Chapter 36

F.

I arrived at my own home for the first time in a while. Since it was a place I only used when things were inconvenient, it was a desolate space where I couldn’t feel even the slightest bit of coziness. Still, it was a place I liked, if only for how exceptionally quiet it was.

I took off my clothes as I headed toward the bathroom. I sat on the edge of the bathtub, pulled a dagger from my waist, and twisted my wrist left and right to carefully inspect if the blade had dulled. Only after confirming it was still sharply honed did I raise my left arm. I brought the tip of the blade to the spot where the mark of the blessing prayer was located.

Shhhk— In an instant, the flesh was sliced away as if I were filleting it, hitting the cold floor with a sound as if it were sticking to the ground.

Afterward, I retrieved medicine and bandages from an envelope I had placed by my feet to treat the wound. Since I was a man who lived by the blade, it was a task I was well-accustomed to, so doing it alone didn’t take long.

After clearing away the things I had spread out and washing up briefly, I came out of the bathroom. I changed my clothes and peered into a small mirror I’d had shoved into the corner of the closet, meticulously checking to ensure not a single microscopic drop of blood remained.

I gave the slightly overcast sky a glance as I stepped out of the house. I casually tossed the paper envelope I’d brought out into an alley trash can.

I shoved both hands into my coat pockets while heading back to Iel’s house. Then, I suddenly pulled out my pocket watch. Two o’clock. She had said with her own mouth that she would come in the morning, so if she had really kept her promise, she should have arrived long ago.

Even with the assumption that she might be waiting, I didn’t adjust my walking speed. On other days, I would have been in a hurry to quicken my pace, but today, I too needed to sort out my thoughts.

Ah, bird droppings. Pivoting on one heel, I twisted my body to avoid them, then moved my feet forward without stopping. However, there was also misfortune that could not be blocked, no matter how hard I tried.

“Ah.”

I suddenly discovered that the middle button of my shirt had disappeared and naturally felt bitter. It was a new shirt, too. I fiddled unnecessarily with the buttonhole that could no longer be used and let out a sigh.

I am no longer very surprised even if Iel is an existence like a Messenger. No matter how much I tried to keep a lid on it, once you feel the shitty reality with every sense of your body, there are times when you simply cannot turn your eyes away.

The problem is how I respond once I acknowledge it.

Still, in my case, it was relatively easy to derive an answer. Because there was an existence I could not let go of even if I died sitting right there, if I had to choose, I naturally had to give up everything else.

I’m risking my life, so what’s a mere prayer compared to that.

Yes, it’s that obvious. If that prayer is the basis for hurting Iel’s feelings and making her hate me, then it is only right from my perspective to abandon the blessing prayer.

Of course, I also know. That a blessing prayer cannot be canceled. It’s a fact I already accepted while shaking the Saint by the collar.

I understood that the mark wouldn’t disappear just by cutting away a bit of skin. I meant that even I knew full well that this was on a different track from something like a tattoo. But precisely because of that, I had to show even more sincerity.

Useless effort, you say? So what. If I have to explain myself even by putting on a show, I should do it a hundred, a thousand times over.

To say I had no ill intent. If nothing can be turned back now, I should at least show my stupidity and appeal to my harmlessness! It means I have to at least make an effort to change her heart.

Moreover, didn’t Iel return even while enduring her own discomfort? If I have any sense of shame, I too should show the minimum of sincerity. If you hate it, I’ll even cut off my arm. This act of slicing myself is like a down payment… no, a small token of sincerity. Something like that.

Of course, I figured Iel would find it creepy, telling me not to do such useless things. But since she spent her childhood in the underworld, she wouldn’t be entirely ignorant of the meaning behind such acts.

Before distinguishing whether this guy is bluffing or making threats, there was clearly a difference between showing one’s own resolve and just hovering around while watching her reaction.

“You’re here?”

As I opened the door, Iel, who had been sitting in front of the dining table with her chin in her hand, greeted me listlessly.

“When was it you who fed me sweet talk about missing me? Where have you been wandering around?”

I was somewhat relieved by Iel’s playfulness as she pretended to be sulky.

“Sorry, I had some business to attend to.”

The Saint had said so. That if it were hatred, it might still be reversible.

I approached Iel. I carefully pulled her head into my embrace as she sat in the chair. Iel grumbled, but obediently leaned her body against me.

After a while, I slowly took my hand off her head. Then, I took a step back and knelt on both knees on the floor. My eyes met Iel’s directly as she sat in the chair.

She looked at me with a face that wondered why I was acting like this.

I reached out both hands and clasped Iel’s hands.

“I’m sorry.”

Iel tilted her head, still not hiding her bewilderment. I begged for her forgiveness once again.

Soon, I gathered both of Iel’s hands together and leaned my forehead against them as if in prayer.

“Sorry.”

Whatever the reason you harbor resentment toward me deep down. None of that matters. I’m the one who must have been in the wrong anyway.

“I was wrong. Please forgive me.”

Please, please.

I desperately prayed, unnecessarily re-clasping her two hands. A Messenger of God is a demigod, they say. If so, this must also be in the presence of God. There’s no room for humiliation or whatever.

I am merely a pathetic and insignificant soul who intends to repent and ask for forgiveness before God. As she said, because I am an ignorant human being who can only see what is visible, even when I commit a wrong, I do not know that it is a wrong.

I once heard at the Temple that the sin of ignorance is the lightest when weighing the gravity of sins, because that is simply the limit of one’s innate nature.

Assuming Iel believes in an external god, I don’t know if she would apply the same standards as the Temple, but what could I do other than rely on her mercy? Please forgive the foolish one. I have no choice but to pray and pray again.

Felix kissed the backs of my hands alternately while offering an inexplicable apology. I watched him silently.

What… is this?

The moment he knelt before me was when the inside of my head had gone silent in an instant. Until the moment he opened the front door and walked in, the giggling had been slowly growing louder inside my head.

But now, it has all vanished cleanly and I hear nothing.

This clean mind and emotion I feel for the first time in a very long time. I could finally realize that I was in a cozy sanctuary. Even though I had been acting as if I were fine, I reflect anew on how turbulent my mind had actually been while living through this time.

I spoke to Felix, who was still bowing his head before me.

“I don’t know what you did wrong, but if you are that sorry… fine, I’ll forgive you, so lift your head a bit.”

Asking what he had done wrong first would be normal, but I postponed it for now. Felix, from what I could see, seemed so exhausted and sunken that it felt a bit much to grill him. I thought it would be better to help him recover first and ask slowly later.

I rose from the chair and pulled his clasped hands. His face looked haggard as he rose staggeringly.

“Have you had a hard time lately? You look tired.”

“Yes.”

“Sleep?”

He shook his head.

“Meals?”

He shook his head again. His reaction was somehow like a dejected child. While that appearance was also adorable, my worry took precedence.

I sat Felix in front of the dining table and prepared a meal. It was a bit of an awkward time, but since it was just the two of us here, what did that matter?

After feeding him a hearty meal and letting him drink a cup of tea, I pushed him into the bedroom. I sat him on the bed, told him in a half-commanding tone to get some sleep, and turned around. Just as I was about to leave the room, Felix immediately got up and grabbed my arm.

“Hm?”

“What about you?”

“I’m not sleepy.”

Unlike the ragged Felix, I had been sleeping and eating quite well during this time. I wasn’t particularly tired. Besides, I had to clean up the kitchen now.

“Then I’m fine too. Help me with the cleanup. No, I’ll just do it.”

“Forget it, it’s not like it’s difficult. You go to sleep. What do you mean you’re fine? You have huge dark circles.”

“Like you said, it’s not difficult, so I’ll do it. It’s what I ate anyway.”

“I told you, forget it? Why are you being so unnecessarily stubborn?”

“Because I want to clean up quickly and sleep with you.”