, yeah, right.”

Just as I turned on my heel to head home, Ayu didn’t follow. When I looked back, she seemed to be gazing at the illuminations, the ones the four of us had strolled around looking at until moments ago.

“…Wanna take another look?”
“…That okay?”
“Sure. It’s not like we get the chance to see them all that often.”
“Then… maybe I will.”

It’s a small-scale thing anyway, next to the real, full-blown displays. And with fewer of us now, a second lap wouldn’t take long to walk.

◆◆◆

“So pretty…”
“Yeah.”
“You’re way prettier, though, Gin-chan…”
“Gross — don’t say it with that grin on your face.”
“Aww.”

The two of us walk along the avenue, its roadside trees lit up in a base of whites and blues, taking it in as we go. It comes right on the heels of the walk-through we just did, but sure enough, pretty things are pretty. Still, next to the real deal at a proper venue, it’s a touch underwhelming, I’ll admit.

“Nice…”
“…Hey, Ayu.”
“Hmm?”
“Back in the winter of our second year of middle school, we all went to see a way more legit one, remember? Compared to that, don’t you think this one’s kinda dinky?”
“…”
“Ayu?”

At my question, Ayu abruptly turned her face away. Honestly, I hadn’t expected that kind of reaction, and it left me a little taken aback.

“…This is something a certain someone told me over summer break.”
“Uh-huh.”

Without letting me see her face, Ayu walked on ahead. My eyes fixed on her back, I followed.

“‘If it’s pretty, that’s enough’… It might be a bit apart from the meaning that person put into it, but… the fact that I can still get lost in this one, even having seen something greater before… that’s surely what it comes down to, I think.”
“…I see.”

…Well, that’s a hell of a line for someone to come out with. I honestly don’t know what to make of it.

◆◆◆

Compared to when there were four of us, the two of us walk the winter road at a lighter clip. Now and then Ayu stops to snap the lit-up trees from every angle, but even so, next to when the four of us were taking selfies, we’re making brisk progress.

“Whoa there… Gin-chan, this way, this way.”
“Hm? Why?”
“Just come on… here, this way.”

Ayu, walking ahead, suddenly stopped, then grabbed my hand and set off, pointedly steering us on a detour around our original route.

(…Ah, so that’s it.)

As Ayu tugged me along, I glanced back at the path we’d been about to take, and it clicked. …There, plain as anything, two figures stood with their silhouettes overlapping. They were clearly wrapped in an embrace, and… it even looked like they were… kissing.

“Phew… that was close…”
“You could’ve just walked right on past them, you know.”
“No way. Those two are probably having a really happy moment right now… no need to go butting in over nothing.”
“Happy, huh.”

It’s not exactly something I’m keen to admit myself, but for someone like me, who’s never so much as been in a relationship, who’s never had anyone she liked, never once fallen for anybody, it’s all a bit beyond me.

“You don’t have one, Gin-chan? Someone you like.”

Been a while since this question came up, I caught myself thinking. For as long as I can remember, from before I even knew Ayu’s secret, she’s periodically lobbed this kind of question at the people close to her. Hina and Hotaru-senpai brush it off with an “Aww, I like you, Ayu-chan~” and the like, but me, I don’t want to point at any one person and say I like them, not even as a joke.

“It’s not like I have one.”
“Reeeally~? You’re not just too embarrassed to say? It’s fine, y’know~? You don’t have to give a name or a hint or anything — just answering whether there is one or not is plenty.”
“You’re relentless…”
“But romance is, like, the marquee event of being a high schooler, y’know? Not falling in love would be such a waste! …Probably.”

The moment a “probably” slips out, it’s clearly not worth much. She’s apparently never done it herself, so why is she pushing it on everyone else?

“Besides, these days that sort of thing counts as harassment, doesn’t it?”
“Ngh, true… sorry.”
“…Fine, then. Answer my question and I’ll let it slide.”
“What is it?”

I’m the one who started this, but the instant the words were out, I regretted them. Because the question I’m about to ask is the very one I blurted out on impulse during the summer sleepover, the one I ended up regretting in more ways than one. I really don’t learn, do I… I wanted to punch the me of a few seconds ago, but regret or no regret, Ayu was waiting on my words.

“…So what about you, Ayu — still no one you like?”
“Ahh…”

I said it. I actually said it.

Ayu mulls over my question, looking troubled. Maybe because she’s grilled everyone else about it so relentlessly, she feels she has to answer seriously. Unlike that time, this question has nothing to do with her past life, so there’s no need for her to dredge up a different answer.

“…Hmm, sorry, turns out I don’t have one either.”
“…I see.”

“Guess that makes us even,” Ayu says with a laugh.

Well, if there’s no one, there’s no one… probably no need to force romance these days, anyway… I’m sure.

“…Actually, Ayu, you’ve been asking that kind of question forever — how come?”
“That kind, meaning?”
“‘Don’t you have anyone you like,’ ‘isn’t there anyone you’re interested in’ — like you want us to fall in love.”
“Hmm… well, that’s…”

I swallow the words before they can leave my mouth. Even though you’ve never done it yourself, and never even try to… Pushing on others the very thing you avoid yourself is pretty unreasonable, after all.

“You remember how I told you my past life had a little sister?”
“I remember.”
“Well, at some point, that girl apparently got herself someone she liked.”
“Huh.”

Lit by the decorative lights, Ayu speaks with a distant, wistful look. Maybe, through this glow, she’s calling back some illumination she saw in her past life.

“That girl… it was around the upper grades of elementary school, I think — she came and told me she had someone she liked. Me at the time… honestly, I barely had any friends of the same sex, so I couldn’t give her any decent advice, but…”
“Same sex aside — did you even have any friends to begin with?”
“Oh, hush.”

Her strides shorten, her pace dropping, as though reluctant to let go of this time spent talking amid the pretty glow.

“After that, that girl worked hard to make her love bloom. She really threw herself into dressing up, when she’d only ever half-bothered before, tried to widen the range of her hobbies — all sorts of things.”
“Huh.”
“All I could do was watch her at it, but… even from the sidelines it looked like fun, and more than anything, I thought the sight of her giving it her all was a wonderful thing.”

“A woman in love is a beautiful thing.” There was an old song that went something like that, I think. Ayu, surely, felt the truth of it in her past life. And that’s exactly why, in this life, she wants to see it, nudging the people around her toward it, ever so subtly… is that how it is, I wonder.

“…Alright, decided!”
“Decided what?”
“My birthday present to you this year, Gin-chan — the one from me!”
“I already got the meat, though.”
“I can give you one from me personally, can’t I? Well, ‘give’ might not be quite the right word, but…”
“Haah.”

Given how it got decided, mid-flow like that, it’s probably something rotten for me. Still, nothing gets started until I hear it out.

“By your next birthday, I’ll do my best to get you a special someone, Gin-chan! Let’s call THAT my personal birthday present to you!”
“…Huh?”

What is this girl even saying? Has she never heard the phrase “mind your own business”?

“Don’t be like that! You haven’t even had your first love yet, by the looks of it, Gin-chan — and who knows, give romance a shot and you might just end up thanking me for a ‘great birthday present.’”
“No way, no way.”
“I wanna see it~ — you all dressed up for someone you like, Gin-chan.”
“You saying the way I dress now is lame?”
“No, no — you look plenty cool as you are, but I bet you’d wear cute clothes and all that, too~.”
“Not happening.”

However much I might come to like someone, bending my own tastes out of shape over it would be ridiculous. If anything, I’d make them match ME.

“Anyway, what about you, Ayu?”
“Me?”

She pushes it on everyone else this hard. Even if she does seem to dodge it herself, I couldn’t just not ask. That thought had the words slipping out before I knew it.

“You said you don’t have anyone right now… but don’t you ever think about getting one? A partner, I mean.”
“Nope.”
“Instant answer… why?”

Stop. Out of nowhere, for no clear reason, a prickle of alarm welled up in a corner of my mind. Push any further and you’ll rack up another regret: that was the premonition.

“Because, y’know, going to all that effort for someone else’s sake — it’s a hassle…”
“Hey now.”

That undoes everything she was just saying, doesn’t it.

“Kidding, kidding.”
“Haah.”
“…I mean, at a glance I’m a 16-year-old high school girl, but… on the inside I’m 30… no, have I crossed 35 by now? Somewhere around there, y’know? It’s basically fraud, this whole thing.”
“Huh… then…”

Stop, stop. The words I’m about to say next… even if they don’t mean that to me, the moment they leave my mouth, they could all too easily turn into “that kind of meaning.” None of my actual intent would survive it; no matter how you slice it, to anyone else it’d land as “that kind of meaning.”

“Then… would it be fine as long as they knew you’re a reincarnator, Ayu?”

I said it. I overstepped.

A remark like that, from the outside, is a roundabout confession… as good as saying I like Ayu in that way. Of course I don’t mean it like that. I don’t. But… what if Ayu takes it the wrong way and comes back with “want to go out, then?” What would I even do.

“Hmm… nope.”
“…Eh?”
“If it’s someone who knows I’m a reincarnator… then, probably, I could go for them even less than someone who doesn’t know.”

…Well, that overheated little guess of mine got shot down flat by the very person it was about.

“…Why?”

It felt like the ground had crumbled out from under me. It wasn’t me being rejected; the whole thing was strictly hypothetical, and yet, for some reason, the shock hit me as though every last thing about me had been denied.

I somehow manage to keep it out of my voice, but… I’ve no idea what kind of face I’m making right now. If I can help it, I’d rather Ayu didn’t turn around at just this second.

“…Ah, don’t get the wrong idea, okay?! It’s not that I’m saying you’re off the table as a romantic option or anything, Gin-chan, okay?!”
“…Whatever. I don’t want you seeing me as a romantic option in the first place, so it’s fine.”

That’s right, so there’s no problem, none at all… and yet, why she’d said something like that, there was a part of me that wanted the reason right this instant, a me hanging on her next words.

“It’s a simple thing, really. Because the only one who knows, you, Gin-chan — you’re exactly that.”
“…Me?”
“Yeah, because…”

Ayu turned around. Luckily, at some point we’d walked past the lit-up stretch of road. Against the backlight, she probably couldn’t make out my face at all.

“Because — someone who’d still share their youth with me, even knowing that? They’d be too wonderful, way too good for the likes of me!”

Turning around, answering with a laugh, Ayu’s face… lit as it was by the glow of the decorative lights, looked cruelly beautiful.