Chapter 60: Turtle Son Has Become Clever

Hahaha…

The storyteller reached this point and the teahouse erupted in laughter. The storyteller then struck his clapper, his young apprentice took a winnowing basket and collected money from each table. Everyone tossed coins into the basket. Li Chaosheng was not stingy either and threw a handful of cash in.

The storyteller rose to stretch, went to the restroom, drank some tea to moisten his throat. The listeners chatted idly with one another, cracked sunflower seeds, and the innkeeper had a waiter refill the tea at each table.

Soon the storyteller returned, struck the table, and began to recite the opening verse:

The horse is thin with long hair and fat hooves, the old couple sleep on a warm bed. The old man wants to sleep at the head of the bed, but his wife refuses. The old man grabs the door-beating stick, the wife picks up the rolling pin. The old couple bang and clatter until bright daylight, and the bed is aired out and cold, and no one ended up sleeping on the warm bed.

Alas~~

The audience below began to heckle. The storyteller on stage said, “You didn’t guess, did you? Did you think I was going to say ‘the horse is thin with long hair and fat hooves, the son stealing from his father is not a thief’?” (TL note: this is a standard opening for traditional Chinese skits.)

“Yes~”

“Ha ha, I can’t let you guess that. If you guessed it you wouldn’t give me money. While I was drinking just now, did I see you looking at this piece of wood?”

“Yes.”

“What’s there to stare at on this old piece of wood? It was made from the big poplar at the village entrance. People call it the clapper. It means to hush everyone and let me continue the story of the ugly queen. Actually, about this wood: it is said there are six and a half pieces of blessed wood in the world. The emperor has one called Dragon Courage; the empress has one called Phoenix Glow; civil officials have one called Court Alarm; generals have one called Tiger Might; monks and taoists each have one called the Rule to Deter the Altar; the skilled physician holds half called Suppressing Square. Those are the six and a half proper pieces. If you had to cobble one together at the end, it would be the one we storytellers hold. You call it a clapper, we in the trade call it the poor man’s block.”

Alas~~

“Another one, another one.”

“No more. These idle tales won’t put bread on the table. Let’s get to something proper. We’ll continue the story of the ugly queen…”

This storyteller truly was skilled, a few idle words brought constant laughter. Li Chaosheng found it very amusing. He drank tea and cracked seeds, and before he knew it he had finished a session of the tale. After it ended, Li Chaosheng turned and left.

He felt quite pleased. He had found another pleasure: listening to stories. After Li Chaosheng’s visit to the brothel and the 3D theatrical shows he could watch in his mind, this was another great enjoyment, adding endless delight to the dull ancient life.

In fact Li Chaosheng rather liked this life in ancient times. The food was generally pollution-free, the drinks had no additives. If bored, one could openly go to brothels, sleep with lovers without the police conducting raids, and if bored one could listen to storytellers in teahouses. The only problem was his own taste in drama was lacking and he could not appreciate some performances.

Another thing about this world was one could seek longevity and practice cultivation technique to strengthen the body and become impervious to disease.

In this world every bit of progress was clearly visible and the path upwards was obvious, unlike the real world where one could only lie flat, because those with resources had essentially cut off the route for young people’s advancement.

Sighing, Li Chaosheng walked home but noticed someone following him. Amused, he looked back and saw the two little beggars. Li Chaosheng looked at the two little beggars and said, “What are you doing?”

At this one little beggar said, “Sir, thank you for buying us tea. Tomorrow we can give you our best seat for a day.”

“Oh ho, you little fellows are grateful. Why don’t you have a home?”

Li Chaosheng asked, and the two little beggars shook their heads and said, “Our parents died early. We have no home.”

“Would you like to live with me? I live along Dead Street,” Li Chaosheng looked at the two little beggars and asked.

The two little beggars shook their heads repeatedly and said, “No need, Sir. We don’t dare trouble you. We followed you just to thank you for the tea.”

“Ha ha… then no need to be polite.”

Li Chaosheng waved his hand. The two little beggars bowed and ran off into the night.

“They have quite a bit of pride.”

Li Chaosheng smiled and turned back to his home. At home Li Chaosheng summoned the paper men Little Black and Little White and taught them the Musical Instrument Requiem Method. They learned quickly and mastered it in a short time.

“Master, we’ve learned the method, but we have no instruments. Sir, please help and cut us one.“

Li Chaosheng laughed at this, and without further ceremony he cut from paper a suona and a sheng for the two paper figures.

The sheng is an indispensable instrument for funerals. They say no funeral goes out without a sheng. Mourning music must use it.

As for the suona, it is even more formidable. The suona, or the trumpet of the Chinese orchestra, is the king of instruments, presiding over both weddings and funerals. Any sheng, flute, or bamboo pipe is a mere junior before the suona.

They say: when the tune plays and the cloth is thrown, the whole village, young and old, lines up for the dishes. Once the food is eaten and the wine drunk, men of every age head up the slope, some walking, some carried, followed by a sea of white.

The suona plays, paper money flies, on the Bridge of Helplessness one recalls a lifetime: three years with the flute, five years with the xiao, a thousand years with the pipa, ten thousand with the zheng. One life’s tune on an erhu. When the suona sounds, the whole play ends.

Now that Little Black and Little White had these two instruments, they were ecstatic and started blowing wildly in the dead of night, alarming the neighbors. Whose household was so shameless to have a funeral in the middle of the night?

Just as everyone angrily prepared to storm out and shout, Li Chaosheng confiscated the suona and sheng from the two paper figures. The two paper figures felt aggrieved, but they could do nothing about it.

They did not dare openly defy Li Chaosheng. Li Chaosheng glared at the two little ones and then pulled the covers over and slept.

But in the middle of the night the two little ones could not sleep.

“Hey hey~ Little Black, let’s go out and play?” Little White coaxed Little Black

Little Black, scowling, said, “Master doesn’t allow it.”

“Master is asleep. We’ll be back before he wakes.”

“Well~”

“What’s with the hesitation? Tonight let’s go play at the funeral-music shop owner Zhou’s house. I heard he has a family heirloom score called ‘Hundred Birds Facing the Phoenix’. We’ll flip it out and get it.”

Little White continued to tempt Little Black. Little Black rubbed his hands and finally bit his teeth and said, “Fine, let’s go quickly.”

With that, Little Black and Little White drifted out through the crack in the door. At that moment Turtle Son popped his head out of the washbasin, his small eyes rolling, and slowly crawled toward Li Chaosheng.

Li Chaosheng slept soundly until he suddenly felt his face wet. Opening his eyes, he saw Turtle Son bumping his head against him, and his entire face was wet.

“Hey hey, what are you doing, Turtle Son? You’ve soaked my covers.” Li Chaosheng frowned.

Turtle Son tilted his little head toward the windowsill, and Li Chaosheng then noticed the two paper figures that had been standing punished on the sill were gone.

“Those two ran out to play?” Li Chaosheng asked with a frown.

Turtle Son kept nodding. Li Chaosheng’s face darkened and he said, “I’ll deal with them when they come back.”

When Turtle Son heard this, a conspiratorial, triumphant smile appeared on his face. This Turtle Son had really become clever.