Chapter 34

“Then, take care on your way.”

“Ah… yes. You take care as well, Countess.”

The words were brief, and our gazes didn’t linger for long. He bowed his head once more and walked away in the opposite direction. He hesitated for a moment after a few steps, but soon strode forward with resolve. I watched his retreating back and hugged the books in my arms again. So youthful.

What was I doing at that age? I turned around, lost in reminiscence. I hadn’t gone more than a few steps when a voice reached my ears, causing me to stop.

“Iel.”

Felix? I looked around for a moment before spotting him standing in front of the building wall. Felix, who had been leaning against the wall with his arms crossed, made eye contact with me, straightened up, and slowly approached.

“What were you doing here?”

“I was waiting for you. Who was that just now?”

“My stepbrother’s friend.”

“Ah, I see.”

To his nonchalant reaction, I smiled faintly and asked, “Are you not jealous this time?”

“Ha! As if I’d be jealous of some young brat like that.”

He gave a scoff, as if the notion were ridiculous.

“But how long have you been waiting?”

“Who knows?”

He replied with a playful tone and took the books from my hands.

“Ah… it’s fine, really.”

“They’re heavy.”

“Thank you.”

“Think nothing of it.”

I matched his pace as he started walking and asked, “When did you get back?”

“Yesterday.”

“I see. That must have been tiring, right?”

“…I am a bit exhausted, actually.”

“Did you get much sleep?”

“No, you weren’t by my side.”

“You sleep without me just fine when you’re out on jobs, so quit the whining.”

“That’s why you should be there when I return. Should I just head home like this?”

I stopped walking. Felix naturally stopped too, turning his body toward me. Perhaps it was because my conscience was pricking me, but I found it somewhat difficult to meet his steady gaze.

“Um, Felix. I still…”

“Haven’t found what you’re looking for yet?”

“Yes…”

“…I see.”

He let out a short sigh, then wore a slightly sulky expression as he said, “I’ll walk you to the vicinity of the Count’s estate. Consider it a date.”

“…”

“Do you dislike this, too?”

“Ah, no. No. I don’t dislike it. I just feel bad about it.”

“Forget it. I guess I’ll just go home and soak my pillowcase again tonight—”

He said it as if lamenting, then started walking ahead. I immediately chased after him.

“Oh, come on. Don’t be like that; go meet your colleagues or friends and have a drink. You should socialize in settings like that sometimes, shouldn’t you?”

“I’ll see.”

“Come to think of it, are you managing your house properly? If it isn’t touched by human hands, it’ll fall apart in no time. Don’t just stay alone at my place; visit your own home too.”

“It’s all the same, whether I’m there or here, being alone.”

“Even so, you have to use it occasionally.”

“Alright, alright. I’ll sleep there tonight.”

I smiled, feeling a bit relieved by his answer. Felix soon reached out the hand that wasn’t holding the books. I took his hand and walked down the path, swinging it gently. I stole a glance at his profile. That alone caused a sense of fondness to bloom in my heart.

Yet, even so, I didn’t feel confident enough to return just yet.

From the moment I made eye contact with Felix, fragments were erupting in wild laughter inside my head. The laughter had no sound, but it was certain. A sensation of something jumping up shortly somewhere in my mind and immediately scattering. It was an emotion that, like always, shouldn’t have lasted long, but this time, the afterimage was particularly lingering.

I let it slide, as I always do, thinking that I just needed to wait until that laughter faded. It was an emotion that would evaporate anyway. There was no need to assign meaning to it. I tried to convince myself that it was the same as always, but a corner of my heart remained heavy and uncomfortable. The more I struggled not to grasp the reason, the more it felt like only an inexplicable emotion remained.

Walking while holding Felix’s hand, I gradually slowed my pace. It was because my mood plummeted in an instant—we’d only just seen each other again. My feet felt like they were dragging, slowing down of their own accord.

How stifling.

Without letting go of Felix’s hand, I ignored the voice grumbling in the corner of my heart. The fondness from a moment ago had already vanished.

Much later, on the path to the Count’s estate after leaving Felix, who had waved goodbye, the laughter of the fragments still lingered in my mind.

Only after returning to my room in the mansion did the inside of my head finally go quiet. I’m tired. Isn’t this enough for today? Please, just be quiet now. I vented my exhaustion, almost as if begging.

I pulled out the chair at the table and sat down, opening one of the books I had bought. As expected, it was better to be buried between books here and catch my breath for a while. Until this emotion subsides—or until I can at least pretend it has.

When that time comes, I’ll be able to go back to Felix, won’t I?

F.

While I was drafting plans for constructing the barrier to match the terrain of the next region at the Temple, a fairly long gap opened up. So, I decided to accept another commission and move in the meantime.

The location for the commission appeared only after crossing the border three times. It took days just to travel, and I had deliberately chosen a place like that. I wanted to avoid any job that gave me a reason to return as soon as it was over. That was why I hadn’t chosen any nearby commissions. The further away, the better. A distance sufficient to delay my return. That much distance would be enough that I wouldn’t have to be buried in my thoughts.

It rained as soon as I arrived. It was a shitty weather that kept repeating the cycle of stopping and then pouring. The ground was muddy, and the sensation of slipping in the mud every time I took a step was irritating. Listening to the complaints of my colleagues, I stood in the front line without saying a word.

For some reason, my senses have been odd lately. Even now, I moved ahead before waiting for the signal. Situations where my body moved before I could think had increased.

Am I okay?

The first skirmish was around sunset. The forest was dense, so visibility was poor, and sound didn’t carry well. I felt a presence from the flank. My body reacted before I could even turn my head. I simply discarded the shield I wasn’t even accustomed to anyway. I charged straight in. The collision was massive. The opponent flew backward and hit a tree. My breath was briefly cut off, then released. The recoil remaining in my hands faded late. It was a situation I would have dodged in the past, but I didn’t dodge.

“Hey, that was a bit—”

A colleague spoke up, but I was already cleaning my sword. I rotated my wrist and it felt fine. It wasn’t that I didn’t know it was excessive, but I didn’t stop. In this manner, it always settled down quickly. When it was over, it was over. It didn’t feel like the time when the transplantation magic was running wild and my body wouldn’t listen. On the contrary, it moved too well.

It was similar during the ambush two days later. The moment the front line wavered, my body moved first. I reached out my arm and shoved. Under normal circumstances, it would have been a distance where we would have staggered and traded insults. The opponent just flew away and rolled on the ground. After a fairly loud noise, the surroundings went silent. I hesitated for a moment, confirmed that the opponent was still breathing, and took my hand off. A stinging sensation lingered in my fingertips later than usual.

No one talked to me on the way back. I didn’t open my mouth either. Lately, such silences were frequent. We arrived at the campsite, set up the tents, and started a fire. As I packed up my wet gear, I pulled down my sleeve. The mark of the blessing prayer was hidden.

As the night deepened, I suddenly thought of home. Not my house, but Iel’s house. If I open the door and walk in, the living room with the lights off, the room without a sound, and the air that follows feel stifling. I didn’t dwell on that memory until the end. Instead, I tightened the straps and polished the blade. I consciously tucked away the thought of wanting to return. There was no reason for that right now.

The commission was wrapped up three days later. The settlement was clean, and my colleagues started talking about the next schedule. Nearby places, short schedules, low-risk jobs. I shook my head. I chose the one that went far away. The question asking “why” was repeated several times, but I didn’t answer. I didn’t want to explain, and there were no words I could utter.

The road back to the city was quiet. As the city gate came into view, I stopped as I dismounted from the horse. I forcibly blocked my gaze from heading toward Iel’s house. There was no need to check anyway. I knew that if I returned, it would be an empty house regardless. A space where nothing would change, whether I turned on the lights or turned them off. The feeling of heavy silence hitting me the moment I opened the door. It was a sensation I already knew. There was no need to awaken it now.

So, I turned away. The place my feet naturally headed toward was the Melas estate. I don’t know about matters of the heart, but I could at least decide on the practical distance myself. It was a rather impulsive act, but it actually helped me breathe.