Chapter 87

Vespera couldn’t for the life of his identify this feeling. He was simply annoyed by someone loitering around her. Even Aidan, and that guy Lukan or whoever who pretended to be friendly with her.

There were times she even acted in ways he couldn’t rationalize. When his mentor asked whether she had a lover, he pricked up her ears and checked whether she fit that criterion. He felt sick when he saw a date invitation being accepted while he was briefly away, busy at the royal social event. He even went so far as to demand overtime under the pretense of work cooperation to prevent the date.

‘I’m insane.’

She highly valued leaving work on time, and while he secretly liked that she was willing to help, this wasn’t right. Even he thought it was pathetic. He wasn’t in his right mind.

Unable to resolve it himself, he went to seek help. To Those Who Can’t Resign.

Those Who Can’t Resign was a place mostly for unloading workplace worries. Someone called ‘Master Quokka’ listened well and gave perfectly tailored advice for the time and situation, so it was trusted.

He’d been shocked after learning the reality behind the overtime recently, but thanks to it he could understand his subordinates much better.

Although it wasn’t a work problem, he thought that someone there might understand what this was.

“That feeling you just described sounds like romantic feelings~?”

His heart dropped. He had never considered that direction. He wasn’t interested in romance and had never experienced it. In fact, many of the opposite sex showed interest without effort. That was why he hid his looks when going out. It was tiresome. He was even less intrigued by the opposite sex because of it.

Many nobles wanted to link their houses without him seeking them out. In any case he believed marriage was nothing more and nothing less than a political relationship arranged by one’s family.

So Vespera found it all the more hard to believe Master Quokka’s assessment.

“How can you be so sure of that?”

He snapped back sharply, but the reply—sounding almost disdainful—left him deflated.

“Then think about it. Have you ever felt uplifted and happy just talking to that person, or wondered what they’re doing when you don’t see them, thought they’re cute, or felt suddenly upset and anxious when another man approached them—have you ever felt any of that?”

It was as if Master Quokka had opened his mind and pinpointed the very doubts he had; he was speechless, unable to shout no. He said he’d think about it, but inwardly he denied it.

He comforted himself that this feeling would quiet down with time.

But he was the type to act quickly.

“I think this will be difficult going forward.”

“…What?”

“Rather than making other teams’ staff work overtime like this, I think it would be better to bring a reliable subordinate into the Ministry of Justice. You know I, unlike the Supreme Justice, consider life after work important now.”

Before he could sort out his feelings, she methodically countered the work-cooperation excuse and bade farewell. When she greeted and left first, his mind could only think: he mustn’t let her go like this—he had to hold on to her.

Only when he hurriedly ran after her and called out did he realize. In the dark corridor, the sight of her turning around filled his vision with light. He could only acknowledge it with his heart, not his head.

“…What will you do if you leave early?”

He wanted to say anything to hold her a little longer.

“I’m going on a date with my boyfriend.”

His heart tumbled. Knowing that made it hit him even harder.

‘…Did she have a lover? Surely not him.’

Thinking of that man from the royal gathering, he tried to soften his words as much as possible, but this was all that came out.

“I’m going to make one now. By leaving early.”

It felt like surfacing for air after plunging into deep water. Her single sentence made his mood swing. But it wasn’t bad. Now he knew why.

“I like you.”

So he could smile comfortably now.

She panicked and hurriedly left. Acting so impulsively wasn’t like him. But in that moment he felt he had to speak. It was his beastly instinct.

But he didn’t want to see her suffer over this. His feelings were his, and hers were hers.

From his experience of having observed her carefully—albeit unintentionally—he believed she had never considered him as an object of romantic interest.

‘This face everyone praised is useless after all.’

There wasn’t even a trace of affection in the eyes of the person who mattered. So when he received a sign of rejection his heart hurt, but he showed as little of it as possible. He understood her. He had worried about the class gap, but he liked that she expressed herself clearly.

‘I’ll work to gradually get closer from now on.’

Everyone had called him a genius since childhood, but much of his success came from a tenacious, persistent nature added to basic talent. If effort is talent, he was naturally gifted in that regard.

So he intended to wait. He was arrogant, yes, but realistic and strategic. From the moment he realized his feelings, there was no giving up. He had no intention of letting go of the intense desire to win someone’s heart for the first time. He merely planned to fend off the men lingering by her side and stay close without being overbearing.

‘I should meet Master Quokka.’

She would surely give appropriate advice. Since she had helped him avoid losing the person he liked in vain, he decided to have his butler prepare a gift to bring.

But he didn’t want to be by her side like that.

Looking at her frozen on the bed, Vespera cursed herself.

‘You bastard, knowing how crazy he is.’

It seemed he was annoyed by the exposure of corruption in the main road construction and the proposal of the noble asset registration system. The Emperor, intending to protect her in his own way, publicly praised her more, and Vespera and her mentor judged that solidifying their position like this was for the best, but it was too late.

When he heard from Secretary Lucius that the Crown Prince had summoned her, his blood ran cold all over. He pictured the moment she arrived and he had brought the carriage up to her lips.

‘If it’s too late… I don’t even want to imagine it.’

He clenched the sheet until it seemed it would tear. Even if she hadn’t been killed, it would certainly have been dangerous. The withered flower indicated his intuition had been accurate. The Crown Prince was a subhuman who’d play such pranks without a second thought.

And all of that stemmed from his inferiority complex toward him. The work Cornelia had handled brought credit not only to the Chancellery but even to the Ministry of Justice which he headed.

‘If he finds out I confessed, it’ll get even more dangerous.’

She was the first person he’d loved. Looking at her like this, he wondered if he could ever give up. Could he pretend not to care, feign indifference, or act oblivious even when she said she was scared coming out to the terrace at midnight—would he let the Crown Prince test that?

‘Obviously. I’ll go crazy and head out.’

He couldn’t help but snort at how predictable his own actions would be. So there was only one choice he could make.

“Don’t worry. I’ll protect you.”

I won’t run away, and I won’t let her run away either. That was all.

As soon as I returned, I ate a quick dinner and, tired, told them I’d go to bed early and went up to my room.

Thud.

No sooner had the door closed than I sank down a few steps from exhaustion. The events of the past few days were overwhelming to me.

Just when I thought things had settled, another incident happened; when I thought it was okay, yet another incident. I barely steadied myself and tried to fill myself with determination, but learning the identity of the person I’d been curious about pushed me to my limit.

‘Since when? Where? How? Did he know me from the start? Did he know everything?’

Questions nested one after another. He wouldn’t have planned a calculated approach to some country girl whose name he didn’t even know. It must have been several coincidences repeated that led to now.

But if this was the beginning, he thought the Duke’s feelings might be larger than he’d imagined.

I’m not a fool. And I know that I currently feel rational affection toward the Duke.

“But all of that… what good does it do…?”

When I raised my head, the full-length mirror beside the bed reflected me. A look of despair and misery.

A cute woman with black hair streaked with brown, snow-white and gaunt. A face I had grown used to but had never thought of as mine. A body whose original soul had departed.

“Sob. Sob…”

Tears I’d been holding back burst forth like a dam breaking.

A life in this body with no promise of duration. It could return at any time, or perhaps flow into another body. I didn’t want to be hurt or to give love that would be taken away. So I didn’t want to create close relationships. I knew too well how those left behind would feel.

But perhaps because I had been lonely in my previous life, I couldn’t refuse the affection offered. Cautiously, people who opened their hearts to me even a little began to appear.

Just when I wondered if that was okay, the Duke confessed. Very sincerely.

I couldn’t answer him.

‘Because it’s false from the shell outward.’

I couldn’t say I liked him.

‘Because I don’t know when I’ll disappear.’

So must I live like this for the rest of my life?

Things I had thought nothing of became painfully terrifying when they actually confronted me. If the original soul returned to this body, what would they think? Would they be unaffected?

I hated this and I hated that.

What would become of me next? It was a string of unanswered questions.

I could do nothing but sob quietly.

“Coco, are you okay? Why are you crying?”

It was Aidan’s voice.

When had he come in? I didn’t want to answer.

“If you cry that sadly, I want to cry too. Won’t you tell me what’s hard?”

After a long while I could barely answer.

“Just… life, living, it’s hard.”

He reached toward the door briefly, then lowered his hand and said.

“No one can come in. Cry. Coco.”

As if that were the signal, I cried my heart out, and Aidan no longer asked questions and simply patted me.