Chapter 20

For now, these were items that had been buried about three years ago, so they might still be edible if they were well-frozen. Felix asked, sounding skeptical.

“Wouldn’t the problem just be solved if you came outside the barrier with me?”

“Rather, it would have been a problem solved if you just left by yourself.”

“You’re here, aren’t you? How am I supposed to just leave by myself?”

“I’m comfortable here.”

“You, who hate the cold so much, are comfortable here?”

“I’m comfortable.”

“Don’t lie. Is it really comfortable to be in a gloomy place where sunlight barely reaches, with no one to talk to, just playing still-life in the corner of the room? To my eyes, it looks like escapism.”

“That’s why you’re an ignorant human.”

“What? You’re saying I can only see what’s visible?”

“Yes.”

“Fine, you’re so smart.”

“Yes, I am smart.”

I replied confidently and turned around. Then, Felix stood up and followed me.

“Why are you coming out?”

“I’m going with you.”

“Why don’t you just rest if you’re hungry?”

I was worried he might wander around for no reason, get even hungrier, and collapse.

“You were like that back then too, but how frail do you think I am usually?”

He chuckled to himself as he spoke, then quickly covered his mouth, surprised. I pretended not to notice and changed the subject.

“Is there anything you want to eat?”

I said I would look for whatever he requested and headed into the snow first. Felix followed, answering that he didn’t have anything in particular.

“As long as I can fill my stomach, that’s enough.”

At those words, I was reminded of his younger self, who would hold food scraps in his hand and tell me he ate things like that every day. It might be a painful memory for him, so I wouldn’t say it out loud, but perhaps because of that memory, I wanted to feed Felix decent food as much as possible.

I glanced back at him as he followed. Felix immediately met my gaze. I looked forward again. Now that I saw him, his features didn’t seem that different from when he was young. I wondered why I hadn’t recognized him at all when we met a few years ago, but I quickly understood. It was highly likely that my brain function was lower then than it is now.

Seeing that Felix hadn’t said anything, he must not have remembered me either, right? It wouldn’t have been as bad as it was for Felix, whose life itself was hard, but that period was a sort of dark age for me too, so perhaps it’s fortunate that he doesn’t know.

“Ah, I found a carrot.”

I held the dried, frozen-solid carrot in both hands and lifted it high toward Felix. Look at this!

He burst into laughter immediately. Then, after catching his breath for a moment, he said.

“Ah… really, this isn’t a situation to be laughing at. It’s so absurd that I just end up laughing.”

“Why is it absurd?”

“The fact that I’m fully grown and still wandering around looking for food like this. It’s just funny.”

“Really? It’s better than being sad.”

“Is that so?”

“Of course. If you can laugh, you’re still doing well enough to live.”

That evening, I boiled carrot soup for Felix. Since seasonings remained in the castle’s kitchen, I could balance the flavor.

Felix ate all the soup without a word, but I wasn’t entirely satisfied.

After he finished his meal and cleaned up, he spoke to me, as I was lost in thought.

“What are you thinking about so deeply?”

“I’m bothered by the fact that you’re eating such meager food.”

“Then just come out with me. Once I’m out, I’ll eat something good, too.”

“…No.”

“Hey. What on earth are you hiding?”

“…”

“Why can’t you escape from here? If you leave, does the world collapse or something?”

“I don’t know about that, but the possibility is quite high.”

He was speechless for a moment, his mouth agape, then suddenly calmed down and lowered his voice.

“…Really?”

“I thought you’d ask if I was joking.”

“Are you joking?”

“It’s not a joke, though.”

Felix looked at me with a troubled expression and said.

“You know, I don’t have any mysterious powers, so I don’t really understand ambiguous words or interpretations.”

“I suppose so.”

“I’ll try my best to understand, so tell me.”

I don’t know why I suddenly felt like telling Felix. If it were just yesterday, I would have just glossed over it. This is why I feel it’s not good the longer I spend time with him.

I felt like I would become lonely if he were to disappear someday.

“I’m tired.”

I stood up as if to run away.

After lying on the bed and rolling around for a bit, I glanced at Felix; he was sitting quietly in a chair, looking at the floor. He was expressionless, lost in thought. I tapped the bed noisily. Only then did Felix come to his senses and look up.

I rolled my eyes toward the ceiling and threw out a very cheesy line.

“I’m tired, so why don’t we lie down and talk?”

“…”

“…If you’re not tired, you can just keep sitting there.”

I turned over and lay down. I was extremely conscious of what kind of look he might be giving me from behind, but I pretended to be indifferent.

Ugh, that was a disaster. So embarrassing.

I regretted it as soon as I came back to my senses.

It was obvious that to Felix, the “real” Iel felt dead or half-dead, so why on earth did I do that?

To him, I—who have expanded far beyond who I was back then—must feel like something monstrous. Like a parasitic creature that swallowed the original Iel and took over the host.

I know. It’s natural for Felix to feel that way about me right now, as ordinary people often feel discomfort toward things they can’t understand.

However, even knowing that, when I keep interacting with him this closely, there are times when I want to hope. It’s not like feeling those kinds of emotions will do me any good.

I don’t want to expend my emotions trying to make him understand me when I know it won’t work. But if I keep staying like this, I feel like I might eventually start wondering if I should try just once, even if I get hurt. That kind of change scares me a little.

I tried to calm my wavering heart by needlessly fidgeting with my lips. Just then, Felix’s voice sounded low.

“It’s not that I dislike you. It’s just that you’re still a bit unfamiliar and I don’t understand. Treating each other with such ambiguous feelings won’t be good for either of us.”

“Forget it. You don’t have to explain.”

I said without turning to look at him. I wanted to sound as casual as possible, but I don’t know if I’m doing it right. I don’t know if a tremor I’m unaware of is audible, or if my voice is cracking awkwardly.

“If it’s really hard for you to see me as Iel and you need some clear distinction, just call me Meriel. Actually, that’s my real name, so it’s more accurate. Besides, that shouldn’t be a very familiar name to you, so that’s fine, right?”

“…Yeah. Thank you.”

“I told you, forget it. I’m just doing it because I’m uncomfortable. You don’t need to feel some weird guilt.”

“Yeah.”

I managed to brush it off as if it were nothing, but acutely feeling the changes in my heart, I thought I should send Felix out of here as soon as possible. It would be troublesome if my heart grew any softer toward him.

One day, I asked Felix how he managed to cross the barrier the first time.

“By using a ton of items.”

“How many more times can you cross with what’s left?”

“There aren’t any left. It would take quite a bit of money and time to gather that many again.”

I nodded, realizing that if I could just get Felix to leave, I wouldn’t have to worry for a while. However, considering the possibility that he might not be telling the truth, I wouldn’t choose the option of just kicking him out abruptly.

Another day, I tried to send him on an errand outside by handing him some gold pieces I’d grabbed from the castle. Felix, however, looked at me with deep suspicion and absolutely refused to leave.

“Then are you going to keep eating so poorly? If you buy some, it’ll be comfortable for a few days.”

“It doesn’t matter. I can eat whatever.”

“I’m telling you, I’ll open it so you can get back in! Why don’t you trust me?”

“Would you trust me if you were in my shoes?”

“Of course I would. It’s me.”

“I don’t trust you. I hate it. I’m not going, I’m not going!”

After a long argument, we finally reached an agreement. We decided that I would tie one of my hands to a stake or tree outside the barrier and wait until Felix returned.

I wondered if we really had to go this far, but Felix was so stubborn that I had no choice. That was because the only other compromise was for me to leave outside with him.