Chapter 32

Until the cries in my head fell silent, I looked at the Saint, unable to say a word for a long time. Only the sound of the fabric fluttering in the breeze and the faint, distant sound of horses neighing drifted into the tent. She did not add anything further. It was as if she were giving me time to sort through my thoughts on my own.

“So.”

I opened my mouth first. My voice was calmer than I expected.

“What’s the conclusion?”

The Saint lowered her eyes for a moment before answering cautiously.

“There is nothing that can be confirmed just yet. However—it is certain that you have set foot into a much deeper place than you had imagined.”

“I already know that.”

I cut her off abruptly. There was no need for more complicated explanations. Things were already complicated enough.

In the carriage on the way back, I looked down at the sword resting on my lap, running my hand over the scabbard several times. The scabbard was understated, and the ornamentation was not excessive. The explanation that it was for practical use must not have been just a label. I could feel that Leonis had put quite a bit of thought into choosing it. The finish on the hilt was clean, and the metal decoration at the mouth of the scabbard didn’t flash too brightly. It was an item that prioritized utility over noble aesthetics.

The strange sensation I felt when I received this from Leonis and held it in my arms still left a lingering impression. It was cold and heavy, but I didn’t hate it. I wondered if I had ever felt the fact that I was holding a hunk of metal so clearly before. Every time the carriage rattled, the sword swayed slightly, and the vibration transmitted to my lap each time felt strangely realistic. I lifted my hand and placed it back again and again, confirming that the sensation hadn’t disappeared.

The memory of the moment my neck was severed remains intense. Although it is a memory of a fragment, it is my memory now, so there is no use in distinguishing between them. At the same time, the spectacle of the Count’s head rolling off in front of my eyes, the blood spraying, the smell of the air. Two points in time were coexisting in a single moment.

I thought that I, who possessed such memories, would never come to like an object called a sword. Yet, the fact that I had it on my lap now, touching it for no reason, is a bit funny. It isn’t a grand enough feeling to call attachment. Perhaps it’s just because I already know where this sword will go from here. I know that the place it stays is merely my lap for a while, and it is an object that will eventually be transferred to another hand.

Felix’s hand. I naturally imagine what kind of expression he will make when he holds this. Will he laugh brightly, just like when I confessed my love on that sunset day? Since he is a person honest with his expressions of affection, he might hug me tight with a face that says he’s moved. Or perhaps he’ll just draw the sword, see that it looks expensive, and go, “Whoa~.”

Imagining it that way, I reached the conclusion that either reaction would be fine. Felix is the type who doesn’t hide his emotions. At least, the one I’ve seen is. So, whatever reaction he has will be honest, and that honesty comforts me a little. Whatever I hand him, and whatever meaning I pack into it, he will accept it just as it is. If he likes it, he’ll say he likes it; if it pleases him, he’ll say it pleases him. Though he might not say he dislikes it even if he does.

F.

“Do you remember? Three years ago, when I tried to dissuade you from going to the Lallanne territory. I had anticipated the anomalies in the national territory beforehand. However, I didn’t know exactly what kind of anomalies they were, so in the end, I lost many lives. My inexplicable sense of foreboding was not accepted as a valid opinion.”

The Saint, who had been expressionless the whole time while saying that even the Temple couldn’t help it and that it was merely her own inadequacy, smiled a bit bitterly.

“At the very least, I wanted to save you, as you were nearby. But as expected, I was too extreme. Just because you couldn’t be persuaded with words didn’t mean I should have deceived you.”

At the time, when I heard that the Lallanne territory was included in the territory where an ominous feeling was sensed, I thought I had to get to Iel even more. Of course, there was no way I would be persuaded by some measly words. So, the Saint didn’t stop at deceiving me by feeding me food laced with sleeping pills; she even used divine power to knock me out cold. By the time I woke up, the news that an unknown barrier had been erected around the Lallanne territory had already broken.

I railed at the Saint, fuming over what kind of psycho she was. I heard voices around me blathering on about her being a woman or what not, but I had never considered such things in my life, so I didn’t hesitate to attack. Aside from Iel, I had formed human relationships solely under the law of “the strong eat the weak.” In that law, there is no gender or age.

But even so, the reason I couldn’t strike the Saint down in the end was because of my colleagues, who were desperately clinging to my limbs. It’s a memory that still makes murderous intent rise even now.

If I hadn’t fallen asleep back then, if I had brought Iel out of the territory before the anomaly occurred. If that had happened, you might still be my Iel, without ever having been mixed up with such strange things.

“You may find it hard to believe, but that was truly out of goodwill. The sense of foreboding I felt was close to a catastrophe, and I believed that letting you go to such a place while knowing that was contrary to a Saint’s duty.”

I mocked her, asking what I cared about her thoughts, and held my head. I had a headache.

“Even now, I don’t think it was a particularly wrong judgment. Because I believe that if you had been trapped in the territory back then, you certainly would have died.”

“So, what your thoughts are—”

“Yes. That is just my own circumstance. So, I do think I am sorry. I do not regret saving you by breaking your will, but I shouldn’t have taken that so lightly. But I truly could not understand. Why you had to go there immediately, refusing even the opinion of waiting to see the situation for a while. Because you didn’t explain it to me.”

“…”

“Even when the judgment was made that breaching the barrier was nearly impossible, you were obsessed with the Lallanne territory. Watching you, probably not only I but most of those around you noticed. At the very least, that there was someone extremely precious to you inside.”

Saying that the inference hadn’t been difficult, the Saint slowly folded her fingers with her eyes lowered.

“To say it was to find an important object, you were too anxious and desperate as time passed. Therefore, what you were trying to find was something that became more precarious as time went on. Consumables are generally of low importance, so I thought it was at least a living thing, whether animal or person. Also, according to the human tendencies of Felix that I had perceived meanwhile, it would be a person rather than an animal, I concluded.”

That was correct. Before I could form an attachment to any animal, I recognized them as game or prey to compete for. However, I think anyone who repeatedly fought with wild dogs for their life as a kid would have ended up like me.

“So?”

“I say it again, I think that if you had entered the territory three years ago, you definitely would have died. And I didn’t think there would be any difference just because it was three years later. But contrary to my expectations, you came back alive. Naturally, I was curious about the method. Even though there was no means to escape the barrier.”

Before Meriel disappeared with the territory, my last outing had been a bit long. I told Meriel it was for work, but to be precise, I had stopped by the base to report my survival to my colleagues. And as it happened, I met the Saint again, and when she asked how I got out, I just replied that I just came out. That I didn’t know either. I answered vaguely because it was a time when I felt even more uncomfortable than now and didn’t really want to deal with her.

Then the Saint muttered about whether the entry conditions differed depending on the inside or outside of the barrier, and since she didn’t say anything else, I assumed she had accepted it at that. But seeing her now, it seemed she hadn’t been satisfied so easily. Well, that must be why she had deliberately sought me out even when I had realized I was abandoned again and was sitting down in despair. To check the site for herself.

“That’s unexpected. You thought I wouldn’t be able to come out if I went in, yet you cooperated without saying a word.”

“It was a form of respect. Because thanks to you, I realized that my goodwill could conversely become suffering. I also reflected quite a bit. If your attachment was that deep, I thought that perhaps death might be a Sabbath for you.”

Hearing it later, my colleagues at the time also said that seeing me try to spend all my items just to get inside, they had just assumed I intended to die inside the barrier.