Chapter 9

However, even after that, I couldn’t reach a definitive conclusion with Felix. When I came home after work, I would be so languidly relaxed by the massage he gave my whole body that I would slip into our nightly activities, and by the time I came to my senses, I had already lost the will and energy to argue.

It was the same even after the group guests left the inn. Felix wasn’t doing anything special, but it was strangely comfortable when he was around. Or to be more accurate, it would be correct to say there were fewer things that bothered me.

Because his lifestyle habits were similar to mine, there was almost no petty fatigue. Furthermore, Felix added a human warmth to the house that had felt cold, making it strangely cozy. Unexpectedly, I began to think that living together was doable, and I ended up adapting to life with him in a vague, drifting sort of way.

Time passed and the weather warmed up completely. For the first time in a while, I was tidying up around the house. Suddenly, I heard a voice calling me from afar.

“Iel!”

Fel, who had been out and was returning for the first time in a few days, was waving his hand vigorously from over there. I was sweeping the front of the house with a broom, and upon discovering him, I felt a severe tremor deep in my chest.

It was because I discovered myself feeling relieved to see him return without fail, yet again. I realized that his existence had become a source of joy for me.

I felt a suffocating, almost painful sensation in his embrace as he approached and hugged me tightly. I felt like I was going to cry.

“I missed you so much.”

Felix, saying it as if he were lamenting, was unbearably adorable. I put down the broom and placed both hands on his back. I kept myself wrapped around his back silently because I felt like I would sob if I opened my mouth. However, when we separated and faced each other before long, my emotions were exposed by the moisture that had finally seeped out. Felix, who had shown a look of surprise with wide eyes, soon smiled softly and asked, a bit mischievously.

“Did you miss me?”

My throat felt clogged, so I kept my mouth shut and nodded my head slightly just once. Even at that faint shaking, my tears finally broke through the dam and came falling down in heaps. He cupped my face with both hands and whispered.

“I love you.”

And then he asked cautiously.

“Do you love me?”

I still held the thought that one shouldn’t say such things just for one’s own satisfaction. But I also didn’t want to see the expression on his face, which I was currently facing, stained with disappointment.

The scales in my heart, weighing the importance of both sides, tilted rapidly to one side. Perhaps this too was because I was intoxicated by a momentary emotion. Even so, I thought it was okay this time.

“…Yeah. I love you.”

Since my confession had fulfilled its value with just the look of his bright, beaming face, I wouldn’t regret it this time.

My beloved Meriel,

Another year has passed, and we are now approaching spring.

I worry deeply about how you must have endured this winter, knowing your dislike for the cold, but on the other hand, I want to believe that you overcame it safely this time as well, knowing you are a strong person.

The hyacinths that withstood the cold all winter on my balcony are likely preparing to sprout and waiting for spring. Just like you. Thanks to that, it was quite difficult for me as you came to mind every time I looked at those flowerpots.

I had to struggle time and again between the emotional impulse to go and get you immediately and the great cause that hangs on the future. Even though it is obvious which side is more important.

Like those hyacinths, I know that the fate given to you is also a pain that precedes blooming. Even knowing that, I couldn’t help but feel compassionate and deeply affectionate.

Because I couldn’t bear to be the pathetic one to give up first while leaving you like that, I endured for several years with a heart that felt as if it were being carved away, but this spring especially feels like it is coming too slowly, making me impatient.

It must be because my heart is fluttering with the anticipation of finally being able to see you. In the end, because I couldn’t suppress this impulse any longer, I picked up a pen.

It’s a little early, but now that the time has come, stop and return. You have done more than enough.

I am sending items for your travel convenience, so please cross over to the neighboring village once you finish organizing your surroundings. You can appear at the third jewelry shop, where I have prepared a messenger.

I will happily wait for you to return and make our nest even more peaceful.

By the time you arrive, the spring breeze will finally be blowing here as well. Let’s have tea in the garden where the flowers are in full bloom. And we shall welcome the joyful day that comes with the new beginning together.

-With respect and love, from your eternal partner.

Rustle.

“Still the same.”

While fiddling with the stiff, luxurious texture of the letter, I looked at the gold necklace placed beside the envelope. It was the dowry I had received from Anne at my wedding. It was malicious of him to use my most precious jewelry as bait in case I dared to disobey. It meant that I had to follow obediently, if only to get back the matching earrings. Even if he hadn’t gone this far, I didn’t have the will to disobey anyway.

Already a year and a half. I had usually stayed in other places for seven to eight months before moving on, but I had to stay here for an exceptionally long time.

Naturally, there must be a reason for it. Not that I’m going to dig into it. Anyway, since I had no choice but to hold out until they said it was enough on the other side, nothing would change even if I knew something. Thinking too much only brings pain.

However, I felt a bit fresh this time. To think it’s a return to the main castle, not a move to another region. It seemed I would be spending time as a settler, not a drifter, for a while from now on.

By the way, to think I’ve been seeing Felix for a year… when did that happen? As the call was delayed, the time I spent with him just grew in a vague way, but that was over now, too.

I stood up and looked around the house. In the small house, supplies for two people were placed here and there. Because of that, the space had become narrower than when I lived alone, but the house was warmed by the fact that one more person was added.

I wandered through the house slowly, sometimes brushing my hands over Felix’s things on the shelf, and then took a deep breath. With the long exhale, I forced my mind to switch.

Let’s go back.

From that moment, I stopped hesitating and began to move briskly. I burned the letter, put the necklace around my neck, and hid it inside my clothes. I wrapped a scarf over it to completely conceal the risk of it being revealed by accident. It was the end of winter, so the air was still cold, making the attire not at all awkward.

Lastly, I took out a blank sheet of paper and left a short letter for Felix. That I had left this place due to urgent circumstances, and that I would never return to this village or to Felix. I bid him farewell with a definitive statement so he wouldn’t have any lingering attachments.

Felix was currently away. He had built a nest in my house, but his essence remained a drifter, so he periodically left the village. And every time he returned after a few days, he always brought back a large sum of money and shoved it into my hands. Simply saying, “Take it.”

And he told me to quit the inn work now and use that to run the household. That since he would earn money like that, I should stay safe and comfortable in this house and wait for him. Because the outside was full of dangerous and bad people.

It would be a lie to say I wasn’t tempted by that offer, but I never quit my inn work in the end. I always kept in a corner of my mind the thought that Felix might not be able to return before I left this place, so I guarded against becoming dependent on him.

However, Felix always returned to me. I had felt relieved every time, but now that I was the one leaving first, I thought that it would have been better if Felix had chosen not to return in the first place, even if it made me sad.

I wish he would make that choice, if only for now. I don’t care if my letter doesn’t reach him, I just wish his heart wouldn’t be sad.

I folded the finished letter in half, placed it on the table, and pressed it down lightly with a vase. Then, I took only a small amount of travel money and left the house.

The only person I met before leaving the village was Yumir. Even though she must have been troubled by my sudden resignation, she told me to do well wherever I went.

After that, I went to the neighboring village as written in the letter. When I entered the third-closest jewelry shop from the entrance and took out the necklace, the shop owner handed me a box and said politely.

“Clothing is prepared in the back room.”

After I obediently changed into the prepared clothes, I opened the box the shop owner had given me.

Inside lay a pair of earrings that matched the necklace I was wearing.