Zhao Zhi’s Memories

Zhao Zhi’s fainting shocked Song Caitang.

He fainted leaning forward, so she tried to catch him but wasn’t strong enough, so they both ended up lying on the floor.

“Zhao Zhi?”

She put a hand on his forehead, then took his pulse and checked his general well being.

He wasn’t hurt, he wasn’t bleeding, his breathing was even and calm, his pulse was strong.

She slowly breathed a sigh of relief.

The ship was in chaos earlier because of the storm, and while the rain was lighter and the situation on board was under control, they weren’t fully out of danger yet. There was definitely a doctor onboard, but after all that chaos earlier, there would be people who would need medical attention. The doctor was probably very busy right now.

Zhao Zhi… didn’t look like he was hurt or ill. He looked more like he had fainted from fright.

Like he was suddenly relieved after a period of extreme tension and his body finally collapsed.

But at least it wasn’t anything serious.

He had to change out of these wet clothes, however.

Also, it would be best to get him some warm soup that could help his body to relax.

As she thought about these things, she did her best to push him off her.

She had always known that he was a tall man, but he was quite slim, so she couldn’t understand why she simply couldn’t get him to move! What in the world did this man eat?!

She felt like he was going to flatten her at this rate.

“Someone! Anyone! Help!”

Thankfully, Guan Wan was concerned about her and had come over. “Cousin!”

She ordered the servants to quickly carry Zhao Zhi away before she ran over to help Song Caitang to sit up. Her eyes were wide and round. “What’s happened to him?”

“He’s going to be fine, he’s just really tired. Get someone to change his clothes and feed him some warm soup…”

Guan Wan nodded and gave the servants orders to carry Zhao Zhi back to his room and get him a change of clothes. Then she turned back to Song Caitang, “What about you? Are you alright?”

“I’m alright, I just need to change into some dry clothes.” But Song Caitang was still worried about Zhao Zhi. “I’ve got to get changed, then go over and take a look at him.”

Guan Wan never stopped anybody from showing another person concern, and furthermore, Zhao Zhi had collapsed because he had been busy saving everyone on board…

After she inspected her cousin and confirmed that she was fine, she left Song Caitang alone and turned to walk out of the room. “Everyone is still busy clearing the mess outside, so I’ll boil the soup you need, since I’m an expert anyway. It won’t take long, I’ll be back with soup soon!”

She thought to herself, Cousin’s clothes are all wet too and she must have been frightened earlier, so I’d better make some soup for her too.

The rooms were quickly tied up and cleaned, the overturned furniture were placed upright again, broken items were cleared and any water in the rooms were wiped with a dry cloth. The incense lamp was lit and emanated a soothing smell, a small basin of charcoal burned quietly near the bed and the bed had fresh, warm and dry sheets.

The idyllic scene made even the sound of the waves outside slowly grow softer and gentler. One would hardly notice it.

Song Caitang pulled aside the green curtain around the bed and sat on the edge as she tried to feed Zhao Zhi the soup that Guan Wan had prepared.

But even though Zhao Zhi wasn’t severely ill and could swallow without any problem, he kept his teeth tightly clenched and absolutely refused to let anything in.

And when she tried again, he even started trembling.

There was something wrong.

Song Caitang put the bowl down as she scanned his furrowed brows, his pursed lips, his clenched fists…

There was something very wrong.

Her brows were slightly furrowed as she took hold of Zhao Zhi’s hand, “Zhao Zhi, it’s me, Song Caitang.”

What was he afraid of?

The sound of the water? Or… was he having a nightmare?

Zhao Zhi was indeed deep in a dream.

His past was as clear yet ephemeral as the reflection of the moon in the river, or the flowers in a mirror.

Someone was in bloodstained clothes, their weapon stabbed in the ground as they knelt on the ground and pleaded through tears, “Commandery Prince, you have to leave this place immediately!”

Another looked depressed, tears pouring down their face as they stared at him with a sad expression. “Zhi-gege, do you not like Xiaoxue?”

Another came to him with a bowl of warm soup, smiling dotingly at him as they persuaded him to drink the soup, “Be good, drink this and everything will be fine…”

The hand holding the bowl had such slim, fair and clean fingers that looked like they belonged to a young woman. Those fingers were so slim and didn’t look like they had any strength at all, yet he couldn’t move away from them.

He used all his strength but still failed to dodge them.

The soup was medicine, but it wasn’t bitter, just a little off. From then on, life seemed surreal.

He was more relaxed than he had ever been. And more lost than he had ever been.

Having nothing to do all day felt terrible and he didn’t even want to look at his face in the mirror. Every day was boring until… he met her.

She looked around 12 or 13, a small sized girl who hadn’t reached her full height yet, but she was already very pretty. Her eyes were as beautiful as a painting and they sparkled like the surface of a lake, as though they contained all the energy of the world in them. It was impossible to look away from her eyes.

But she was clearly displeased with him. She raised one eyebrow and looked as sly as a little fox. “You want the person who saved your life to call you ‘gege’? And you don’t feel the slightest bit embarrassed about that?”

Despite being unhappy about that, she was still a kind girl at heart. After she discovered him in the forest covered in wounds, she brought him home.

She wasn’t very good at taking care of the ill, so she treated him like any other guest. She prepared a table of food and even got a bottle of wine, saying that she wanted him to try the local wine.

He was used to getting injured and wasn’t too bothered by his injuries. But he looked suspiciously at the young woman. “You know how to drink?”

She patted her chest with a smug look on her face. “Tsk! This wine is good stuff! I’m good at this!”

And so, he believed her and poured her a small cup. In the end…

She smiled and drank half the cup before her eyes rolled to the back and she collapsed onto the table.

He got beaten up by her father after that.

From then on, he remembered that he must never let her drink again.

On the night before Lunar New Year, the night when families would gather for reunion dinner, he sat on the high rooftop and looked down at the brightly lit houses below. There were so many houses, yet he belonged to none of them.

Before he could feel the full weight of sadness overcome him, she climbed the ladder unsteadily onto the rooftop. Her thick coat made her look like a fat little bear.

He asked her, “Why aren’t you keeping your counting down to the new year with your father?”

She replied, “Won’t you be all by yourself if I did that?”

She clambered over and wiped away the snow on her hands. “You poor little thing. Aren’t you sitting here, pretending to be aloof and unbothered, precisely because you’re hoping some kind soul would come over and show you some concern?”

Her words angered him.

But her watery eyes were so earnest and so bright, brighter than the houses below. For some reason, he couldn’t help but feel a softness in his heart, as though a feather had gently caressed it.

But she wasn’t done making him angry. She said with a straight face, “But I’m not a kind soul. I’m a hard hearted girl who isn’t going to show any concern or offer you a hug or anything like that.”

Then why was she even here?!

She cupped her chin and sighed with a frustrated look on her face. “But what else can I do? My dad’s dead drunk and has fallen asleep, so there’s no point staying downstairs… Don’t misunderstand, I’m just up here to look at the snowy scenery. I’m not here to accompany you. You’re such a woodblock anyway.”

He suddenly felt that…

…his heart was now beating differently from before.

All of a sudden, the dream changed. The ground was covered in sand, fire lit the sky, there was fighting and blood everywhere, the ground was covered with dead bodies. She had gone from being an adorable and lively girl to one who knew how to cry.

She bit him angrily and did not let go even though he was bleeding. “You are not allowed to go after other girls! Not for the rest of your life!”

The next moment, she shut her eyes and smiled faintly. “Forget it. If I die, I think you’d better find someone better looking than me, someone more capable than me. Otherwise I’d feel so indignant.”

At the end of his dream, she had grown a lot taller and a lot thinner. Her clothes were a mess and her hair was disheveled, but the glow in her eyes still burned brightly.

There was blood on her face. Her cracked lips parted as she said to him, “You must keep living… and live well.”

After that, she leaped into the water without hesitation.

The waters were… deep and dark, so he couldn’t see anything. After she jumped in, she never surfaced again.

All of this had started with that bowl of soup!

Zhao Zhi clenched his teeth tightly and told himself that he must not drink the soup.

He must not drink it!

Zhao Zhi suddenly grabbed hold of Song Caitang’s hand so hard that it really hurt. She quickly patted his chest and said quietly, “Zhao Zhi, it’s me, Song Caitang…”

She knew that when one was high strung, they might not notice what the people around them were saying, so she repeated that phrase several times.

Song… Caitang?

Zhao Zhi froze for a moment as though his subconscious finally realized who was next to him and he slowly relaxed again.

“Zhao Zhi… you had a bad scare just now and you need to take some soup. Won’t you let me feed you the soup?”

She repeated herself in a gentle voice many times, like she was coaxing a child. He finally fully relaxed and opened his mouth.

By the time she finished feeding him the soup, she started perspiring.

Thankfully, she managed to accomplish what she came here to do.

Song Caitang walked toward the door to pass the soup bowl to the servants outside the room when she heard what they were talking about.

“The surveillance commissioner looks like he’s in a bad state. I think we should get him an amulet and light a lantern for him at Zhaoze Temple.”

“Zhaoze Temple? Is it the same one I’m thinking of?”

“And how many Zhaoze Temples are there in the capital? How many have plenty of incense burning and can protect the surveillance commissioner? Of course it’s that one!”

“Oh… Then I think you’re right, we should go. But I heard that Zhaoze Temple has organized a lot of activities because of Amitabh’s Sacred Birthday on the 7th day of the 11th month and it’ll be very crowded. I’m afraid he might not be able to get in, so he shouldn’t go…”

Everyone was sincerely concerned about Zhao Zhi, so Song Caitang didn’t chide them for being silly or tell them that he was actually perfectly fine. She gave them the bowl, then went back into the room and sat down on the edge of the bed next to him.

Guan Wan told her earlier that once he had finished the soup, he would sleep for some time, so she didn’t have to watch over him and she could return to her room to sleep.

But it was already the middle of the night and this was the time she was usually awake. Since she would probably have trouble sleeping, she decided to just stick around.

Most of the time, regardless of whether she had enough sleep or not, or whether she had slept well or not, she would definitely wake up at this hour and not feel sleepy at all. But today, her eyelids felt so heavy. She was so tired, yet she didn’t notice it at all.

Before she knew it, she had fallen asleep next to Zhao Zhi.

And her hand was still holding his.

She had fallen asleep without even realizing it and she had fallen into a deep and long sleep.

There were some people who believed that one’s dreams at night were influenced by what they did during the day. Perhaps it was because she had just gone through a rough storm, or perhaps she had been deeply affected by Ye Nan and Liao Xingjian’s love – her dreams turned out very strange. They were suddenly dangerous, and suddenly heartwarming.

There were scenes where she was on the brink of death, where people died, where she felt touched, where she missed someone, where she felt overwhelmed.

That dream covered everything.

But they did not leave a deep impression on her.

It was just like she was just watching from afar, watching this happen to other people, watching the joy and sadness of another person.

When she woke up, she forgot what her dream was about in an instant. She didn’t even have vague memories of it. Her heart didn’t ache and she didn’t feel sad. Only the tearstains on her face proved that she had had such a dream.

She couldn’t help but feel that love was a cruel thing.

True love were two words that carried great weight, but they never seemed to end well. Unlike Ye Nan, she… would rather regret not having loved at all.

Wasn’t it better to live life without all that pain?

Why would anyone want to be in love? Or even try?

When she raised her head, her eyes met Zhao Zhi’s.

His eyes were very black, his pupils like the eternally dark universe, like the calm before a storm, as though it was hiding something incredible. She could not touch it or go near, or else… she might be swallowed up!