Honoka’s Feelings.

“Hey.”

When I called out, Honoka looked up.

“Ah, Isshiki-san. You finally came back.”

As she spoke, her face was deathly pale—no wonder, since it was a freezing January night and she was wearing only a sweater and jeans.

“What the hell are you doing in a place like this?”

“Well, I was thinking maybe I’d stay at your place tonight,” Honoka said with a forced smile, but her lips were blue and her body gave a violent shiver.

“Don’t be stupid. There’s no way in hell I’m letting you stay over.”

“Whaaat? If a beautiful girl like me asks to stay over, shouldn’t you usually be happy?” She laughed for a second, then looked down. “Right… if you let someone like me into your house, there’s no telling what I’d do to you. It’s too dangerous to let me stay, huh?”

Honoka wrapped her arms around her shoulders.

“So you do realize it. Come on, I’ll drive you home.”

But Honoka didn’t move.

“Hey, let’s go. Toko-senpai is worried sick.”

Still, she remained as still as a statue.

“No. I’m not going back.”

“Stop talking nonsense. You’ll die if you stay out here all night in that outfit. Come on, get in the car.”

I reached out to grab her hand. She shook me off and screamed.

“No! I don’t care if I die! I’m absolutely not going back!”

“You…” I stood over her, exasperated. “You’re not a toddler, so stop throwing a tantrum. ‘Don’t care if I die’? Don’t say things like that so lightly.”

“But… I’ve never seen Sis so angry at me. And she looked so sad…”

My heart twinged. I was partly responsible for that too, I realized.

“It might be the first time she’s ever slapped me. I can’t face her right now.”

Honoka pressed a hand to her right cheek. I didn’t follow her whole thought process, but it was clear she was genuinely in shock. Still, we couldn’t stay out here forever.

“I’m calling Toko-senpai for now. She was incredibly worried. She told me to contact her the moment I found you.”

As I reached for my phone, Honoka stood up with unexpected speed and grabbed my hand.

“Wait, please! Don’t call her yet!”

More than anything, I was struck by how cold her hands were.

“You… you’re frozen solid, aren’t you?”

I couldn’t leave her like this.

“Fine. I won’t call her this second. In exchange, get in the car. If you stay outside in that state any longer you’re going to get pneumonia. Warm up with the heater.”

I took her hand and pulled her toward the car. This time Honoka followed quietly. I put her in the passenger seat, started the engine, and cranked the heater to the max, then went to the vending machine at the edge of the park and bought a large hot canned coffee.

“Here.” I handed it to her when I got back.

“Thanks.”

Honoka didn’t open it right away; she held it with both hands like a lifesaver. I took a sip of my own coffee.

“Hey… how do you really feel about Toko-senpai?”

“What do you mean?”

“I can’t tell if you love her or hate her. I don’t really get it.”

Honoka stared into the coffee before she answered. “I love her. I respect her too.”

“Do you?”

“But… I’m sure somewhere in my heart I’m always jealous. There’s a part of me that thinks, ‘I wish she’d just fail at something.’”

“Is there a reason you feel that way?”

Honoka was quiet for a while before she muttered, “Sis always takes everything I want. Even our parents only have high expectations for her.”

“Toko-senpai said her parents are soft on you, though.”

“Sure, they spoil me. But that’s because they don’t expect anything from me.”

Do siblings always have that kind of conflict? Being an only child, I didn’t quite get it.

“My first boyfriend? It turns out he was actually after Sis. I found out later. He only dated me to get a chance to meet her… Don’t you think that’s cruel?”

…Yeah, that is pretty cruel, I thought.

“Even in middle school, Sis was a celebrity, so I was always compared to her. Sis was a genius at studying, so even though my grades weren’t bad, people looked at me like, ‘Is that all she’s got?’”

I remembered hearing that siblings are often your closest rivals.

“The final straw was the reader model thing. I secretly applied to be a model several times and always got cut at the first interview. Then Sis just gets scouted while walking down the street and becomes a model… I thought I could at least compete with her in looks.”

So she’d run into the ‘Wall of Big Sister’ at every turn. I felt a little sorry for her.

“From my perspective, I don’t think you lose to Toko-senpai in looks at all. Your styles are just different.”

“You don’t have to comfort me,” Honoka said, pouting.

“I’m not. That’s just my honest impression. Your vibe, your confidence, the way you’ve built your own style… maybe those parts are different from Toko-senpai’s.”

“That makes no sense… what do you mean?”

“I mean maybe the way you’re acting and speaking now isn’t the real you.”

“…”

“Listening to your story, there’s one thing I can relate to.”

“What?”

“The ‘sister of a celebrity’ thing. Even though I haven’t been dating Toko-senpai long, all sorts of guys at university keep asking me about her. Some idiots who’ve never spoken to me before have the nerve to pry. Honestly, there were times I didn’t want to be with her in the cafeteria or anywhere with a lot of people.”

“…”

“Well, in my case, it’s also because the ‘trigger’ for us dating was a huge public incident. But even through all that, Toko-senpai stays dignified. It’s impressive. Especially since she’s a girl and people spread all sorts of rumors about her.”

“I see… so Sis and the others are having a hard time at school too.”

“But that’s not the only reason, is it?”

“Eh?”

“I felt it when I saw you and Toko-senpai together. Even though you’re sisters, you looked like you were holding back. You were playing the ‘good girl.’ I think there’s something else you feel inferior about when it comes to her.”

“…”

“I can tell because I feel intimidated by her too—I always end up taking a step back. Since we’re here, just spit it all out.”

Honoka was silent for a long time. Eventually she spoke in a quiet voice.

“Do you know about the one-centimeter scar near Sis’s right temple?”

“No.” I don’t stare that closely, and Toko-senpai usually keeps her bangs down.

“That… is my fault.”

“Did you get into a fight or something?”

Honoka shook her head. “In my third year of middle school, I had a phase where I was acting out. I was hanging out with some bad people, just a little bit.”

I listened. It wasn’t an uncommon story.

“It was summer. I had fought with Sis and run out of the house. I was walking around town at night when one of those guys called to me. When I ignored him he yelled, ‘Don’t act so tough!’ and I was surrounded by four guys. They tried to force me into a car.”

I pictured the scene. Around this coastal area there were often shady groups loitering on summer nights.

“Apparently those guys had been talking about ‘doing’ me for a while. I fought back, but I couldn’t get away from four men.”

“Don’t tell me…” Even I was speechless.

Honoka shook her head. “Sis came looking for me and saved me. She was calling the police on her phone while she threw herself into the middle of them to keep them from taking me. If Sis hadn’t come then, it would have been really bad.”

So that was the “terrible thing” Toko-senpai mentioned earlier when she was worried.

“One of the guys shoved Sis violently. She hit her head on the corner of the car and bled quite a lot. But she still desperately protected me.”

“…”

“That scar still hasn’t gone away. It looks like it’ll be there for life. That’s why… I feel so bad about Sis…”

“Then why do you go and do things that worry her like this again? Toko-senpai went out looking for you. I went looking with her. It’s dangerous for a woman to be alone at night.”

At that Honoka buried her face in the dashboard and started crying.

“I know I’m a horrible person. But I just couldn’t bring myself to contact her. I was so scared she’d actually hate me this time…”

She sobbed loudly. I said nothing and simply watched over her.

Physically she’s an adult and her eccentric behavior drags me along, but mentally she’s still a child in some ways, and a small part of me felt relieved. She must have cried for over five minutes.

“Sorry… this has nothing to do with you, Isshiki-san…” she said through her tears.

“Just for now, it’s fine. But after all that happened, I can’t believe you thought about running away again.”

Honoka lifted her face slightly from her arms and looked at me. “That’s why… I thought I could just stay at your place.”

…There she goes with the nonsense again.

“Why would my place be okay? Do you even understand what it means for a girl to stay at a guy’s house?”

“From everything that’s happened, I know you’re not the type to do that. I could tell from watching you with Meika. As long as I’m Sis’s sister, you would never lay a hand on me.”

“Well, that’s true, but…” What a strange basis for trust.

“If I went to Meika’s house, Sis would find me immediately.”

I sighed and smiled wryly. “I think I understand your twisted personality and warped affection a little better now. Do you feel a bit better?”

Honoka said nothing, but she sat up and gave a small nod.

“Okay, I’m calling Toko-senpai. She was really worried about you.”

I pulled out my phone. This time Honoka didn’t resist.

[Yuu] I found Honoka-san. She was in a park near my house. She’s safe.

[Toko] Thank goodness! Thank you! I’m coming by taxi, so please wait there.

[Yuu] No, I’ll drive her home now. Please wait at the house. I sent back.

“Toko-senpai said she’d come here, but I told her I’d drive you back.”

Honoka stared at me intently.

“Let’s go once you’ve calmed down.”

She gave another small nod.

We were inside the car, heading to her house.

“Hey… why are you dating Sis?” Honoka suddenly asked.

“Why? Because I like her, obviously.”

“But Sis… she’ll definitely never let you do ‘it,’ right?”

“Well… probably not. She’s declared ‘nothing until marriage,’ after all.”

“I don’t really get that. I think if you really like each other, it’s fine.”

“These days, there aren’t many women like that. So I think, ‘it’s okay if a person like that exists.’ I consider that part of her charm.”

“Isshiki-san, are you a masochist?”

I sighed. The usual Honoka was coming back.

“Kamokura-san said, ‘I love Toko more than anyone, but for a man, that’s not enough.’”

“I won’t deny that part. But since Toko-senpai says no, there’s nothing I can do. We’re a couple, so we have to respect each other.”

“Can you really hold back forever? Are you a virginity-obsessive or something?”

“I told you not to talk about stuff like that so lightly! You’re still a high schooler, right?”

“You’re a minor too, and only two years older than me, right? But you’ve done it, haven’t you?”

I was at a loss for words.

“Hehe, so you like virgins.” For some reason she sounded pleased.

“I’m not discussing this topic with you anymore. More importantly, are you still in contact with Kamokura-senpai?” I asked, uneasy. He might be hearing about me and Toko-senpai through her.

“Well, he’s Sis’s ex. When he came home during summer break, I met him with Sis. We exchanged emails and IDs then. Right after Sis dumped him, he contacted me.”

“Did you tell Kamokura anything about us?”

Honoka shook her head. “It’s about Sis, so it’s not my place to say anything. Besides, he only asked me, ‘Can you help me get back together with Toko? I want a chance to meet her alone.’”

“But you were really pushing for him earlier, weren’t you? You said you hated being with me, but you’d walk with him.”

“Don’t bring up stuff from back then. And I didn’t say I hated walking with you…” Honoka shrugged shyly. “After tonight… I guess I’ll be ‘Team Isshiki-san’ for now. So let’s leave it at that.”

I gave a wry smile. She really was a high-handed girl.

When we arrived at her house, Toko-senpai was waiting by the gate.

“Honoka!”

As Honoka got out of the car, Toko-senpai ran over and hugged her.

“Sorry for worrying you, Sis.”

“I’m sorry for slapping you, too.”

Watching them, I wondered if they’d always been like this. Toko-senpai likely wants something from Honoka, and Honoka seeks her own ideals and admiration in Toko-senpai. Is this mutual dependency?

Toko-senpai looked toward me.

“Thank you so much for tonight. It’s all thanks to you, Yuu-kun.”

“No, it was nothing…” If anything, I felt my thoughtless actions had caused the problem.

Two figures appeared at the front door—probably Toko-senpai’s parents. I wasn’t ready to meet them.

“Well, I’ll be heading off now!” I said hurriedly and jumped back into the car. Toko-senpai seemed to say something, but I pretended not to hear and drove away.

As I drove home I thought… maybe having a sibling is something to be a little envious of after all.