Chapter 43

Yellow roses were in full bloom once again. Eila enjoyed the hobby of admiring yellow roses.

All flowers were beautiful, but there was a specific reason why she liked roses whose edges were close to brown and whose petals were ivory-colored. An incident where her classmate Alison trampled on a yellow rose while comparing it to an Asian person’s skin tone had been the beginning of it.

“The national flower of this country is a flower combining red roses and white roses. We don’t acknowledge yellow roses! I’m extremely displeased that a yellowish kid like you represented us and took the oath!”

On the day of the primary school entrance ceremony, Eila receiving the certificate of admission as the representative of the new students had been the root of the trouble. She had simply written and submitted an admissions application close to an essay with her mother’s help…

Riding the swing with Rayburn, she looked at the roses on the stone wall and asked.

“Pretty, aren’t they?”

Rayburn, who tended to be quiet, nodded with a fresh smile on his lips.

Eila looked at Rayburn’s cheeks, which were now nicely plumped up. Having recovered his physical strength through a year of quality meals, Rayburn was reportedly going to undergo vision correction surgery soon.

He might completely lose his sight, or the recovery period might take a long time. At Rayburn’s words that he might just sleep with his eyes covered, Eila had handcrafted a dreamcatcher to gift him.

Rayburn had been genuinely happy, even as he barely managed to see the dreamcatcher through his thick glasses. How wonderful it would be if there were only kind people in the world like Rayburn. Then those moments that occasionally turned sorrowful wouldn’t come…

Watching Rayburn look so happy, Eila drooped her head gloomily.

There was a reason she was unusually dejected today. Some school kids had snapped the yellow roses off the playground’s stone wall, called them “Yellow Eila,” and trampled on them.

She wanted to talk about that to her brother Rayburn, but she held back because she felt her emotions welling up just thinking about it, and she figured Rayburn would be upset too. Even though Rayburn played the part of an older brother well, he still had a small build and couldn’t beat up those kids for her.

She just dejectedly lowered her head. Then Rayburn cautiously asked.

“Roses… should I pick one for you?”

Eila opened her two hands, which had been gripping the ropes of the swing, shook them, and shook her head.

“You can’t do that. Mom said we have to give the roses a fair chance to look around the yard. As for me, I’d love to pick an armful and bring them into my room, but…”

Rayburn nodded as if he understood.

“Then I’ll gift you a bunch next time I come. Make sure to put them in a vase in your room.”

“Really?”

After parting ways with him, Eila waited eagerly just for the next weekend to arrive.

She looked forward to the bunch of roses he had promised to gift her. More than the joy of receiving roses as a gift, she was happy because it felt like Rayburn understood what Eila liked. After all, her mom wasn’t interested in the flowers Eila liked and only gifted her books and experimental tools.

Counting the days on her fingers, Eila made plans for how to use the roses. First, she would keep them in her room for a week to give the flowers a chance to look at her.

When the flowers withered, she decided to make potpourri to gift to Rayburn, and put the rest in her closet.

The Saturday she had been waiting for arrived. When the time came, Rayburn stepped out of the black sedan as always.

Hugging a bouquet as big as his own torso, Rayburn was walking toward the sand pit. While he wore a joyful smile as if he had won the whole world, Eila got off the swing looking flustered.

“……”

That was because the flowers he brought weren’t yellow roses, but pale pink roses. Roses that looked like a mix of red and white roses. The symbol of white people. Rayburn held them out.

“I learned how to wrap from the teacher and did it myself, how is it?”

Holding deep, soulful blue eyes soaked with anticipation, he was holding his breath.

She wanted to smile brightly even for his sake, but she didn’t have the energy for it. Drooping her head low, Eila received the bouquet.

“Th-Thank you.”

Taken aback by the unexpected reaction, Rayburn asked.

“Eila, what’s wrong? Is there a problem?”

“No.”

She answered as if nothing was wrong, but she was actually holding back tears. She had never imagined that Rayburn would bring pale pink roses. She had had no doubt in her mind that he would wrap her in an armful of the yellow roses Eila loved.

Furthermore, she and Rayburn had even promised to live together when they grew up. Rayburn acted like an older brother and treated her kindly, but was he actually hating Eila just like the bad kids at school?

Imagining Rayburn’s cold gaze, resembling the bad kids who had bullied her, made her feel aggrieved, and tears welled up in her eyes.

“I’m going inside the house for today.”

With a pale complexion, Rayburn took a step closer and asked.

“If there’s a reason you’re disappointed, tell me, Eila.”

“……”

“You have to tell me what I did wrong so I can fix it.”

For the first time, Rayburn was fidgeting nervously. Looking at him with eyes reddened by sorrow, Eila replied softly.

“You know very well, Rayburn, that the flowers I wanted weren’t this color.”

With eyes widened as if struck over the head, Rayburn asked.

“Not this color?”

“They aren’t.”

“Eila, what on earth are you talking about?”

She and Rayburn got along so well that they had never argued even once, but she couldn’t just let this slide. Speaking in a sullen voice, Eila squeezed her eyes shut and shouted.

“The flowers I like are yellow, but the ones Rayburn brought are pale pink!”

Rayburn narrowed his brow as if she were spouting some absurd claim. Feeling a surge of frustration, Eila gripped the bouquet tightly.

A few days ago, her school teacher had made that exact same look, too. When she had told her about being racially discriminated against by Alison, the teacher had drawn a line, saying that was just because Eila was sensitive to racism.

Suddenly, everyone in the world felt like an enemy. Her white mom and dad, who claimed to love Eila—born from their hearts—sincerely yet kept a strange wall between them; the classmates who teased her for smelling like garlic; the teacher who cornered Eila into having a persecution complex; and Rayburn, who gifted her roses tinged with the reddish hue of a white person’s skin. They all felt like they were in on it together.

“There’s a huge difference between yellow and pink, doesn’t Rayburn even know that? Or are you, Rayburn, mocking my skin color right now and feeling white superiority?”

As if telling him to take a good look at the duck t-shirt she was wearing today, Eila shook it with one hand. Alternating his gaze between the t-shirt and the bouquet, Rayburn wore a strangely shocked expression.

It was the look of someone watching their world collapse. He stood dazed for a moment as if admiring that world all by himself, then asked quietly, as if seeking confirmation.

“Aren’t those two similar colors?”

Eila answered, showing hostility toward Rayburn.

“Rayburn, these are totally different colors! The flowers Rayburn brought are pale pink! My clothes and the roses in the yard are yellow, yellow! I like yellow! I’m not even going to talk to an idiot like Rayburn who can’t tell colors apart anymore!”

Feeling too disappointed and angry, she hurled the roses down onto the ground.

The bouquet of roses he had wrapped himself was deeply buried in the sand. She regretted it right away, but she didn’t apologize. If she apologized, it would mean Eila was in the wrong.

Yet Eila had not done anything wrong. She had merely protested against the kids who had been calling her a yellow monkey up until then, and similarly, she had just protested against Rayburn, who brought pink roses this time.

Many thoughts raced through her mind. What was Rayburn thinking right now? Did Rayburn consider Eila a yellow monkey like them?

In an instant, the sorrow she had bottled up welled over, and tears dropped down. Stumbling as she looked at the pink petals scattered miserably on the ground, Eila ran away into the house.

She watched Rayburn through the living room window. He stood endlessly, looking down at the discarded flowers.

His small back, looking as though he had lost the whole world, stabbed straight into Eila’s heart. His back was surely weeping sorrowfully.

Only then did she realize that something was wrong, though she didn’t know what it was. So, unable to run straight out to him, she opened the window and shouted in person for him to love Eila again, to understand her.

“Rayburn, come here and hug me and I’ll forgive you.”

Rayburn shifted his body as if trying to approach, but the old butler blocked his path. Dropping his head low, Rayburn asked the butler.

“Are the roses I brought a different color from the roses in the yard?”

“……”

“Butler, give me a straight answer….”

Without making any answers, the butler knelt on one knee and wiped away Rayburn’s tears. Rayburn’s face as she saw it at that moment was like an angel whose soul had been trampled on.

“Let’s head back to the main house for now.”

The butler had Rayburn get into the car, climbed in right after him, and closed the car door. Watching that scene through the glass window, Eila rushed out the moment the sedan started moving and shouted.

“Rayburn, Rayburn! Next week, you’re coming next week, right? See you next week! Make sure to come next week!”

Before long, Eila wailed like a child whose friend was being snatched away by a villain. Hearing those sounds, her mom came running out, but Eila had no choice but to desperately clutch the abandoned bouquet and sob.

It was only after the weekend had passed that Eila explained the situation, and her mom let her know the fact that Rayburn had even been diagnosed with blue-yellow color blindness. Her mom added that she needed to offer a sincere apology for her bizarre behavior of trampling the flowers Rayburn had gifted.

Since she was already deeply regretting it in her heart, apologizing wasn’t an issue. She just couldn’t stop crying out of pity for the fact that even if Rayburn successfully finished his vision correction surgery, he wouldn’t be able to see yellow autumn foliage, yellow flowers, or beautiful sunsets.

From that day on, Rayburn did not appear. Her mom let her know that Rayburn had gone abroad to undergo surgery, but Eila figured he couldn’t show up because he hadn’t been able to heal his emotional wounds. So she waited for Rayburn every week in the sand pit and wrote writings of self-reproach in the sand.

A cowardly Eila ended up hurting Rayburn to protect her own scars.

Waiting for him to show up again, she went to charity bazaars with her mom every weekend. Blue-yellow color blindness was said to let people see green and red clearly. Eila bought red and green clothes with the desire to show him colors he could fully see on the day he appeared.

However, Rayburn did not appear, and Eila grew taller year by year; as the years repeated, green and red clothes piled up in Eila’s closet.

According to her mom, Rayburn had successfully finished his surgery and recovered his sight. If so, it seemed like he would come see Eila at least once. Eila waited for Rayburn in the sand pit day after day.

Her school friends called her a Christmas tree, but she didn’t care. She just thought it would be nice if every single day was Christmas. Then Rayburn wouldn’t have to feel her flaws….

Eila gradually erased yellow from her life. And she voluntarily owned nothing yellow. Because yellow was a color symbolizing Rayburn’s flaw and Eila’s inferiority complex.

It was on her high school graduation day that Eila embraced yellow in her arms once again. A bouquet of yellow roses sent from an anonymous person. Neat handwriting was written on a yellow note.

To my eternal baby sister. Sincerest congratulations on becoming an adult.

It was unmistakably a note sent by Rayburn.

Seeing that note, Eila sobbed and wandered around the graduation venue.

She searched and searched again with her eyes for a petite white man in his mid-twenties, but because too much time had flowed by, she couldn’t recognize him at a glance.

Returning home, she rubbed her swollen eyes and prepared a response. Flowers that Rayburn could see clearly. It was a bouquet of roses made by folding green origami paper with painstaking care.

Only after passing that bouquet to him through her mom did she learn the floriography of green roses.

Impossibility, something that cannot be obtained.

A foolish Eila might have hurt Rayburn all over again.