She… Doesn’t Want Me

His girl didn’t like dressing up, or putting on makeup, or wearing things in her hair. Instead, she loved going in and out of the coffin home and was extremely interested in the dead…

How could he have forgotten?

How could he have forgotten completely!

Zhao Zhi held Song Caitang’s hand tightly and refused to let go. He stared unblinkingly at her and refused to turn away too.

Song Caitang was a little stunned by his behavior and took a while before she broke into a bright and comforting smile, then placed her free hand on his forehead.

“You’re not feverish. Do you want to drink some water?”

She turned as though to pour him some water and tried to slip her hand out of his grip at the same time, but he seemed to have noticed.

He immediately tightened his grasp around her hand.

His gaze was also still as focused on her as before.

Song Caitang sighed.

“I didn’t expect you to be so needy when you’re ill, Mr. Surveillance Commissioner,” said Song Caitang in a teasing voice as she glanced at their hands with an amused look in her eyes.

He knew what she was driving at.

His girl had always been very clever. When she was trying to comfort another person, she would give them a lot of space and not make them feel awkward. When she was trying to distance herself, she would find a good way to switch the topic without making things awkward for herself.

Song Caitang was basically saying that she only wanted to be friends with him.

She did not probe him or ask for any reason. She just made it look like he was behaving like this merely because he was ill.

But he didn’t want that.

He didn’t want to be just friends with her.

“I had a nightmare earlier.”

He continued holding her hand and did not let go at all.

His gaze seemed to be ablaze too.

It was as though… he had made some decision of sorts, or he was determined to make sure nothing and nobody could get in the way. He was moving forward regardless!

“I know,” Song Caitang shut her eyes and sighed quietly. “What was your dream about?”

Zhao Zhi stared at her and emphasized every word, “I dreamed about a girl.”

Song Caitang burst out laughing. “You were so frightened when you dreamed about this girl? Gosh, she must look terrifying!”

Her reaction successfully stunned him speechless.

She went on, “And you like her?”

Zhao Zhi stared straight at her. “Yes. She’s as important as my life to me.”

His palm was sweating as he continued staring at Song Caitang. He felt this inexplicable nervousness inside him, as though he was a criminal awaiting sentencing.

He felt that… Song Caitang should know by now.

“I guess that’s just your taste in women,” Song Caitang did not judge him or respond to him but just went on very seriously like they were discussing a case. “A good man ought to be responsible at all times, even if she’s ugly or she’s a frightening character. Since you say you like her, then you must always remember to be good to her, you hear me?”

Zhao Zhi blinked. “I…”

“You know, we’re the last few people of our generation who are good looking,” said Song Caitang dramatically before tilting her head to look at him. “I’m good looking, right?”

Zhao Zhi nodded.

And then he realized he had fallen into her trap again.

She had described the person he liked as someone with terrifying looks and he did not deny it. Now, by agreeing that Song Caitang was good looking, it meant that Song Caitang couldn’t be this girl.

Of course, it wasn’t as if he couldn’t take the time to explain things to her, but Song Caitang clearly didn’t want to continue this topic.

If he insisted, she would get angry.

But he really didn’t want to let go of the topic just like that.

He continued holding her hand and pursed his lips tightly. “She… doesn’t want me.”

He actually sounded genuinely aggrieved.

Song Caitang blinked, then blinked again. This man was clearly taking advantage of the situation, like a nasty guy trying to get close to a girl by pretending to be harmless, so that she wouldn’t bear to just slap him across the face.

She had no choice but to change course.

“But you didn’t get the girl, huh.”

Her terminology was a little modern, but Zhao Zhi knew what she meant and looked even more depressed. “Yeah.”

It was rare to see a depressed person still look this bold and confident.

But Song Caitang had plenty of tricks up her sleeve.

“In that case, it’s better that you don’t talk to me about such things.”

Song Caitang smiled gently and sounded like she was trying to give him well meaning advice, “When it comes to love, every woman hopes to be special. She would want the relationship to be pure and genuine, and she would want to be the first to hear the other party confess. there are some things that I’d advise you to keep to yourself until the day you can tell her these things face to face.”

“But…”

You’re her!

Song Caitang smiled sweetly and cut him off, “If I knew someone had feelings for me and instead of telling me straight, he went to tell another girl about it… I’d be very unhappy about that.”

Zhao Zhi’s fingers stiffened up.

Of course you wouldn’t be happy about that. Not only would you be unhappy, but you might even throw a tantrum and hit me.

“By the way, we’re reaching the capital soon. Do you remember what you promised me? I can count on you for that, right?” Song Caitang spoke very casually, but her words almost killed him. “You were the one who said you’d help me to find a good man to marry.”

Her words were like a lightning bolt from nowhere, striking Zhao Zhi so hard, his soul nearly flew out of his body and he forgot who he was for a second.

No! He didn’t say that! NO!

Which idiot would have patted his own chest and boasted about his judgment of other men! Which idiot promised Song Caitang he’d find her a good man to marry!

Song Caitang seized this chance to quickly pull her hand out of his grip.

“Rest well, I’ll go back to my room to sleep for a while.”

He had barely registered what she said before realizing she was out of the room already.

Zhao Zhi covered his face with his face and looked rather dejected.

Every time he had to deal with her, regardless of whether it was when she was younger or older, it seemed like he would always lose. He never won.

Despite being taller than her, older than her, more experienced than her, with exposure to palace politics and war tactics, somehow he just couldn’t…

But after moping for a while, his lips curled into a faint smile again.

That was his girl after all.

She was someone who was often unaware of her own feelings and did not fall in love easily. But she was very clever, so his advances couldn’t have gone completely unnoticed by now. She was deflecting his advances because she didn’t want to talk about it.

She had also forgotten everything and could not recall, or perhaps… she didn’t want to recall.

If that was the case, then he should not push her too hard.

Since he could make her fall for him the first time, he could make her fall for him a second time!

Song Caitang had already slept more than enough earlier and wasn’t sleepy at all. She walked briskly to her study, shut the door and leaned heavily against it as she took a deep breath.

She had just… bullied Zhao Zhi.

She had purposely avoided his questions, changed the topic and pretended not to know what he was driving at.

And she had done that because she knew that he wouldn’t get angry with her. What she had done would upset him but not herself.

That made her sound a little despicable, actually.

But her heart was really in a mess.

Unfortunately, some words couldn’t be taken back. She couldn’t even understand her own heart.

Zhao Zhi was not someone who wore his heart on his sleeve and would not talk about many things or express what he thought of things. She hadn’t noticed anything, but in recent days… she started noticing that something was amiss.

From their time together at the Night Sanctum until now, every time they were alone together, every time they talked, Zhao Zhi seemed to be hinting at something. His tone of voice, his gaze – he wasn’t hiding anymore.

Even if she was an idiot, she would be able to tell that Zhao Zhi did not see her as just a friend.

And when she thought more carefully about it, she realized that this didn’t happen overnight. There were tell tale signs earlier on.

When they were in Luanze, Zhao Zhi had probably purposely hid his emotions or held himself back. The way he looked at her and the things he said to her from time to time seemed to imply something more, including what happened that final night when he suddenly left Luanze in a hurry without saying a word.

Unfortunately, she hadn’t noticed anything. She hadn’t detected a thing.

She walked to the table and drank a cup of tea. After she had calmed down, she continued to think through this matter slowly.

She began to take this whole thing apart, broke it into its smallest pieces and thought about every single detail right from the start.

Zhao Zhi’s feelings for her probably grew slowly over time. That final night after they had closed the last case, when their bodies touched by accident for just a moment, he had run away in a panic. He was probably telling himself that he could not allow himself to go on like this.

But since he had decided to leave and forget about it, why did he come back?

And he had become so… smitten with her, as though they had had a relationship in the past that he couldn’t throw aside.

Song Caitang wasn’t only feeling confused but also a little scared.

She possessed some memories where she couldn’t recall the details, but she knew the person who lived in this body before seemed to have had a very fulfilling life. Of course, she was curious, but… that was another person’s life and memories. Not hers.

Did she really have to bear the weight of this body’s previous owner’s past, her loves, her enemies, her feuds?

If one day, she found out what had happened in the past, or someone from the past returned, would she be the same person as the previous owner of this body? Would she, the modern day Song Caitang, still exist?

Did she become the previous Song Caitang? Or did the previous Song Caitang become her?

She had a feeling that this matter would stir up a bigger storm. Even more things and people would be involved.

She had to examine her heart and think very carefully. She could not make rash moves before she had sorted out how she really felt and decided what she really wanted to do.

After thinking about it for a long time, she felt that it was true that rejecting him like this was a little cruel and she felt bad for him. But if she didn’t give it proper thought and just agreed to be with him because she felt bad, that… would be even worse. That would be extremely unkind to him.

He was not the type who would be casual about such matters. He deserved someone who would take his opinions and feelings seriously.

In any case, thinking about all of this seemed rather pointless. She couldn’t recall any of the memories from this body’s past life

She let out a long sigh as she stared at the tea on the table that had gone cold.

That’s why sometimes, the less you know, the better. Ignorance is bliss.

Perhaps one day, when she could remember the past, she might also let out a similar sigh. Perhaps being unable to remember anything was a blessing.

The ship continued to sail slowly, the water splashing quietly against the side. Everything was calm and pleasant.

Song Caitang concluded that time would eventually give her all the answers she was looking for.

In no time, the ship arrived at the pier at the capital. They had to get off the ship and wait for a horse carriage.

It was time to say goodbye.

After that storm, Zhao Zhi did not get emotional again. Song Caitang did not mention what happened and did not respond to his advances, so he did not mention it again. He just stood quietly by the side, helping when help was needed and did what needed to be done. He did not force her to speak to him or attempt to confess his feelings for her again.

But sometimes, his gaze and his actions would reveal certain things that others might not understand, but she would. He didn’t hide it or cover it up, but he didn’t need her to respond immediately or anything like that.

It seemed as though… he was also waiting for time to resolve this. He was going to keep working hard and wait for her to sort things out and make a decision.

Interaction between them became comfortable again.

“I have to return to the palace first, if you need anything just get someone to leave me a message…”
“Don’t bother to look Qi Yan up or respond to him. He’s known to be a wastrel around here, so if you get too close to him, he’ll ruin your reputation too.”
“You can visit Old Madam Li if you want, but you must not stay there overnight. With a grandson like Wen Yuansi, if you stay the night, rumors might fly..”
“We’re in Bianliang and not Luanze, so if anybody dares to bully you, just tell them you know me. Don’t give in to them.”

When they were about to part ways, Zhao Zhi’s silence suddenly turned into nagging. He seemed to have a million things to say.

Song Caitang just stared wordlessly at him.

Thankfully, Guan Wan came to her rescue again.

“Cousin, look! That’s our carriage! Uncle is here to pick us up!”

Song Caitang turned to look.

The carriage Guan Wan was pointing at did have the Guan family emblem on its side.

So… that was her uncle?